God can you see me?

God can you see me here in Memphis because I am so hungry to be seen.  I am so homesick for something deeper.   I am so lonely and want to crawl out from behind this superficial mask, but no one cares enough to see.  Even while spending hours upon hours with familiar people, I watch from the sideline and wonder if they really even notice I am there.  Yes, I am included, but so often I'm interrupted or just ignored.  Am I that boring?  I am that bored.  I am bored with the superficial, bored with the tedium.  None of this matters.  Can no one else see?  

Oh God, I know I hunger for something that they won't provide.  I doubt they even can.  And so I want to turn these tears to you.  I know you see me.  You made me, you know me, deeper than the skin, even here in Memphis.  Why have you lead me here?  What are you teaching?  How will you use me?  Because I feel really useless right now and not necessary or even wanted.  But Lord, I know you hear my cry and I know you are faithful to your word and your promises.

Pray

James 5:13-18

Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray.  Is anyone happy?  Let him sing songs of praise.

Is anyone of you sick?  He should  all the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord.

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well;  the Lord will raise him up.  If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  

The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Elijah was a man just like us.  He prayed earnestly that it would not rain and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years.  Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops.

I want to pray like that!  Lately my prayer life has slowed to a crawl.  I wouldn't say that it has come to a halt, because it hasn't.  I've been talking to God about my loneliness and my internal battles.  And I've been crying out and knowing that He hears me.  But I haven't been praying for big things.  And I haven't been consistent in my prayers.  And maybe some are satisfied with a "safe" prayer life.  Where they only ask God to hold their hand if they've gotten a booboo.  And that's not to say that we shouldn't be asking for some hand holding.  But there is so much more!  There are promises of God working in ways beyond our imagining and comprehension.

I want to see God move.  I want to partake in prayer that can hold back the rain for three years.  And not because of my abilities, I don't have much to offer.  But because I have trusted God and He will always be faithful.  I want to see Christ know through my life and through my prayers.

I know that God answers prayers.  I have seen Him do it in my own life and for my own requests.  And Christ said that if we remain in Him, and He in us, then ask whatever we wish and it will be given.  So what stops the prayer?  I'll admit, that sometimes its doubt. I doubt that I'll be heard, or I will doubt God's ability or character, though He has already proven Himself throughout history.  Other times what stops me is busyness that seems to mix with apathy.  I've seen to much, I hurt to much, that I don't want to care because it hurts.  Or I'm so busy that I'm too exhausted to care.  Or that I, in all my wisdom (please note the sarcasm), am unable to come up with a good solution.   And I forget that it is not my ability or imagination that any of this work is dependent on, but on Christ alone and the Father and the Holy Spirit.  I just get to come along for the ride.

But when I do stop, and see, and believe, what stops prayer then?  The answer is one that I am much more ashamed to say.  And simply it's fear.  Fear that the God the I know if faithful will move around me and through the Holy Spirit in me.  Fear that I might be uncomfortable, have to give up things I hold too dear.  Fear that there might be pain or humiliation. Fear that Christ might actually use me and call me up to bear a cross.  In my mind, I know that though these fears could be real, there is nothing to fear in them.  So many times in the Bible we are command to "Fear not" because God is in control.  And He still is.  I know that God is in control.  I know that He considered me so precious that He sent Christ, His only son, as a living sacrifice to cover my sins, my rebellion, my death, so that I might live in forgiveness.  And not only did He die,  but beyond that He conquered death.  He faced all shame, scorn, humiliation, pain, suffering, and betrayal, to experience death and conquered it to live in Glory!  And I'm afraid of what exactly? 

So my mind knows the foolishness of these fears.  But my heart is much harder to convince.

Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand?"

So my heart in fear, works against me, against my mind.  And then it triggers in my body the natural response to fear.   Which then feed back to my mind conspiring to convince me that there really is something to fear.

So what if...

What if God says yes to my prayers?

What if Christ uses my life?

What if I am asked to abandon all of my dreams, all of my desires, all of my plans, everything I have worked so hard for?

What if I am asked to face mortification, humiliation, and mockery because of the cross?

What if I am asked to leave all my family, friends, and every familiar face and travel to hostile strangers?

What if I am asked to face once friends who have now become hostile strangers because of the truth I bare witness to?

What if I am asked to be uncomfortable?

What if I am asked to remain single?

What if I am asked to continue to face loneliness?

What if I am asked to experience pain, and sickness?

What if I am asked to suffer and be persecuted?

What if I am asked to change this world?

What if I am asked to give up this very life that I hold much to dear?

What if...?

Luke 14: 25-

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them He said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters-yes, even his own life-he cannot be my disciple.  And everyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.  

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower.  Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it?  For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.'

"Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king.  Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand?  If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace.  In the same way, any of you  who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.

"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?  It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out.

"He who has ears to hear, let him hear."

So when you count the cost-yes, even your very life- and weigh it against the forgiveness and freedom that Christ offers-a relationship with the most Glorious God of the universe and eternity with Him to boot-where does your scale fall?  Is it worth it?  If the price is your life and all the things and habits you cling to, will you abandon them, even your safety and life to follow Christ?

And so its time to pray and to make my offering.  I long to see the power of Christ at work.  Even if the very glory of it consumes the last breath of my life outshining every dream I once worked for, I want that.  Because I know, body, heart, mind, and soul that all else will fail and fade, but only God, His word, and souls-whether in heaven or hell-remain.

What would you do...for the right guy?

Movie Quote:

Sally Owens "What would you do, Gilly?"

Gillain Owens "What wouldn't I do... for the right guy?"

I think this is a quote that summarizes many peoples' feelings about a relationship.  That they would do anything, become anything, give up anything for the right/perfect person.  But what would they ask of you?  And what things would you be willing to give that they would never ask?  Would you turn yourself into someone else just to be with the "right" person.  And I'm not talking about personal growth and improvement, which I hope all good relationships encourage.  But I am talking about a denial of the personality and gifts that God has given to appease someone who does not appreciate the work that God has done.  So would you wear a mask and conceal your heart and soul to be with the "right" person?  Would you do that?  Would you become that?  What would you give up for the "right" person?  Would you compromise yourself, your heart, mind, and body to keep someone who would never have respected those lines in the first place?  Would you give up your voice and go silent and never call that "right" person into account or warn them that they are heading to destruction?  Would you give up your relationship with God?  Would you through away every promise that God has given as He asks you to walk in faith and trust and wait on Him?  All for the perfect person?  

What would you do?...for the right guy?

I wouldn't give up my King, my Savior, the Lover of my soul.  I know that if he is the "right" man, he would not ask these things of me.  And if he did, I pray God would give me the strength to say no.  

Ps 106:20 They exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull, which eats grass.

How ridiculous is that!  And yet, how many of us daily exchange our Glorious God and our relationship with Him, for the image of something that is a lie and is so insignificant.  

Would you give up you Glory?...for the "right guy?"

music

I love music!  Especially music that says something.  Too often now we just want something with a fast beat that we can move to, which I understand.  And I like the inspiring, or angry, or just energetic music, but I love music from musicals.  The songs that tell stories and longings.  I love music, because too often our language does not provide the words needed to describe the truth of the feelings/reality that we are trying to convey.  But music...oh music...music can convey the very tones of the soul:  the joy, the excitement, the sorrow, the hunger, the peace and often without words, so often without words.  The words just give the listener some content.  If I could do nothing but sing all day, I think I would be happy.  Some people imagine heaven being choirs singing praise to God.  I'll paraphrase CS Lewis as saying that in heaven we will all praise God in different special ways that He has created us for.  Maybe some will speak create poetic words, others dance for our King, and some play their instruments, and maybe all at once.  I hope that I get to sing to my Glory with a voice purer and more beautiful than the one that I possess.  i can imagine singing in tones that my soul longs to express and I wonder if there will ever be words to express.  OR if it will even matter.  

I slowly begin to realize that I see and interpret the world through emotions, through my own and what I observe in others.  And this makes me realize even more how limiting words are.  Maybe I should start writing the very music I long to hear composed.  This is likely a skill far beyond my own, but I will dream anyways.