Somewhere over the rainbow

Do you ever have those moments when you are stepping between lives and you pause to wonder if they have all really existed?

It is during the holiday season that these different lives, different worlds seem to be juxtaposed most closely: Friday morning I am a hard working, nerdy biologist playing with cholera in Tennessee; Friday night, I am hanging out with BGR friend and fellow nerd in Louisville; Saturday I am reveling in fellowship and deep friendship that is so precious and truly in Christ (and in Indy); Sunday afternoon I am a "patient" daughter and enthusiastic card player at mom's side family get together in Ft Wayne; Sunday night I am the stray daughter returned for candle's and carols in Decatur.

There are moments that I look at my life in Tennessee with shock! Did I really move 10 hr south to the 2nd most dangerous metropolis? Do I really study cholera and enjoy playing with bacteria? And have I really so vastly established myself in only 18 months (though many seemed so long)? And if I ever fully gain my footing, what will it look like?

Such a strong part of me just longs to return to Purdue. The first home that I created for myself. It's always hard for me to objectively recommend it to others, because I feel in love with the people I met there, so I feel in love with Purdue. And when I think of all the semesters, summers, different classes, different housing, different roommates...each year seems like a lifetime worth of memories! So many little (and large) jewels that I treasure. Each year was so vastly unique from the others. How glad I am the I choose Purdue! And how thankful that God went before me and provided for me. There are times that I blink and wonder if it really was that great, if it really happened. I mean it was only four years of my twenty four. And so very many of them spent studying. It strikes me so forcefully that these short four years are huge in my mind. Maybe its because they are most recent and the old fades away, but I think it's because of how much I changed and grew. At the time, it seemed to happen so slowly, sometimes sweetly, sometimes painstakingly, but my life and my heart in Christ became more real and became more actions, and more passionate. And with that I learned what real love and fellowship looked like and felt like. And then to see these amazing friendships last beyond the halls and years of Purdue! That I never expected when I went off to college.

I struggle the most with returning to blood family and Decatur. How do I transition away from the place that they have held still for the person that I was and forge a new place for the person that I have become and that I honestly prefer to be. This was so hard the first few years that I came back. Falling into old habits, and becoming the person of old expectations. I don't feel like that now. But I also don't feel like I am fully seen. (Maybe by my sister and parents, but most definitely not by church or extended family). It's no wonder I get antsy here. I don't fit, not quite. It's like I'm a trapezoid and they only have room for a triangle. So at least it's not the mask that I used to wear. But I always ache for depth and beyond my sister and parents, there only seems to be surface waters.

There are days I that wonder if it's all a dream. Then some days, I am convinced that I am a chameleon with my own coat of many colors. Though, most days, I honestly don't process much more than the present. But then there are some days, moments of clarity, where I get just a glimpse of the tapestry that the Lord has been weaving throughout my life. The most recent seems the boldest and brightest over the faded background. But the dull background allows the contrast to shine so brightly. And though it is often overlooked, it's the beginning and foundation of the pattern that is being woven. I cannot wait until the pattern is complete and I can fully see it all!

Family Time

It's the day after Christmas and the evening after a get-together with my dad's side. And I am...hiding in my bedroom. I think that I am family dynamicked out.

I can't wait until Aubris moves out of the house and into her own. Maybe then I won't get caught in the cross-fires of everyone stepping on everyone else's toes. Maybe...There is nothing like hearing the complaints and hurts of both sides to make you want to duck and cover. And in addition to that, the usual stir craziness of everyone else having a purpose and a life here except for me. I have slept, ate, read two books (2-2inchers in 4 days), watched TV, and baked cookies. In addition to the Christmas get togethers. And yet what do I dream of...invasion of the body snatchers and cholera (literally).

There might be a Ft. Wayne get-together. I have offered up my house and Abby is willing to plan. Uh...giving up planning control. A good choice, I am sure, but not actually easy. Already I am wondering if there will be a big enough group, or an awkward small group. Who all is she inviting and in the end if it will really matter or just be good anyways. And then I am wondering if it will actually impede on planned family time. Which I will try to keep seperate.

Ugh, I get so annoyed at this point. I am stir crazy and ready to leave, because I have been waiting too long. And at this point, when my friends are available to do stuff and I am crazy, is when my family will finally, maybe be available. And then I feel guilty because they are a little too late and someone else has claimed my time. I don't know. We'll see what happens. I think I am ready to head back to Memphis, but will probably stay out the week.

I am so bored, sick of television and sitting around. I want to be available to catch whatever time is available with family, but they are all so tired from their normal days, that I feel guilty for even making suggestions. I hate being on hold.