Church Family!

I think I have finally found a church that I want to attend here in Memphis.  I enjoyed it soo much today and went with a friend who also liked it.  It was so welcoming to us new people.  (Maybe it helped that my friend was a Southerner-which apparently they just talk to everyone-which meant that I was also forced to talk more, which is hard for me in new situations)  But it was a good sermon and the music was great, and the Sunday school lesson was good too!  

And now I am so homesick for the family that I have traveled far away from.  I miss my women so much!! And I miss my guys.  Who would have thought that such depth and love could developed so quickly.  I feel like I can't remember a time before these friends.  What did I do then?  God has surely blessed me and I praise His name and I beg for courage to be vulnerable enough to develop new friendships, hopefully as deep, though I know how much a miss those who have moved on in their lives.

I AM SOOO HOMESICK for both friends and places.    But usually its the friends who make the places.

I love Real Men

  I really miss my Navigator guys.  High quality men, who really were men.  Who were polite and kind and gentlemen.  And sometimes took the part of protective brother (once in awhile annoying, but usually appreciated none-the-less).

  So last night, I drove home from hanging out with friends and it was last, after 1am.  And my car started having problems about 10 minutes away from home.  I live in a rather grey area of Memphis when it comes to safety.  And I drive through some areas that are a bit scarier.  So there is no way that I am going to stop my car to get out and check out what is wrong and possibly get stranded.  I could tell that my engine was running fine, I was worried about what was wrong with the outside of my car.  But I made the decision that I would rather do damage to my car and make it back safely, than risk being stuck in an unsafe situation.  And I do not regret that.  So I pull into my apartment and wonder what I will see.  I had a very VERY flat tire.  So I waited until this morning-well late enough to risk not waking anyone and called a guy friend, who came over and changed my tire to the emergency one.  

  I am now prone to gush over this guy.  He is a sweetheart.  It's funny because he got mocked yesterday because we think the Chinese girls have a bit of a crush on him and I don't blame them.  But this gushiness that I may display isn't just towards him.  I really appreciate the men in my class.  Most of them are very gentlemen like guys.  These are the main guys I hang out with and go out with.  And I've seen the slightly protectiveness in public-which in Memphis you appreciate a bit more.  I've also seen the slight censorship when there are not so classy moments.  There is one guy in our class who tends to go towards the cruder side for a joke.  And it's usually the other guys who call him back "Filter ___, Filter."  So while I am not sure I believe the are complete gentlemen in other situations, I appreciate it so much when I am present.  There are other guys in other classes at UT that I am glad that I don't have to see much and I just praise God for the men in my class.  I feel like the are trustworthy and reliable and I love men that like.  I miss the ones back at Purdue, but I thank God so very much for the ones in Memphis.

This was actually emphasized even more today in a different situation.  This afternoon, I went and got a real tire to replace my emergency and have to wait 1.5 hr.  So I went to the walgreens nearby and spent about 30 minutes inside shopping and wandering.  And then with my drink and magazine, I sat outside on the bench: it was beautiful outside and I still had at least 45 minutes.  I don't spend a lot of time just sitting outside in Memphis because its kinda scary. There are a lot of homeless in Memphis and I've been approached by many.  So I kinda have the mindset that if I'm stationary that I am more of a target.  Well this Walgreens and carshop were far from downtown and by the freeway, so not as many people walking about, so I thought I would enjoy the day.

Well I didn't have my bench to myself for long.  Which is just as well, but after I was joined, I felt more comfortable sitting outside than when I was by myself.   Two the women who worked in the store came out for their break and a cigarette.  Now usually cigarette smoke really bothers me, but whatever brand they were using wasn't so bad.  And they were nice and we talked.  The background and lifestyle of these women is so different than mine.  And sometimes I forget that my life isn't the normal.  I was glad to have the reason of my tire going flat, because it seemed like such a universal thing to understand as compared of other things.  So one woman was an older lady and the other was probably close to my age.  And wow, there was drama going on in her life, mostly centered around a dog of a man.  I am still amazed, how do such jerks win women in the first place?    

LADIES, THERE ARE SUCH THING AS GOOD MEN.  THERE ARE WONDERFUL, RESPECTFUL MEN WHO ARE ABSOLUTELY WORTH WAITING FOR.  JERKS AND DOGS DON'T DESERVE YOU, SO WHY ARE YOU SETTLING FOR THEM.  STICK TO YOUR STANDARDS AND MAYBE THE SCUM WILL CATHC UP TO THE QUALITY.  AND IF NOT, ASK YOURSELF, IS SCUM REALLY BETTER THAN SINGLENESS?  I DON'T THINK SO.

Give it up again

So I very much liked and cherished the idea of moving out of this apartment that I don't like in January to rent a nice house by myself.  Recently, reality has started to call.  I won't get what I want.  I probably can't afford what I want on my own.  And I realize this week, that I am gone a lot, so it may not be worth it and having a roommate would make sense.  

But I am kinda excited, though also nervous, of the idea of renting a house with three-ish of the other girls in my program.  Living with three other professionals will be nice.  And since we will all be in similar programs, there should be similar levels of stress.  And I am hoping that we should be able to get a nice place if you combine the rent that we all are already paying.  So it seems like it might be a sorority like house.  So interesting, but hopefully good.  The biggest let down of this plan is being stuck in this apartment until summer.  5 extra months.  

oh well.  Giving up one dream for reality that hopefully goes well.

to the man i still dream of

I long for you.  I don't like to admit it.  And I don't want to deal with it.  I'm trying not to hope anymore because my dream seems too good and specific to ever be true.  So I am trying not to hope and trying not to dream, but I still search for you.  And the disappointment grows more bitter each time.  Love songs are so painful to hear, especially from a man's voice.  Would you sing with me?  Would you dance with me?  Would you find me beautiful and convince me of beauty that I don't see?  And what will you make of my personality and of my character?  And what of these passions?  Planted deep within my soul.  Will you share them and help them to grow?  

I don't want to want you.  I am tired of wanting you, of wanting anything besides Christ.  Can you understand that feeling?  Based off of frustration, pain, shame, sorrow and despair.  I'm tired of chasing things that will not satisfy.  And I know that only Christ can satisfy this heart.  So I wonder if you do exist.  And I wonder if you are real.  Or maybe, someday, this longing, these tears will cease.  I keep begging God for that day to be today.  But so far, He's said no.  Am I waiting for you?  Or just learning how to live without?