Just a thought

It's easier to not want something, than to long for something that may never be.  

Our hope is not suppose to be based on future imaginations and desires, but on Christ alone.  

I'm trying to decide if this is pessimistic or realistic  and is it profound or something simple that it's just taking me this long to notice.  Can it be all the above?

God can you see me?

God can you see me here in Memphis because I am so hungry to be seen.  I am so homesick for something deeper.   I am so lonely and want to crawl out from behind this superficial mask, but no one cares enough to see.  Even while spending hours upon hours with familiar people, I watch from the sideline and wonder if they really even notice I am there.  Yes, I am included, but so often I'm interrupted or just ignored.  Am I that boring?  I am that bored.  I am bored with the superficial, bored with the tedium.  None of this matters.  Can no one else see?  

Oh God, I know I hunger for something that they won't provide.  I doubt they even can.  And so I want to turn these tears to you.  I know you see me.  You made me, you know me, deeper than the skin, even here in Memphis.  Why have you lead me here?  What are you teaching?  How will you use me?  Because I feel really useless right now and not necessary or even wanted.  But Lord, I know you hear my cry and I know you are faithful to your word and your promises.

Pray

James 5:13-18

Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray.  Is anyone happy?  Let him sing songs of praise.

Is anyone of you sick?  He should  all the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well;  the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  

The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Elijah was a man just like us.  He prayed earnestly that it would not rain and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years.  Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.

I want to pray like that!  Lately my prayer life has slowed to a crawl.  I wouldn't say that it has come to a halt, because it hasn't.  I've been talking to God about my loneliness and my internal battles.  And I've been crying out and knowing that He hears me.  But I haven't been praying for big things.  And I haven't been consistent in my prayers.  And maybe some are satisfied with a "safe" prayer life.  Where they only ask God to hold their hand if they've gotten a booboo.  And that's not to say that we shouldn't be asking for some hand holding.  But there is so much more!  There are promises of God working in ways beyond our imagining and comprehension.

I want to see God move.  I want to partake in prayer that can hold back the rain for three years.  And not because of my abilities, I don't have much to offer.  But because I have trusted God and He will always be faithful.  I want to see Christ know through my life and through my prayers.

I know that God answers prayers.  I have seen Him do it in my own life and for my own requests.  And Christ said that if we remain in Him, and He in us, then ask whatever we wish and it will be given.  So what stops the prayer?  I'll admit, that sometimes its doubt. I doubt that I'll be heard, or I will doubt God's ability or character, though He has already proven Himself throughout history.  Other times what stops me is busyness that seems to mix with apathy.  I've seen to much, I hurt to much, that I don't want to care because it hurts.  Or I'm so busy that I'm too exhausted to care.  Or that I, in all my wisdom (please note the sarcasm), am unable to come up with a good solution.   And I forget that it is not my ability or imagination that any of this work is dependent on, but on Christ alone and the Father and the Holy Spirit.  I just get to come along for the ride.

But when I do stop, and see, and believe, what stops prayer then?  The answer is one that I am much more ashamed to say.  And simply it's fear.  Fear that the God the I know if faithful will move around me and through the Holy Spirit in me.  Fear that I might be uncomfortable, have to give up things I hold too dear.  Fear that there might be pain or humiliation. Fear that Christ might actually use me and call me up to bear a cross.  In my mind, I know that though these fears could be real, there is nothing to fear in them.  So many times in the Bible we are command to "Fear not" because God is in control.  And He still is.  I know that God is in control.  I know that He considered me so precious that He sent Christ, His only son, as a living sacrifice to cover my sins, my rebellion, my death, so that I might live in forgiveness.  And not only did He die,  but beyond that He conquered death.  He faced all shame, scorn, humiliation, pain, suffering, and betrayal, to experience death and conquered it to live in Glory!  And I'm afraid of what exactly? 

So my mind knows the foolishness of these fears.  But my heart is much harder to convince.

Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand?"

So my heart in fear, works against me, against my mind.  And then it triggers in my body the natural response to fear.   Which then feed back to my mind conspiring to convince me that there really is something to fear.

So what if...

What if God says yes to my prayers?

What if Christ uses my life?

What if I am asked to abandon all of my dreams, all of my desires, all of my plans, everything I have worked so hard for?

What if I am asked to face mortification, humiliation, and mockery because of the cross?

What if I am asked to leave all my family, friends, and every familiar face and travel to hostile strangers?

What if I am asked to face once friends who have now become hostile strangers because of the truth I bare witness to?

What if I am asked to be uncomfortable?

What if I am asked to remain single?

What if I am asked to continue to face loneliness?

What if I am asked to experience pain, and sickness?

What if I am asked to suffer and be persecuted?

What if I am asked to change this world?

What if I am asked to give up this very life that I hold much to dear?

What if...?

Luke 14: 25-

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them He said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters-yes, even his own life-he cannot be my disciple.  And everyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.  

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower.  Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it?  For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'

"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king.  Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand?  If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace.  In the same way, any of you  who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?  It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.

"He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

So when you count the cost-yes, even your very life- and weigh it against the forgiveness and freedom that Christ offers-a relationship with the most Glorious God of the universe and eternity with Him to boot-where does your scale fall?  Is it worth it?  If the price is your life and all the things and habits you cling to, will you abandon them, even your safety and life to follow Christ?

And so its time to pray and to make my offering.  I long to see the power of Christ at work.  Even if the very glory of it consumes the last breath of my life outshining every dream I once worked for, I want that.  Because I know, body, heart, mind, and soul that all else will fail and fade, but only God, His word, and souls-whether in heaven or hell-remain.

What would you do...for the right guy?

Movie Quote:

Sally Owens "What would you do, Gilly?"

Gillain Owens "What wouldn't I do... for the right guy?"

I think this is a quote that summarizes many peoples' feelings about a relationship.  That they would do anything, become anything, give up anything for the right/perfect person.  But what would they ask of you?  And what things would you be willing to give that they would never ask?  Would you turn yourself into someone else just to be with the "right" person.  And I'm not talking about personal growth and improvement, which I hope all good relationships encourage.  But I am talking about a denial of the personality and gifts that God has given to appease someone who does not appreciate the work that God has done.  So would you wear a mask and conceal your heart and soul to be with the "right" person?  Would you do that?  Would you become that?  What would you give up for the "right" person?  Would you compromise yourself, your heart, mind, and body to keep someone who would never have respected those lines in the first place?  Would you give up your voice and go silent and never call that "right" person into account or warn them that they are heading to destruction?  Would you give up your relationship with God?  Would you through away every promise that God has given as He asks you to walk in faith and trust and wait on Him?  All for the perfect person?  

What would you do?...for the right guy?

I wouldn't give up my King, my Savior, the Lover of my soul.  I know that if he is the "right" man, he would not ask these things of me.  And if he did, I pray God would give me the strength to say no.  

Ps 106:20 They exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull, which eats grass.

How ridiculous is that!  And yet, how many of us daily exchange our Glorious God and our relationship with Him, for the image of something that is a lie and is so insignificant.  

Would you give up you Glory?...for the "right guy?"

music

I love music!  Especially music that says something.  Too often now we just want something with a fast beat that we can move to, which I understand.  And I like the inspiring, or angry, or just energetic music, but I love music from musicals.  The songs that tell stories and longings.  I love music, because too often our language does not provide the words needed to describe the truth of the feelings/reality that we are trying to convey.  But music...oh music...music can convey the very tones of the soul:  the joy, the excitement, the sorrow, the hunger, the peace and often without words, so often without words.  The words just give the listener some content.  If I could do nothing but sing all day, I think I would be happy.  Some people imagine heaven being choirs singing praise to God.  I'll paraphrase CS Lewis as saying that in heaven we will all praise God in different special ways that He has created us for.  Maybe some will speak create poetic words, others dance for our King, and some play their instruments, and maybe all at once.  I hope that I get to sing to my Glory with a voice purer and more beautiful than the one that I possess.  i can imagine singing in tones that my soul longs to express and I wonder if there will ever be words to express.  OR if it will even matter.  

I slowly begin to realize that I see and interpret the world through emotions, through my own and what I observe in others.  And this makes me realize even more how limiting words are.  Maybe I should start writing the very music I long to hear composed.  This is likely a skill far beyond my own, but I will dream anyways.

Church Family!

I think I have finally found a church that I want to attend here in Memphis.  I enjoyed it soo much today and went with a friend who also liked it.  It was so welcoming to us new people.  (Maybe it helped that my friend was a Southerner-which apparently they just talk to everyone-which meant that I was also forced to talk more, which is hard for me in new situations)  But it was a good sermon and the music was great, and the Sunday school lesson was good too!  

And now I am so homesick for the family that I have traveled far away from.  I miss my women so much!! And I miss my guys.  Who would have thought that such depth and love could developed so quickly.  I feel like I can't remember a time before these friends.  What did I do then?  God has surely blessed me and I praise His name and I beg for courage to be vulnerable enough to develop new friendships, hopefully as deep, though I know how much a miss those who have moved on in their lives.

I AM SOOO HOMESICK for both friends and places.    But usually its the friends who make the places.

I love Real Men

  I really miss my Navigator guys.  High quality men, who really were men.  Who were polite and kind and gentlemen.  And sometimes took the part of protective brother (once in awhile annoying, but usually appreciated none-the-less).

  So last night, I drove home from hanging out with friends and it was last, after 1am.  And my car started having problems about 10 minutes away from home.  I live in a rather grey area of Memphis when it comes to safety.  And I drive through some areas that are a bit scarier.  So there is no way that I am going to stop my car to get out and check out what is wrong and possibly get stranded.  I could tell that my engine was running fine, I was worried about what was wrong with the outside of my car.  But I made the decision that I would rather do damage to my car and make it back safely, than risk being stuck in an unsafe situation.  And I do not regret that.  So I pull into my apartment and wonder what I will see.  I had a very VERY flat tire.  So I waited until this morning-well late enough to risk not waking anyone and called a guy friend, who came over and changed my tire to the emergency one.  

  I am now prone to gush over this guy.  He is a sweetheart.  It's funny because he got mocked yesterday because we think the Chinese girls have a bit of a crush on him and I don't blame them.  But this gushiness that I may display isn't just towards him.  I really appreciate the men in my class.  Most of them are very gentlemen like guys.  These are the main guys I hang out with and go out with.  And I've seen the slightly protectiveness in public-which in Memphis you appreciate a bit more.  I've also seen the slight censorship when there are not so classy moments.  There is one guy in our class who tends to go towards the cruder side for a joke.  And it's usually the other guys who call him back "Filter ___, Filter."  So while I am not sure I believe the are complete gentlemen in other situations, I appreciate it so much when I am present.  There are other guys in other classes at UT that I am glad that I don't have to see much and I just praise God for the men in my class.  I feel like the are trustworthy and reliable and I love men that like.  I miss the ones back at Purdue, but I thank God so very much for the ones in Memphis.

This was actually emphasized even more today in a different situation.  This afternoon, I went and got a real tire to replace my emergency and have to wait 1.5 hr.  So I went to the walgreens nearby and spent about 30 minutes inside shopping and wandering.  And then with my drink and magazine, I sat outside on the bench: it was beautiful outside and I still had at least 45 minutes.  I don't spend a lot of time just sitting outside in Memphis because its kinda scary. There are a lot of homeless in Memphis and I've been approached by many.  So I kinda have the mindset that if I'm stationary that I am more of a target.  Well this Walgreens and carshop were far from downtown and by the freeway, so not as many people walking about, so I thought I would enjoy the day.

Well I didn't have my bench to myself for long.  Which is just as well, but after I was joined, I felt more comfortable sitting outside than when I was by myself.   Two the women who worked in the store came out for their break and a cigarette.  Now usually cigarette smoke really bothers me, but whatever brand they were using wasn't so bad.  And they were nice and we talked.  The background and lifestyle of these women is so different than mine.  And sometimes I forget that my life isn't the normal.  I was glad to have the reason of my tire going flat, because it seemed like such a universal thing to understand as compared of other things.  So one woman was an older lady and the other was probably close to my age.  And wow, there was drama going on in her life, mostly centered around a dog of a man.  I am still amazed, how do such jerks win women in the first place?    

LADIES, THERE ARE SUCH THING AS GOOD MEN.  THERE ARE WONDERFUL, RESPECTFUL MEN WHO ARE ABSOLUTELY WORTH WAITING FOR.  JERKS AND DOGS DON'T DESERVE YOU, SO WHY ARE YOU SETTLING FOR THEM.  STICK TO YOUR STANDARDS AND MAYBE THE SCUM WILL CATHC UP TO THE QUALITY.  AND IF NOT, ASK YOURSELF, IS SCUM REALLY BETTER THAN SINGLENESS?  I DON'T THINK SO.

Give it up again

So I very much liked and cherished the idea of moving out of this apartment that I don't like in January to rent a nice house by myself.  Recently, reality has started to call.  I won't get what I want.  I probably can't afford what I want on my own.  And I realize this week, that I am gone a lot, so it may not be worth it and having a roommate would make sense.  

But I am kinda excited, though also nervous, of the idea of renting a house with three-ish of the other girls in my program.  Living with three other professionals will be nice.  And since we will all be in similar programs, there should be similar levels of stress.  And I am hoping that we should be able to get a nice place if you combine the rent that we all are already paying.  So it seems like it might be a sorority like house.  So interesting, but hopefully good.  The biggest let down of this plan is being stuck in this apartment until summer.  5 extra months.  

oh well.  Giving up one dream for reality that hopefully goes well.

to the man i still dream of

I long for you.  I don't like to admit it.  And I don't want to deal with it.  I'm trying not to hope anymore because my dream seems too good and specific to ever be true.  So I am trying not to hope and trying not to dream, but I still search for you.  And the disappointment grows more bitter each time.  Love songs are so painful to hear, especially from a man's voice.  Would you sing with me?  Would you dance with me?  Would you find me beautiful and convince me of beauty that I don't see?  And what will you make of my personality and of my character?  And what of these passions?  Planted deep within my soul.  Will you share them and help them to grow?  

I don't want to want you.  I am tired of wanting you, of wanting anything besides Christ.  Can you understand that feeling?  Based off of frustration, pain, shame, sorrow and despair.  I'm tired of chasing things that will not satisfy.  And I know that only Christ can satisfy this heart.  So I wonder if you do exist.  And I wonder if you are real.  Or maybe, someday, this longing, these tears will cease.  I keep begging God for that day to be today.  But so far, He's said no.  Am I waiting for you?  Or just learning how to live without?

to be or not to be

I can feel it moving.  It starts deep within my chest.  It's not a stabbing pain.  It's a deep pulsing.  I can feel it threatening to Bubble up and overflow.  I hold it down with all my strength, with all my will.  I can't have you see my weaknesses.  And I don't want to answer questions.

This sorrow, that dwells deep within this heart.  It's so hard to explain.  This longing, this desire that accompanies it, even harder to put into words.  And this passion, that gives it strength and drives me beyond the tears.  How do I explain it with words?

You may never see it, you may never notice.  Or maybe you will catch it in an unguarded glance.  Or maybe you will be there on one of the days when the spillways overflow.  But will you understand it?

I often fear being seen as weak.  But I've decided that I would rather be SEEN and seen as weak than hide behind a lie.  For you see, I've already been seen and loved beyond my weaknesses and beyond the mask that I wear to hide.  Christ has known me from the moment that He formed my very soul and He has loved me beyond all flaws.

And HE is what drives my passion.  He is my passion.  And this desire that wells up and overwhelms, though my fleeting attempts will try other things, only He can satisfy.  And this sorrow flows from love that I do not deserve and love that breaks my heart to see such needs.

So you see, I'm going to try to let you see me.  I"m taking down the bricks of my walls one by one.  But there are days when I need help.  Most days in fact.  BUT I don't want to live behind lies.  See me as I am, even if that appears weak.  And PLEASE, let me see you too.  I already know that you wear a mask.  I'm not really fooled.  And I know that you are not as strong as you want to be.  And I know how scary it is to step out from behind the mask.  To see and to be seen.  But let me assure you, there is already ONE who sees you and knows you and loves you beyond the flaws.

So come out and play with me.  Let our joy and laughter echo beyond the borders of sorrow.  Let us delight together in the satisfaction of life in Christ.  Come let our passions from Christ change the world.

Come out and shine.  Be seen, be known, and beloved.

It must be a girl thing

Today most of my non-foreign class when to lunch together.  So that would be about 12 of us.  I'm enjoying the diverse group.  At my end of the table.  It was me another girl and then three boys.  We were discussing moving and getting out of comfort zones.  Well actually the girl and I were.  Two of the boys were from Memphis and the other was more recently from Nashville.   She asked me if I had cried here.  The boys looked at her in confusion and astonishment.  Which makes me laugh.  She had cried from loneliness.  So while I haven't cried here yet.  The two weeks leading up to the move were full of tears as I was fearing what I had gotten myself into, which  I admitted to whoever was listening.  But I understood what she was asking and sometimes boys just don't understand.

Another great moment of the day.  Us new to towners (more often the girls of the group) were asking the townies(mostly the males) what to do in Memphis.  A couple of different things were suggested and then several bars/clubs were suggested.  I then asked what non-bar/drinking things there were and received some suggestions.  But what I enjoyed was that a couple of hours later after lunch, this same guy makes a comment that he would keep thinking of non-bar things to do.  I really appreciate small things like this.  I doubt he will ever know, but that's ok.  His not knowing makes no difference, it has much more to do with God providing even in unlikely situations.

the question

Once upon a time, there was this little boy.  And I knew him from very young.  For you see, I was then just a little girl.  And as many little girls do, I had a crush on a little boy.  Somehow over the years, this little boy and that little girl became friends, but that was all.

   That little girl and this little boy grew up together.  As the years passed, their friendship waxed and waned but never died.  It was a joy for her to find that after months of silence the friendship was just as strong.

  You see the little girl grew up.  This simple things became harder.  The tears became more common than the laughter though she still fought for joy and against bitterness.  And though there were many, many tears,  they weren't all sad, they weren't all for herself, and they weren't all unanswered.

  That little girl has been friends with this little boy for a decade and a half.  Both have grown and both have changed.  Most little girls dream of fairy tales and prince charmings.  She often dreamed of him filling that role.

  And now, a war rages within her.  It's nothing new.  There have been other battles before, and there may be more again.  It's the war of dreams and reality.  So often she still tries to dream of him being Prince charming as she has often over the years.  But you see, she's no longer a little girl.  She is now a woman, who has known him for so long.  And she's tired of lying to herself.  And longs to finally be over him and to move on.

    But its hard.  Because this little boy has also grown.  Grown into a man.  And with honest eyes, she can see his flaws.  But she can also see his worth.  He's not yet the man to match the woman she has become.  And she's not willing to risk and bet on potentials that might be.  And all the while that he isn't yet the man to match her, she still has yet to grow to become the woman to match him.

  So the question: should she wait and hope for what might never be?  Or grow up, give up, and move on?

throwing off all that hinders and entangles in front of the witness cloud considering HIM who scorned shame, endured the cross for joy beyond blood

Hebrew 12:1-4

  Everything that hinders.  Why is it that worries so easily entangle and hinder?  These simple foolish things of this temporary world that affect this ugly breakable body.  Yet it is all we have previously known.  And it takes faith to know what we will become.  And not only does it hinder, but it leads to doubts and sin that entangle.

  And even more, we are charged to look to Christ!  And I think that I am lonely.  And I think that I have much to fear.  And I think that I suffer.  My life, my health is not threatened, let alone my blood poured out for those who would scorn my name.  I have not yet lived, nor sacrificed that much.  And though my very soul and spirit long for that courage, my heart and my mind fail and fear and dread and imagine things that may never be instead of having faith in things that are promised to come.

  Lord I pray you give me wisdom and courage to clearly see and follow your path for me, rejoicing and glorifying you wherever you lead me.

So it's a money struggle again.  How did our math go so wrong?  How did we both miss whatever it was that was missed?  Oh Lord, can you provide even now?  I am lonely and frustrated with so much.  I believe my parents will help, but this isnt being fair to them either.  Lord please help mom with this stress.   And Lord please help me with these bugs and give me wisdom as I look at new housing.  Help me give glory to you in each situation.

just starting

Over the past couple of days, as I wonder through each day, I keep thinking of things and observations that I want to say to people.  Sometimes specific people and sometimes just wanting to talk to anyone.  But then when I actually sit down to type, there is no organization to my thoughts.  I want to wait to write something profound or of interest.  As I avoid this day after day, I realize that I just need to write and maybe eventually someone else will find this interesting or insightful.