will someone shut her up already!

will someone shut her up already!  That's what I feel like should be applied to me.  I've worried and talked and cried about the lab situation enough.  I'm bored of thinking about it and trying to explain to whoever is pitying me all the facts and feelings.  I know most of the advice and I know how I should feel.  And most of the time I'm pretty good, or just ignoring it.  I'm pretty good at departmentalizing things.  So I think I am doing pretty good.  And then I try to mention my concern to someone and break down all over again.

Enough already!  

One of the reasons that I took the jump and moved to Memphis was because it was kinda scary and I don't want to be afraid of anything.  If God is for us, who can be against us. And so we should need to fear nothing besides His wraith and judgment.  Which His grace  and mercy permits us not to live in fear of it.  Obviously, I still have fears.  BUT I DO NOT WANT THEM TO CONSUME MY LIFE OR MY THOUGHTS.  Maybe the door to school here will be closed.  Maybe research will be closed to me.  And that will be sad.  I will probably cry again from sorrow.  But I am done crying from fear of the unknown (at least on this subject).  If I stay, there will still be ssssooooooooo much unknown, just as much as if I have to leave.

I am done fearing rejection here.  And I want to be done having my identity tied up with my "success" (probably more work to do on that one).   I still long for a place where I belong and I need to remember that because I am an alien that I will never fully know that on this world (though I hope I get glimpses now and then).

waiting

I really have my heart set on Memphis and grad school.  And since God had allowed me to be accepted here, I thought it was a done deal.  See I had already talked with Him and asked Him to be clear last year and if it wasn't His will to slam the door.  And Memphis has been hard on so many levels.  And it has taken so long to finally get settled and to have a more regular schedule.  I finally really want to be here and to not leave.

And right now I have no clue where God is going to lead me.  I have no confidence that I understand.  I'm just a blind silly girl who is trying not to throw a temper tantrum as my toy is taken away.  I don't want to be this both/disturbed/upset/distraught.  But I am.  I really am.  God has already shown Himself innumerable times in my life so that I can have no doubt that He is in control of all situations, working His will and that His plan is good.  And I know and have already seen Him do things beyond my imagination.  

It's just so hard to give up these plans and dreams and to step out to where I can't see.  I guess I could never really see though.  Any insight that I have ever had has only been because God has revealed it and given it to me.  And then there is the feeling of shame if I have to go away because I didn't make it.  I never tried to hold grad school with any pride.  But being a failure feels shameful.  My crying stopped as I wrote the blue line and that's the heart of my distress.  I so very much like the illusion of control.  Except for that idol always fails me eventually.  There's a reason I turn my dreams over to God, He is much worthier and able to watch over them than I am.  Even if He says no, I choose to trust that He knows my heart much better than I do.  I no longer know that to pray for or want.  Much of me very much still longs for this path but the fearless part of me (that usually leaves me trembling later) wants to see God turn my life upside down and into something that I couldn't imagine.  Of course as I write that the majority of my mind is screaming in a panicked and fearful voice that I am crazy. 

 

I haven't lived very recklessly here.  I've been having trouble figuring out how.  I've played it safe with slowly joining in.  Since May I have been diving in head first into the shallow end.  I feel like I am revving my engine at the started line waiting to go.  I get excited when I hear about Christina's "Hawaii", with Jessica's wherever, with Kim's dancing, with Christine's adventures, and with Allyson's wedding.  And my heart is revving and wanting to go, but I am stuck in slow motion. I can imagine where this current path could take me and find it exciting.  But right now I feel like I am standing still.  And it bothers me, because maybe I am waiting for direction, but I think that I should still be active where I am.  It has been a struggle.  I've begun diving in and seeking God more.  Likely that it part of this lesson.

I don't know where I will be in two months. 

More complete update

Not everything is going as horrible as dress shopping.

My current lab is fine.  The people are friendly.  They have a tendency to go towards gossipy-ness-but most things are said light heartily and not spitefully.   I'm working with mice again.  And I'm always kinda surprised that I have no problem with that-I'm rather good about compartmentalizing.  Of course this is really where my morbid humor works well to protect me.  Last Friday I was watching mouth-to-mouse resuscitation. Ok there was no human mouth, but there was an oxygen tank.

This week has been long.  Monday I got in at 9am and left at 9pm, the other woman was actually finishing up until 10:30.  Lunch was at 4:30.  That's what tomorrow looks like too.  Though we are starting earlier and should be a little faster.  This is when I get ansy and want to have more control and planning so that we can be better organized and more efficient.  Today, I got off at 6pm. Again, it was a long experiment, but I think that we could have started earlier than we did.  I long to have more control over my own schedule.   Because frankly, on long days, I would rather arrive very early and get done at a regular time than go so very late.

Friday I am taking off to drive up for a wedding.

Despite the long week, the lab is pretty good.  The research they are doing is directed towards making vaccines for HIV and for para-influenza virus (PIV) that actually kills a good number of infants.  The PIV vaccine is actually in human testing.  It's in adults right now to see side effects, but the problem is that they can't really see if it is a good vaccine in humans without testing children.  Most adults have already experienced this virus and are now immune.  So by the time they get to infants, they will be confident that it is not harmful to humans, but they still will not be positive that it works until they get to un-infected infants.  And of course, here's the real problem, who wants to volunteer their healthy baby to test a vaccine that might offer protection.  But it's exciting, but it appears like a very easy and successful vaccine.

Dress shopping

So among all the other things going on, I am dress shopping for summer weddings.  I always forget exactly how much I hate it.  Usually I am smart enough t bring a friend.  I really just long to be seen as beautiful as I am, in all regards.  Obviously, it's not just the dress.  That's just the focus point of the accumulation of all similar feelings and self doubt and loathing.  Honestly,  I've actually given up the expectation that I will find one, I just keeping hoping.  More than likely I will find one that "works" but that I actually rather hate.  Been there, done that.  Another reason I can't wait until heaven.