My Jesus

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like my Jesus

~by Todd Agnew

I find myself in Memphis with an "upper class" crowd.  Mainly because of my education.  And it bothers me, a lot.  To begin with, I come from a small town and am family to many humble people.  I love having many friends from many backgrounds.  I think that there is so much to learn from one another that the body is just screwed up with we form clicks and don't listen to each other's wisdom.  And so this song strikes me every time.  Which Jesus am I following?  I know what I want the answer to be.  But if I represent Christ to the world, what do they see of my King?  

To be precious and honored in God's sight

It was sooo good to visit Purdue and the women who are my family.  I realized that the women I was most excited to see basically feel into two categories: my sophomore Bible study and my senior Bible study.   I really feel like the women from sophomore year are the girls I grew up with.  Which is probably an odd statement to those who don't know the whole story.  I mean after all, I turned 20 that year, no longer a teenager, how can I be growing up.  Regardless that we are always still growing.  But I feel that in college and with Navs I really grew up, grew in maturity and definitely with my walk with God.  I find myself post-college tending to adapt habits that were similar to high school, with timing and activities.  But my heart, attitude and thoughts are much different.  After talking with another classmate, I realize that my definition of cool, is very far from normal.   After all, I consider crazy nerdy Larry as cool.  Part of me wonders if that is what happens when you go to an engineering school.  But I am almost positive that it's really a testament of how God is changing my eye-sight.  I must admit that I still do judge people on sight and first impressions.  But I've learned that I am a bad judge and to remain silent until I actually know the person.  The real underlying reason I have for no longer trying to categorize people as cool or not is because I want to see as Christ sees.  And I want Him to break my heart for them.  I know many amazing dorks.  And I want to love the un-lovely, though I still have major issues struggling with my own prejudices.

I really enjoyed seeing the girls from my senior Bible study.  This was a joy that was unexpected.  Senior year, I lead the study by myself.  So much went "wrong."  I wasn't what I thought it should look like or what I expected.  I was suppose to be one of two leaders leading a freshman study that I thought would be around 7 or more girls.  I lead by myself.  I had one faithful freshman, one sophomore, and two juniors.  And God blessed me beyond my imagination.  I still smile at the fact that we were all kinda science (me biology, two animal science, one foods nutrition & dietetics, and a psychology-not really science, but close).  Of all the things we didn't have in common, that was one we did and an unexpected one.  And the second semester I remember making the choice to really pour myself into their lives.  This was a significant decision that happened around the women's retreat.  I was lonely because of all who had left me, and I knew that I would be leaving in months, and it is so hard to put effort to what you will soon say goodbye to.  But at the women's retreat, I remember thinking that these girls were awesome and I wanted to get to know them better.  Like most things in my life, I feel like a treasure things more than others.  So while I truly enjoyed these women, I doubted God had really used me to effect their lives.  ( I know, I know.  How very arrogant to doubt God's ability to use anyone.)

So it touched me so much that these women were excited to see me.  Not just accepting that I was there, but excited.  One of my juniors (now senior) introduced me to her father and described me as "one of the people who actually cared about her."  How important our weekly lunches were, which I enjoyed-its not like they were work.

I think at Purdue, Christ began the work of teaching me how to love people.  And not just my feeling of love, but the actions to show them.  I am often amazed in work world situations when colleagues seem to enjoy me and I hope that is because of Christ shining.  I think that I am going to have to learn again how to love recklessly and with complete abandonement.

I praise Christ that He has allowed me to see a glimpse of what He has used me for.  And to remind of the joy of giving my life for others.

Isa 43:4

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life.

To be or not to be in which lab

So my first year of grad school has involved classes and rotations.  There are four rotations of 6 weeks through four different labs.  It's basically a dating process, where you decide if you like the lab, the people, and the research and if they like you.  I really enjoyed my second lab completely, both the people and the research.  My third lab I liked the people and the research was fine, but it was away from the research topic that I am more interested in.  So I have wanted to go into the second lab.  So here is the catch.  Another of my classmates and friends also likes this lab and wants to go into it.  While there is nothing saying that both of us can't go into the lab, it's not a common thing, but because of money and other resources.  And we are both getting the impression from the Professor that we will be taken.  So it will likely come down to the Professor deciding which of us she wants or if she wants both of us.

So I am left wondering, it God is about to change the direction of my life again, or re-arrange it to something unexpected.  And if so, I'm okay with that.  I have concerns.  Of course, I always have concerns.  But I wanted direction and I have been relying on Him.  But this is me, sometimes I need a kick and slammed doors.   So I pray His will be done.  In my third rotation I can see there being more deep friendships and ministry possible.  So if I end up there I won't be heart broken, but a little confused.   Then again,  I am in grad school, confusion seems to be a part of everyday.

Caffeine

So I get to drink caffeine tomorrow.  And I very much look forward to a nice warm probably tea to drink.  I almost broke down tonight, but I didn't.  But it is still very disturbing to realize how many of my habits involve some sort of caffeine without thought.  I enjoy caffeinated drinks for themselves and not just the energy kick, so of course I will enjoy going back to them.  But I will try to pay more attention to my rates of consumption.

bye bye caffeine

So I have decided to give up caffeine completely this week.   One of the reasons is that I never like becoming too dependent on coffee or pop and I like to de-tox to bring my levels back down.  And lately I have been getting into a caffeine habit and I really don't want to be one of those adults who has to have coffee to wake up in the morning.  Though I have to tell you that I am really excited about my first caffeine buzz after this week is over, it should be great!

One of the things that has made me think about my caffeine intake and admit that it was high lately was talking to Sam.  She's mormon and they don't drink coffee or teas and are strict about a lot of intake basically to keep their body pure.  Through my experience with her, it seems like the worship the body as the temple.  So that is in the Bible to treat your body as a temple and to be in control of it.  But sometimes it seems like it is much more to Sam.  It seems like a task to mark off on your way to heaven.  I personally love that most adult Christians I know drink coffee.  While we should take care of these bodies as vessels for Christ's work, they are just that:  jars to hold us in.  And I think that we should be willing to expend this vessel for the glory of God and to not be so attached to the Amercanized perfection through the flesh.

Another interesting insight to Mormons.  The sect that Sam is believe that you are married for eternity.  So that widows don't remarry.  I can't help but wonder how they reconcile this with the old testament command of the kinsman redeemer marrying a widow without children, or how Jesus states that there is no marriage at the resurrection.  I haven't asked her this yet.  I hope to have an opportunity to do so.

Across the sea is the land for me where I long to be

So yesterday was the second weekend I went wedding dress shopping with Sam.  This time around Kelly and Danielle joined us.  It was fun.  We grabbed a ton of dresses and were then helping her in and out of them.  We had a system going.  Then at one point her boy called.  And she was trying to get into the dress while talking on the phone.  The rest of us are not positive what happened because we were putting a dress back in the bag (all of this going on in the same large dressing room).  All of the sudden the bride has fallen over into the pile of wedding dresses.  A sight worth remembering, even if its not a well told story.

So then us four plus Amy and Vanessa had dinner at Amy's.  I feel like I haven't seen most of these girls as often this semester because of different classes.  Last semester I became closer with Danielle, Sam, and Vanessa, who are all Cancer track, so I definitely don't have classes with them.  So I have started to notice lately that I felt like I hadn't seen them as much and was wondering if it was just me, or if it was classes.  Actually it turns out that they all have more time being taken up by boys.  Sam started dating in December, though he's long distance.  And Danielle and Vanessa are both casual dating boys here in Memphis, since this semester.  So I kinda feel out of the loop again.  

It reminds me of fall semester Senior year, where all of the sudden my social life took a dive because of people leaving or dating.  So most likely my grades will go up again.  This is also probably why my grades were higher in high school than in college, I didn't have much of a social life.  It actually saddens me, especially as I go into wedding season, and then apparently everyone around me is dating.  It's just that lately I feel rather not wanted and invisible.  (This is probably why I felt so needed when I helped Amy by giving her a shot on Saturday).  I hate feeling like the tag along that is tolerated.  And though I am here for grad school, overall I feel like I am without purpose here.  You know, God really blessed me freshman year by giving me Amy as a neighbor.  It's not as easy this time.  

This city very much needs Christ, and it seems so big and I need to make use of this time that I have and give it to God.  I am just getting frustrated because I can see where I need to be, but I am still not sure how to get there.  And I also laugh(with my odd humor) as I see how much I have changed.  My mood has sad/depressed/lonely tinges to it because I feel like I am stuck on hold and without purpose.  It amazes me how much God has become my heart and purpose that now when I am on pause, it tears me that I am not running.  Wow, that Holy Spirit really pushes.  So I am not sure where to go from here.  But please pray that I not become discouraged. 

April Fools!!

So today we played a prank on the PI of the lab I am currently in.  (PI=Primary Investigator aka the Professor who controls the lab and our life).  Fruz is a woman, probably in her early 40s.  She is typically fun and on the emotional side.

Miranda is the 3rd graduate student permanently in this lab who has been directing me and showing me the ropes.  Pooja, is the new lab tech.

So it is Miranda's idea to play a joke on Fruz.  One she actually played on her own family four years in a row.  Pooja and I eavedrops out side the door.  Miranda goes into Fruz's office to take to her.  Her eyes are wet and in a weepy voice she says that she needs to talk to Fruz.  Fruz in a concerned voice asks Miranda what's wrong.  "You know how I went and visited Joey for Valentine's day...I think I'm pregnant."  "What?"  And then we burst in with April Fools.  Fruz was very shocked.  And we laughed about it for the rest of the day.  Our other option was that we had caught the lab on fire...maybe next year.