BTW

BTW...that was why you don't throw away older emails...at least not until the task is completed...if then.

departmental seminar

So today was present my research to the whole department day. Lovely powerpoint and all.

So what all could possibly go wrong:

Boss is teaching a class beforehand and may be late: check (though he did arrive on time)

Because Boss may be late, may need to ask another prof last minute to introduce me: actually I was just going to skip the intro

Who know if the laser point in the hall will work, but Boss is using his own

Humid frizzy day so no chance for good hair: check-it started raining two days ago

What to wear?: Fortunately I did all my laundry this weekend-apparently its been a very long time since I did it all.

Can't get in the room to set up early: check, though I arrive 30min early, a class beforehand was done, but still asking questions. They didn't clear out until 5min til after I had been standing inside the class for 10 minutes.

Reason we arrive early is because we are paranoid about something going wrong with the powerpoint. Ways we have prepared "just in case." All slides and animations were done on my PC at work and none on my Mac at home because I knew I would be presenting on a PC and things don't transfer well. Not only is my presentation saved on my thumb drive, but I also emailed it to myself. And I cannot tell you the numerous times I have gone through the slides making sure it all works right.

Things going wrong with powerpoint: check

First it didn't look like it would load at all, because this version had the older ppt version...in addition to the new one-so that was ok. But as soon as it loaded, it told me that it couldn't support all the features. So I immediately go through all my slides. Everything looks like its working...except, one complete slide is missing. Granted, this slide is a busy complicated slide, but it shows the data for a third of my research! I try one I emailed to myself, but it is still not loading. My boss comments that I am just going to have to describe my slide. THIS IS A PICTURE SLIDE!! I could tell you what is going on, but let me tell that I would have had a bored and skeptical audience. So I go back into my overflowing email inbox. I have been mocked before for not being better at deleting old mail. But today that meant that I had six version of my ppt mailed to myself over the last week as various stages of completion. So after opening a couple, I found one that showed my data. Though it was not as clean or pretty as I wanted, IT WAS THERE! And so I quickly clean up the mess and inserted it into my presentation.

And I had a really good presentation. I was actually the first to go of this season, when most often 3rd year go late in the year. And it was nice to hear my boss introduce me, which I hadn't thought about at all ahead of time. But considering that I really love any sort of praise...public verbal praise from the boss will bolster my spirit for awhile.

As for the presentation itself, I explained it well enough that my audience followed me and had good questions and interactions. And most questions I could answer, especially the ones that I should be able to answer. And I was actually complemented on doing a good job by both fellow students and faculty. Considering that I don't actually interact with a lot of people daily, let alone those saying good things about me...I had a good day, that I will probably store up for awhile.

random pandora saying it so much better than me

"Here's My Life" by Barlow Girls

Once again I said my goodbyes To those who I love most

My heart feels that familiar pain As I long for home

'Cause this road is hard When I feel so far

God I'm crying out tonight 'Cause I've given You my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more here's my life

On the day that You called my name All that I knew changed

I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same

Though the call is hard You are worth it all

God I'm crying out tonight 'Cause I've given You my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more

Even when the tears are falling When I find I fear the calling

You remind me Words You've spoken over my life

Promises I've yet to see You comfort me

God I'm crying out tonight 'Cause I've given You my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more, here's my life

Irony

I'm just going to avoid studying for a bit longer and talk about yesterday's irony.

I never wear open toed shoes to lab. Its just not good lab safety protocol. You have to worry about dropping chemicals and other objects and truthfully, I break glass a lot. So only on quick weekend trips to the lab do I even consider wearing open toed shoes. And mostly its for my own safety. Pretty sure that I could get away with a lot in my lab, because overall its casual. I give the other student across the hall a hard time for his sandals. But no one else comments. I see my boss wear sandals now and then, but then again he's the boss and has other bad habits. But sometime this month I saw Mrs boss wear sandals in lab. She's the one I real watch for appropriate lab habits. And I assume that she wasn't actually doing much benchwork (she actually makes good use of her lab coat).

So yesterday morning, I didn't want to wear close toed shoes. I knew I was doing no benchwork, only sitting at the computer all day and I really wanted to wear flipflops. So I did, being sure that it would be no problem. Within 15 minutes of arriving at lab, my boss tells me the safety inspector is coming...dun dun dunnnn...on Thursday (whew!). So we have to make sure things are labeled well and all of that. And that of course all of my work with cholera is done in the hood. A bit later as he pops in for something else (or something), he points out that my flip flops will be "illegal" Thursday. Pretty sure that was the actual word I used. I assured that that was the first time during the week that I had worn them. And he believed me and understood that it was because I knew I wasn't doing benchwork (I don't think he would have cared otherwise). But its one of the points of it being a problem having the students desks right beside the lab benches. Because I can't eat or drink at my desk either. Which I never do during the week either (unlike my boss).

But anyways...the irony of the day...the first time I ever wear open toed shoes to work, I have to worry about the safety inspector.

[I am being surrounded by cats, who apparently feel neglected b/c their owner has abandoned them...]

Purdue!

Originally the joke was going to be: You know you have been in the South to long when, you use to travel to Michigan to escape Indiana's August, and now I am traveling to Indiana to escape Tennesse's August.

However, it's now: You know you've been in the South too long when you can out-talked Allyson. (Danielle, she the Sunday afternoon talker). Yeah, so the beginning of coffee yesterday started with me doing the majority of talking, though she did take her turn in the end. Maybe it's not the south. Maybe its the caffeine or the excitement. Regardless of the cause, I kept up with Allyson in conversation yesterday. What's happening to me?

This morning finds me equally as talkative and equally as caffeinated. But I think I need to condense my weeks impressions before unleashing my yammering onto the world. Already this morning, I took over an hour to compose an email that was in response to two lines.

I've been getting my fill of people this week and have loved how the timing has worked out.

Saturday I drove up from Memphis, spent the night at Karen's house in Kokomo. I went to church w/ her and the family. After lunch I proceeded to Oxford and Elisa's. Traveling straight, I arrived when I originally expected. I spent the evening and night at Elisa's. And left her place at 10ish. I proceeded to lovely Purdue. Spent the afternoon sitting in the shade enjoying the breeze-beautiful day. At 4, I had coffee w/ Charlene (she asked if I still remembered Christine, which is highly amusing since I consider Christine as the connection that brought me into the closer circle of getting to know Charlene). Then I arrived at Courtney's right on time. I spent 2 nights at Courtney's coming and going. Which has been great and has also given me some quiet time, though no internet. Tuesday lunch, I got to meet up with my cousin Jodi, her husband and daughter. I had not seen Jodi in about 2 years and had never met her daughter. I was then suppose to have dinner w/ Munazzah, but I never heard from her, though I tried to call her a couple of times. I was worried that she had sent an email w/ time and place, but this morning, via email I found that her mother had had an accident and she had to take care of her. So things are find with her mother and I am relieved that I didn't stand her up. That also translated as a second dinner night with Courtney, which was again wonderful. Wednesday morning, I had coffee with Allyson, then lunch with Rebekah. Went back to Courtney's for nap time. Had a late dinner w/ Mindy and spent the night at Mindy's. This morning, I am sitting at Cafe Royal, enjoying a cup of tea and high speed internet. The plans of the rest of the week are: dinner tonight with Lora. I have a hotel room tonight for a better night's sleep. I travel again tomorrow and will probably have lunch with Sarah in Elkhart before having coffee with Jessica in the Fort. Friday evening, I will be home in Decatur for family time. Saturday is the parents' anniversary and Sunday is Dad's birthday. Sunday I will be driving back to Memphis.

Now imagine a verbose recap of the last couple of days.

Though I have culture shock days and lonely times in Memphis, I don't think I have ever regretted my choice. And as much as I love the time I am getting to spend this week, I realize before my trip that this can't be home anymore. Which has actually made my trip better. I think when I first planned it, I was looking for belonging or something to that effect. But as I left and drove up, I remembered why I left and appreciated the wisdom I had in moving on. As I talk with many of these women, they too are sometimes lonely and don't feel like they belong. It has been a great time of mutual encouragement. Of seeing how the Lord has previously provided and is providing. And a great time of iron sharpening iron. I needed and have immensely enjoyed this time. But for much different reasons than I originally planned it. Some people like big parties and being the center of a huge groups attention. One on one time is exceedingly precious to me. Especially since it often seems to take a bit longer for me to fully convey what has been going on in my life. I think it was the second late night with Courtney that she got a better picture of the guy I'm crushing on. Oh and I've been enjoying giving biology lessons. Last night I got to explain to Mindy about chemical bonds: ionic and covalent bonds, electrons and electron orbital shells, and some electronegativity. And no Kim, her eyes did not glaze over. I'm trying to decide if I want to admit that that conversation happened around midnight or later. I love my non-science friends who let me explain and are interested. Elisa has a good biology background and I explained more my research to her. Her reaction was that she understood and followed me, but that she was so glad that I was the one doing it and not her ;) Fair enough.

Freak Show

There are times when it is so apparent to me that I don't belong. And it's not always easy to pin point exactly what it is, but suddenly I am overwhelmed by how freakish I am. It seems to happen a bit more often down south in Memphis. And then I get nostalgic for the North. But let's be honest, I'm a freak there too. When I go back to my home town, I know that I don't belong. It doesn't fit anymore. But I don't think it ever did. Or more like I never did. And then I get nostalgic for Purdue because I had some truly wonderful years there. But I am glad that I was wise enough to move on because when I remove the amnesia and recall the whole, I know that there were lonely moments there too. Moments, when I did not fit. There are people and moments when I am completely at home. Or at least as close as I've ever known. But those are only transitory and glimpses of what I constantly long for: home, a place where I am completely known, loved, and excepted. No masks allowed. I don't think such a place exists. Not fully, not consistently, not in this life. I think I hunger for something this world cannot offer. Somedays I don't notice it and somedays it just aches.

So Isaiah 40-60ish are my comfort passages. And 40-42 just talks about God's might and how big He is and how insignificant the nations are compared to Him. And how fleeting my life is, like the grass that withers and the flowers that fall.

This is but a season. All seasons pass in their time. And all seasons are useful in their time.

My last year at Purdue was often lonely, especially that first semester. A lot of my dear friends had left campus and the rest were busy with new stages of their life. That was the best gpa of my college career, second only to my very first semester. Brilliant timing for grad school applications. And the next semester, I made even better use of my time. I invested it in some wonderful younger women. Because I was lonely, they got my best.

The week after my most recent "I DO NOT belong here!" episode, I got an email from Memphis mom. She was thanking me for encouraging her 16yr old daughter. I love her daughter, she is a truly awesome woman. She enjoys hanging out with us upper 20s. So yeah, she doesn't belong either, not in highschool anyways. I wish I could tell her that it gets better. Actually it does, just not always easier.

I've also realized that I have now been in lab long enough to know enough that I'm the person people come to with questions. This is most often the intern in the lab across the hall, but sometimes it is lab techs in the building, once in awhile its a professor. See, I'm not as important as my professor, nor am I as intimidating as Renee. So apparently I am approachable. Point being is that I am now in an advisor position(ish). Esp with this intern and comforting him with the fact that screwups definitely happen. He's a med student. He expressed the fact that he didn't know how we could deal with constant failure and disappointment. I have been chewing on that for awhile and that answer will probably show up in another blog.

But these last few examples were to illustrate that when I am off balance, lonely, and a freak show, God really makes use of me. When I'm lonely, I see others' loneliness better. When I'm not comfortable, I see the strays better and I care more. And when I'm broken, I listen more and I learn much more.

So at the end of the day, does my being a freak matter? Yes and no. In view of My God, His glory, His plan, and His will, no it does not matter. If the only way I can bring Him glory is to stick out like some freak attracting lightning in a storm, reminding people that there is another way, then I pray that I have the endurance to be odd for as long as He has use of me. The only reason that it matters is because my gracious God cares about the little things too. He sends me reminders and people to show me He cares and that this is not the end of the story and definitely not the complete story.

I could wear many masks and fit in many places. No one would ever need to know that I am something weird/different. I am a great chameleon, smart enough to guess what you want to see or not see. But one thing that I have learned, for all that I am and lack, I am best and like myself best when I am no one else.

belong

I'm waiting for the day and for the place where I will belong. Because I am a stranger here and no one understands the melody of my song. Tired of the world of polite smiles and nods. That everything is perfectly fine, though really its at odds. Don't look to closely at the face behind this mask. There are questions that you should just never ask. But truth is what I seek, my deep desire. And a thread, a rope to pull me out of this congealing mire. A solid rock and hope to stand on. For this promise is what I wait and long.

Surrender

Just read a depressing article about the reality of lack of job prospects for future American scientists. And it makes sense.

The worst part is, I never expected to become a rich or famous scientist, I just really enjoy it. So I want it for the sake of the work. Otherwise it would be much easier to entertain the thought of taking my education and turning elsewhere.

So now I wonder what my Lord has in store for me. I am fully confident that He has led me here. I now wonder how He will shape my future. I wonder what I will have to let go of and what will be beyond my imagination. I know the things I dream of both the impossible and the more practical. Here again is something that I really have no control over. And once again, I am going to have to surrender it to my King. Oh I know fully well it is better this way. I just don't usually like not having the delusion of control.

Happy Anniversary

So I had a dream this morning that basically involved me being panicked. I didn't have a research project to get funding to convince someone to take me. I was desperate. But then my dream resolved happily because I was one of three people to be awarded a Magnum scholarship (which does not exist in the conscious world).

What a random dream! And definitely not something I am worried about right now. But that was almost exactly what I was worried about last year at this time. I just went back through my email. June 23rd, 2009, I received an email from Dr. Bina inviting me to join the lab if I was still interested.

So happy anniversary to me and to God's faithfulness and His faithful reminders.

The Shape of Things

A book I am reading tonight is written by a woman who taught literature in Tehran before and during the Islamic Republic of Iran. Only a generation of separation saw daughters enforced to observe strict customs that they mothers were free to ignore at their age. I think before that it was lost to me that things became drastically more restrictive and conservative. I think I had only imagined it and a refusal towards liberation, not a regression. But one line that echoes in my thoughts as I head to bed: "Was it any consolation, and did we even wish to remember, that what he did to us was what we allowed him to do?"

So here is a thought and a question for you. Are we any different?

The Western culture is most noted for the sexualization of women. Though many claim freedom, what is seen most in media is women as sex objects. Perhaps they are using that for their own gain, or being used. But they are still existing within the same set of rules and standards that others set for them.

I can't help but think back only a few centuries ago to the Victorian era and their elegant and gorgeous dresses. All the lace, bindings, and corsets that helped to create the perfect woman.

So who has determined the roles we must play and the garb we must wear. And when did we let someone else make that determination for us?

Are we any different?

Do we want to be different?

Can we be different?

And if so, what would different look like? With silent or ruckus rebellion would we rage?

Perhaps we would fall into emo or punk rock looks to show our rejection of conformity. Or maybe we will choose to be drab, forfeiting delightful colors to show that we don't need or want them. Or maybe like a certain so called Lady, we will throw all color and style into unexpected results to achieve shock and set new standards for others to try to emulate.

So the next question that should soon follow, how much do clothes and style really matter? Though perhaps, they should be means of expressing ourselves, they are more often means of hiding ourselves behind presentations of what is acceptable to see. They are just another mask that allow us to avoid the personality that moves within them.

Why do we work so hard to hide our own individual and ignore other individuals? There is such an expression of loneliness and longing for being known and loved in our world, yet we do everything possible to avoid true interactions. Our fear of pain and vulnerability are truly the cages that we wear. Though admittedly, some with much more reason than others.

But perfect love casts out fear.

Our Lord Jesus has shown us perfect love. Will we allow it to cast out fear? And if this is true, then what changes should and will follow? Shall we fall into the trap of perfecting our own image or piousness? Or shall we burn our masks and wear our true faces that our King will changing according to His goodness?

Who will we allow to define us? And what will we allow to shape us? Regardless if anyone is listening, and regardless if anyone cares, we have do a voice and we have a choice. Do we conform or risk standing alone?

What chains are you still eager to bear? And once you tire of them, as you most certainly will, will you be able to cast them aside? Or will you find that the bondage you willing kept and held, now holds and keeps you?

screen play

My roommate sniggered at me last night as I was reading a screenplay from a friend. She will probably claim there no snigger, nor any such thought or emotion approaching a snigger. But in my blog it is a snigger. Probably because I am reading this screenplay as though it is a book and making notes on it. I think it is good with much potential. But in addition to all of that, I wish I could write. I've been blog stalking CEBlake tonight, who again has a wonderfully written blog. Not to mention the masterpieces of Becker. And though there are others of my readers who I stalk as well, I don't feel like pointing out how much of my time I spend spying on others.

Now there are those who painstakingly read this blog, which once in awhile is of interest. But for one who loves books so very much, I know how little skill I have. Not to mention that the writing skills that I do have will like be lost as they are honed toward writing and producing scientific literature. Growing up, we are often told that we could be whatever we want. But in actuality there are things that you need skills for. So I will continue to consume large quantities of literature and cheer on those with actual skill and insight.

Frivolous movies

I had a conversation earlier this week about the Twilight movies and whether they are worth watching or not. And if they are good things for teenager girls to watch or not.

I actually do not have a very strong opinion on this. I have read all the books and will probably see all the movies. And while I think the first book is pretty good example for younger ladies, I'm not so sure about the other three books.

And though I feel that my roommate might gasp when I say this, "I could probably pass on seeing the movies." So why, you may ask, do I go? I enjoy social interaction of it.

Ok, so I'm a nerd. Small talk with me, isn't normal. It just isn't. First of all, I'm blunt and usually get bored with small talk, second of all, what do I have to talk about?

Example:

"So what do you do?"

"I'm a graduate student who gets paid a minimal amount of money to work on resistance nodulated family efflux pumps of vibrio cholera, the gram negative bacteria endemic in many developing countries that causes massive diarrhea that can lead to death. But don't worry, people only become infected after ingesting contaminated food or water."

awkward pause....

"That's interesting."

So I enjoy having something common to share. I noticed this the most last Christmas on my mom's side. This is a group of bull-headed germans of various interests and little small talk besides arguing over who remembers decades old memories the best, while playing Euchre of course. But last Christmas, over dinner, we talked books. Which actually should have been an obvious source of common interest, considering my grandmother's head-stone is in the shape of a book. But all of a sudden, I found myself talking with my decade older cousin and her two teenage step-daughters about Twilight. I always want to talk to the teenagers, but don't know where to start. So this was great. And it was something in common. Even though my dad may have been slightly mocking. I plan on keeping in mind the book worm conversations for the next get together.

I was reminded of this today when I was at the pool with two of my grad school girls. A black lady with her pack of kids had seen us reading our books and overheard us talking of our plans of seeing the upcoming Twilight movie and proceeded to talk to us about the books. It was so random, but I really enjoyed it. It seemed pretty obvious that her friends and family weren't interested in the books and we talked about a couple of other movies/books/tv shows too. But I enjoy having things to talk to strangers about. Well and to friends too, of course.

hey now this is my desire, consume me like a fire

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in you hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Here is what I want. Though things may tempt and turn my head, this is the desire of my heart. Though there are times that I stare at what the world has and wonder if it is better. This is what I know is true. God has proven His faithfulness in word and deed and He has proven His love. And though there are moments that I feel frustration, disappointment, or impatience, I want His will and plan that is able to immeasurably more than I can imagine. I want what my God has planned. Lord, I pray that You do whatever it takes to draw me closer and make me more like you. If I can trust you with my eternity, please help me trust you with my today.

I don't understand how you could love me, but I know that you said you did and you don't lie. Please help me know the love that surpasses knowledge and be filled with Your fullness. I know that they are beyond my imagination.

choice

There are days when the state of the world just crashes down on me. I am a very privileged person in a privileged country, so most days I don't have to deal with it. Most days I can avoid it. Most days I can be callous and hide from it. But some days reality crashes in.

I work on a bacteria that causes a disease that is almost completely preventable. We know that cholera is transmitted by ingestion of infected food or water. Clean water, good sanitation, and education about these things would make this disease thing of history, like it is for us in the US. Most of the time when I mention cholera to friends, they imagine Oregon trail, a game based on our history. Most people don't know or realize that epidemics of cholera still occur and that it is endemic in many areas. Yeah, it can't be removed from the environment, but boiling water would sure be effective. Or washing hands in clean water. All those things that we take for granted. Often it is poor infrastructure of third world countries or areas of refugees. In other words, its a disease of unimportant disposable people, so why should we care.

For many of us, those people have no faces, names or histories. They are invisible. Maybe we see commercials of them or something like that. Maybe we hear their stories. And mostly, we forget.

We are in the information age. The realities of poverties should be more apparent to us and more available for us to help. And in some cases we see great efforts to help. I think Haiti is a great example of public rush to support invisible people after a disaster. But we are people of such short attention span. It has been less than 6 months since the earthquakes in Haiti. They are still in a disaster situation. When was the last time you heard anything about it? It is my assumption and hope that the agencies that collected the monies for Haiti are being wise in its use and that the great public outpouring is still in effect through that. But I don't know that. And though that is my hope, it is not my point. My point is the public. Who are easily moved to a temporary solution/outpouring, feel good about their efforts, and forget about it.

Most conditions of poverty, disaster, or disease need long term sustainable solutions. We are so willing to apply quick fixes, but so lacking in disciplined true solutions. It is so tragic to know that true solutions are possible, yet aren't in practice. WHO is trying to implement the use of a marginally successful oral vaccine for cholera. I don't know my opinion. Even marginal is better than nothing. But it's not the better choice.

You know I have similar thoughts when I see commercials for fancy feast cat foods. With real pieces of shrimp and chicken that you can actually distinguish. What is wrong with us? We feed our useless furry domestic animals nothing but the best, yet we allow the starvation of fellow human beings.

There are days that I wish to be blind or oblivious. But truly it is not the better choice.

Homesick?

Oh goodness. There are just those times when you long to see dear friends. In theory, the longer I am out of college, further away from you all, and more immersed in new friendships here, the less I should miss you. And yeah, it comes and goes. But somehow I think I just love you more every year. And that means I miss you. Tonight, not in the teary-eyed sort of way. But just the dull ache of wishing I could be many places at once.

A Relational God

Sunday nights are small group nights. For the last couple of weeks the lesson topic has been The Image of God. How we reflect God in many areas of our beings. Tonight it was relationships. And it strikes me again and again how amazing is this God we serve. With in relationships there are levels of : self-revelation, emotional attachment, reciprocity, concern for well-being, and correction. And those make sense and we see them in the relationships that we have here on earth. One point that was made about self-revelation is that the more you reveal, the closer you invite someone. But if you don't want someone to be closer to you than you shouldn't reveal so much. This was stated a bit more towards caution of unloading your burdens to a stranger. Or getting to close to the opposite than is appropriate. But on the twist side, if you do want to have a closer relationship with someone, often its best to revel yourself to them, which encourages reciprocity. And I've seen that. You ladies have probably seen my desire for deep friendships. It's scary territory to be that open, but someone has to start.

So now let's take a step back and consider our King. Talk about self-revelation. All of nature sings of His glory. Nature itself points to an amazing Creator, artistic Master of all. Yet, He gives us even more. He writes a love letter to us, picking us, choosing us, coaxing us to draw closer and know Him. And in His self-revelation, He also includes correction, because He knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows the very pitfalls that we will keep us separated from Him and He tells us. Then on top of the songs of creation, and the love letters, He himself arrives in a form that we should best understand: human.

So based on how much God has reveled of Himself and the extent that He has gone through to revel Himself to us in ways which we can comprehend...how close do you think that He wants to get?

On a side note, I just wanted to comment on God's graciousness in restoring relationships. There have been many times in my life where friendships of various degrees have lapsed, broken, or faded. Sometimes my fault or the other's, but in general due to business and carelessness. It always amazes me when God brings someone back into my life and gives me the opportunity to restore a relationship.

World Movers

You know, I have been exceedingly fortunate in the women that God has graciously placed in my life. Women who are passionate, fearless, strong, compassionate, and courageous. Though I know that often they do not feel like any of those things let alone all of them.

You may think that I have rose colored glasses on when I look at you. I can hear the skepticism in your voice, "that's not me. she doesn't know the real me. if only she knew the full truth. if only..." Some of that skepticism is based out of true humility and some is from undervaluation (I can't believe spell check is letting that word pass). And the reason, I can hear the voices in your heads, is not due to telepathic ability, nor to an exceedingly creepy and curiously effective stalking method, but rather those are the same voices that whisper to my mind and creep into my heart.

As much as I fully long to be known, there is always the fear of revulsion when the dirt is exposed. The constant struggle with being open, honest, and vulnerable paired with the instinctive desire to guard this heart and not show any sign of my weakness. There is so much weakness, so much dirt, and so much grace. As much as I deeply and truly feel my imperfection, my mistakes, my unworthiness, I truly begin to understand my God, His sacrifice, and His character. I don't understand how or why God loves me. Nor why Christ would be willing to die on Calvary for me. But God is faithful and He does not lie. Why would He? And He has said that He loves me. Plain and simple. Only it wasn't that simple, it took a price to love me. And because He loved me, He paid it. Dirt and all, because He said He would and that He loved me.

So this blog has veered from its original intent (guess Allyson isn't the only one going down the bunny trails). But I think that this bunny trail is truer to the heart of what I want to say. Those lies that you believe that cause you to want to hide behind your mask, are just that: lies. We are dead. That past is dead. Those imperfections dead. Dead I say, because we are covered in the blood of Christ. And in His blood, we are found righteous, beautiful, something new. And we have new names: Christian. And even more so, He has given us His Spirit as a deposit of what is yet to come. And ladies, that is not a Spirit of timidity.

So when I name you as I see you, do not call me a liar nor a fool. My glasses are not lensed with roses. But my heart does see through different eyes. Though I too struggle to see myself this way, I know it is true. My value, my worth is not dependent on my works. What the world says I am, has no part in my identity. I am a daughter of the King. It is my God who defines me, and whom I want to dance for. Though I still struggle to wade through the waters of this world, I want it to be the joy set before me that enables me to endure the hardness of this world, scorning its shame, giving me perseverance to run this race.

So ladies, those who read this and those who don't, but all the ones that my wonderous God has placed in my life, thank you for being reminders, examples of promises, for struggling beside me, being fellow warriors, and for rejoicing with me in my Creator and His work. My prince who knows the depths of my heart, knew that I would need you. And I call Him gracious because as good as He always is, He has chosen to provide.

importune

So this has been a busy weekend!

Yesterday morning, I helped move boxes for a set of friends who are planning on selling their house and are at the staging stage. So that they need to move a bunch of stuff to storage. It actually took a lot less time than I thought.

And then I went to a crawfish boil. So fellow Northerners, it's a favorite event of those in the South. They get a bunch of fresh crawfish~cause it has to still be alive or else you will get sick from bad crawfish, then they boil it will a bunch of spices, red potatos and corn, and usually sausage as well. Then when it's down, they dump it out onto a table and you stand around and eat, or take a plate and eat. It's an art form learning to get the tail meat out. But I like sea food, so it was good. And it was such a gorgeous afternoon. We were at a friends "farm" aka cabin/house set on a good chunk of land with a man made pond and maybe some woods. But the sun was out and the skies were blue, no mosquitos and the was high 70s/low 80s.

Then my roommate and I went to lows in prep for the yard work we did today.

We now have a small veggie garden, which I dug and planted, sitting in the only sunny spot in all our yard. She mowed and worked on weeding and trimming the already planted plumage. Then we both did some pots. If you want to look at pics, go to her blog "Prattling Peacock."

Kim, I thought of you today, when I hit my head multiple times on the same low hanging branch.

That intro is really only a side commentary and not the main blog.

This morning in Sunday school, Teacher Tim was speaking and was quoting someone else, saying, how sad the state of man that we must be importuned to be happy. But how wonderful God is that He is willing to importune use.

My thoughts (and maybe yours), Importune, do I know that word? Oh he's repeating, maybe context clues. No he just repeated himself. I'm pretty sure I've never heard the word. Now he's moving on, but I still don't know what he said and it seemed important. Do I interrupt? But I know I won't pay attention the rest of the time if I am still stuck on this word. I have a pretty good vocab and I'm sure that I haven't heard it before, surely there are others thinking the same.

"Hey Tim," I say clearly in a probably timid voice.

"Yeah?"

"I don't know what importune means," stated simply. And at least 75% of the room(~15) burst out in agreement. I was actually probably a little red at this point.

And he let us know that it meant inviting/imploring/pleading.

Looking it up now, it means : (verb) ask (someone)persistently or pressingly for or to do something

At small group tonight, Teacher Tim and Wife Pam tell me that they had been talking about me earlier that they thought I was brave for speaking up. While I like hearing that, I'm not sure I would go that far. But I think that this is another example of how grad school is changing me. I'm starting to become pretty used to be the stupid/ignorant person who has to ask for information that I don't know, yet that seems key to understanding. Why is it so hard to admit ignorance? Though I am becoming well practiced, it's still hard.

how lovely

So lately I've been seeing someone that I don't think I've seen in awhile. While now and then I maybe have caught glimpses, I haven't really seen her. And I realize that I've really missed her.
She is passionate, not just annoyed or angry, but good passion. And her passion is purposeful with actions following her heart. Apparently, she has more patience than I realized. And though sometimes she definitely needs to check her pride, she is willing to learn humility. And I've noticed that other people appreciate her directness, even though we are in the south. And her heart and her passion isn't just for the fun times, but also in her work. That though at times, things don't always work out right, she still strives hard.
I think she's really good at seeing people's need and trying to do something, though maybe that is only my skewed outlook.
And I've noticed her leadership skills lately, people are following her lead. In a good way. This last part is said with somewhat amazement, because I can definitely remember passed times where this wasn't true.
Lately, I've also started to see how lovely she is. Which is huge, because by worldly standards, she isn't physically beautiful.
And I find that I want to be her and that I want to grow more like her. And I kinda want to get to know her more. Seeing her fills me with hope of God's promises.

So by now you may be asking who this friend is. I think that she is what you guys see when you look at me. He who began a good work in me, is still at work, and I am excited to see how He will continue to work.
He's so gracious.

operation fellowship and outreach

Game night was success. As date approached there was concern that it may not go as well as anticipated. Not so many RSVPs of Yes, some coming early, some coming late.
As planner, things looked out of my control. But choose to pray and trust in God for fellowship even with a small group and to get over myself.
For most of the evening there were 10. 5 boys, 5 girls. In boys vs girls sukatash (please pardon spelling), the girls clearly proved themselves the better communicators.
New Hannah came and appears willing and eager to be sucked into group.
Through my own hungry eyes, hunger for fellowship was evident.
Cherry on top, co-host Heather's hubby freely offered (without any involvement from me) to close in prayer.

I hope others see the joy and potential that I do.
I think next planned event will be in about two weeks. Reason 1: because Palm Sunday and Easter stuff going on. Reason 2: Sunday school plan for bowling next Sunday evening. Reason 3: I want to see if someone else will step up and make plans.

Participation desired! If you pray for me, please direct in this area, because that's one place my heart is leading me right now.

provision and bounty

So Josh is a friend in Memphis that I have really come to appreciate. Both he and his wife. Though I doubt that I will every feel really close to either of them. I have felt loved. Josh is a fellow grad student and actually the other student in my lab. I have found that we make pretty good lab partners. Though life might be lacking in fun and laughter, it's comfortable and efficient, which is what I like my work area to be like. Josh and his wife Lindsay are also the couple who pick up strays and help them plug into fellowship. Almost every Thursday they host dinner and watching of the office. They both go to church where Lindsay's family is at and where she grew up. I now go to church where Josh grew up. I learned about and tried both through my connection with them. I have also been attending a woman's Bible study through their church, though it is often not the depth of the one that I attend through my church. I joined Lindsay's Bible study group because I was desperate for some fellowship and Bible discussion my second semester. This was when I was attending my church but not really plugged in yet. I often consider no longer attending this women's group, but I remain undecided.

As I have become more involved with my church and my Sunday school group, I have become less involved with the fellowship group of Josh and Lindsay. I'm branching off as is often expected. But I still deeply appreciate their friendship.

Monday, through Lindsay at Bible study, I find out that Josh is planning on leaving the program and becoming a teacher. And I can really see how that makes sense for him. But my initial reaction was "oh crap." I'm left all alone. Even though I don't talk to Josh a ton, he really is the only one I talk to during the day (though I do lunch w/ Kelly). But also, I am often intimidated with authority figures, even benign ones. And I like to have someone else to split their attention with. That way we can take turns been on the bottom of the totem pole. So that initially made me nervous. And then I felt a little annoyed that there was this big situation change right when I was feeling comfortable and excited with my church group.

And that's when I saw it. God's provision.

I have learned that I really need godly men in my life. And fellowship in my life. Lately, I have been so enjoying my church group, both the men and the women. And it is so dear and important to me. So I've realized that Josh and Lindsay formed a sort of interm fellowship for me. One that I needed until I got on my feet and involved.

As I shared in this in my Bible study tonight, one of the older women gave me this verse.

Jer 23:4 I will place shepherds over them who will tend them, and they will no longer be afraid or terrified, nor will any be missing," declares the Lord.

I hope that Josh never feels like these two last years were a waste. Because for me they weren't, and I am sure that both Danielle and Tyler would agree. I intend to tell Josh how his faithfulness has shown God's glory.

But I just want to praise God's timing and provision. I'm losing my interms after my feet have been established. And I am excited to run.

operation fellowship and outreach

initial stage of operation has been success. am now fully involved and accepted member of group.

beginning steps of next stage has commenced. have successfully been involved in the planning of one organized dinner activity, where much fellowship was observed within group. next organized activity in process. game night w/ cohost heather and her hubby. anticipate success as other previous games nights have been well enjoyed.

have had mini-discussions with several agreeing to eagerness of pursuit. have had longer discussion with charlotte and joey indicating general need. have revealed ideal of operation of heather.

future steps:

continued fellowship opportunities throughout the week without mom-Pam and dad-Tim needing to be involved. anticipate that they will approve of children growing up.

establish fellowship and encouragement of growth.

draw in strays. give them home and fellowship.

draw in lost through activities. give them hope

participation encourage:

need prayer. much prayer. and more prayer.

give me truth or shut up

Reading a book with several women. It's the celebration o discipleship. This last week was simplicity. I think the main point was "seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness."
One point was simplicity in speech. And lead to our discussion about lying and little white lies and so forth. One of the women is really nice and sweet and has a very pleasing personality and apparently tells little white lies all the time. To basically mollify or be polite. But I don't get it. I really don't. Maybe it is because I am both blunt and a northerner and they are southerners. But I don't get it. How is it more polite to lie to someone than to tell them the truth? Now, I'm not saying that I want everyone to come up to me and tell me how fat I am and that the humidity is definitely not doing anything for my hair. But I also don't want to be told that I look amazing if I don't. Cause most of the time, I know my real situation, so I know if you are lying, which just makes me suspicious of you and your character. And like I said, you don't have to say the negative thing to be honest. Silence is often a perfectly good alternative, though of course there are times to speak up. And though I love bluntness, I try to steer clear of brutal honesty.
One example of this pleasing person was a recipe for eggplant. Her mother in law had been spending a lot of time that week helping her prep for this recipe. Which the pleasing person really did not like. But when her mother in law asked, she said she enjoyed it. Her husband was shocked at her. But she didn't want to her this other persons feelings. (Now let's wonder at all the possible complications further down the road. Especially when mom in law makes this especially for her.) I think that it would have been perfectly ok and honest to state that you appreciate the effort and that though it is better than what you have had before that you still don't like eggplant. It just seems so obvious to me that you can state you dislike of eggplant without it being a reflection on the other person.

But I think I know what really gets to me about this. Honesty and integrity are so important and dear to me. I value them in the same place that I value faithfulness and view them all together. K-love had a quiz for finding your love language. Obviously my primary one is words of affirmation. . . So liars give fake love and ensue betrayal. So please be blunt and honest with me. Because then the real words of love actually have meaning.
Another thought is about actions. How does someone who hungers for words of affirmation deal with a world of liars? I almost always believe someone's actions over their words. So if you say that you love me/enjoy me/ want to spend time with me, yet there is never any actions to follow those words, then its obvious that the words were meaningless.

So don't be offended if you offer a compliment and I don't immediately throw one back, but be confident that when I do give one, it is because I want to say something nice/positive about you and not merely a form of etiquette.
And don't offer me words that have no actions to verify them. I may be fooled once, or even twice, but your words end up dead.
And please don't offer me useless flattery or beat around the bush. I long for actual communication. Let's be efficient and to the point so that our conversation can actually go somewhere meaningful, not just piled under lies and innuendos.

Philippians

Phil 2:17
But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you.

You know, I've read this verse many times and have not really understood it. I understood the concept that Paul felt like he was an offering. And I imagined that he was expressing the thought of pouring his all into the work and the offering.

So Bible study last week, it was pointed out that back in the old testament days that the drink offering was usually the secondary offering along side one of the regular meat offerings.

So Paul isn't boasting that he is being poured out. But rather that he is the secondary offering, while the Philippians and their work in faith and their faith is the primary offering.

That was a really exciting epiphany moment.

Expectancy

Have you ever had one of those moments when you really wanted to speak into someone's life and when you did, you realized that those words were equally for yourself and equally exciting?

Amanda is one of the ladies in my Philippians Bible study. She is the older sister of my becoming close friend Charlotte. And she is pregnant.

Because Amanda is diabetic, the doctors have been worried for her and plan to induce her early. That has been the plan pretty much from the beginning. Amanda is now about a month early, but the baby should be developed enough that they plan on taking her early both mommy and baby's health. And that should happen this week.

So what wasn't planned: they may need to do a C-section because the woman's body often cannot be induced this early in a pregnancy. So to you or me, that may not seem overly scary. But to a diabetic it potentially means up to a year to heal from that.

As Amanda told us this on Wednesday, you could just tell that she was angry and scared. Now the way that she told us of this involved a lot of gripping and complaining.

Did I mention that that week our passage covered Phil 2:14-15:

'Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe'

Our Bible study is set up where for the first 45 min, we talk in small groups and then all come together for about another 45min of being lectured and taught. And during the whole lecture, I was just praying that she would hear it and that it would ease her heart. And I could tell from watching her that her fear was still in full power. And I just wanted to say something to her.

Now I don't know Amanda well enough to be able to predict how she would respond to unsolicited remarks and was worried that I would get a response of "you don't know what you are talking about." But I spoke anyways.

I told her to be expectant of God. Be expectant that He is at work and will show His glory. That I didn't know if He would allow the inducement, or maybe make the healing faster, or just walk with her though a long healing process. But no matter what He would be there, faithful, and sovereign and by her side. And that though I don't know her specific fear, that I do know fear and that God is bigger and more capable.

I don't remember word for word what I said, and think that I have left out of changed the details. But that is the heart of it and what I have been thinking about since.

Be expectant! God has already proven that He is a mighty God. Through Jesus and even before, He has shown His love and compassion for us and His desire for a right relationship. He is faithful and makes promises. He is who He claims to be. So be expectant that He will be faithful to you, that He will show Himself in any situation. That you don't need the fear you feel, that He is in control. That maybe He will provide such that you will never face the thing you fear, or maybe He will walk behind, before, and beside you through the valley of the shadow. But He is in control and has your best interests in mind. And though you may still feel the fear, that you shouldn't let it control or distract you, but instead fix your eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith. Fear won't just leave because you tell it to or will it to. It only is removed if you replace it with something else. So even then, be expectant of seeing God's glory in work.

Sci fi

So it maybe no surprise to you that my nerdiness in science and biology is accompanied by an enjoyment of scifi. Though there is this disclaimer that not all science nerds like scifi (my roommate is an example of one who has no idea what she is missing out on).

There have been many times when talking with nav boys and other serious people that I respect that I have felt guilty about my love of scifi. This would be referring to those who only read non-fiction and overall educational material. And don't waste time on fluff.

[Though I will quality that good scifi is written as a reflection and critique of the human condition. But another thing that I always enjoy in books is reading about people and how they tick and think and work. Though the characters are of course fictional, the writers and their observations are not and so you learn to view others in a different way, with different possibilites. Not to mention that I love dreamers who can imagine the impossible, which in some cases become reality.]

So I feel guilty about "wasting" my time instead of reading better books or doing something else (this applies to shows and movies too). But recently, I learned something, rather precious to me. God can use this too. I am quickly become specialized and more of a nerd every day. I have no hobbies and though I used to be well rounded, I am much more cylindrical now. So small talk, which was never easy for me, has become harder. Cause I can talking about the cloning of the RND efflux pumps of Vibrio cholerae, along with the minimum inhibitory concentration, and the expression of the toxin coregulated pilis and cholera toxins while under different regulatory conditions. And I can talk about Christ and salvation and the work that He has already done for everyone and in my life, along with my favorite verses.

And though, I would actually enjoy talking about both, that's not really small talk. And that's not really a good way to start a conversation, especially with a non-believer without potentially scaring them off. But what I can bond over is scifi.

Almost everyday I eat lunch with Kelly. She is actually the one who outcompeted me for the other lab that I wanted it. We share a love of scifi and are actually both reading the same set of books (she's letting me borrow). The irony is that these books are about the only ones in my mom's collection that I never read growing up. And while these books don't make any reference of discussion towards God, there may be future ones that do. Or other opportunities. Or maybe just friendship that will lead to deeper discussions.

But I am so glad that Christ is able to use even this nerdy, sometimes distracting, interest to His glory.

Found it!!

Sometime back in September I lost my Bible. My favorite one that it so well worn and loved, and has duct tape holding it together. I wasn't sure where I lost it. The last I remembered was making sure that I grabbed it before heading off to church and then it wasn't with me in Sunday school. I didn't know if maybe it was in my car, or maybe it hadn't left my house, or if it was somewhere in the church. Well I searched my messy room (still wondering if maybe it had fallen behind something that I didn't move). And I repeatedly return to "rediscover you Bible." And as someone pointed out, it was pretty beat up, so no one was going to steal it.

And as I didn't find it, I pulled out my back up non-hard covered one that struggled to stay open and used it as I mourned the loss of my friend. But still now and then I would return to the rediscover your Bible shelf and look hopefully.

Yesterday, I attacked my room. I moved, I cleaned, I organized (though there is still much to do). But it wasn't until this morning that something made me look just one more time that I rediscovered my Bible!! And the best part was that when I showed it to people in Sunday school, they rejoiced with me and knew that I had been searching for it.

Humbleness take 2

So later that week, after the first Philippian study on humbleness. I get a lesson in lab. Actually that Thursday, I gave a really good Journal club presentation. And was told twice by my boss that "you did a good job." Considering that my love language is words of encouragement and that I always want to impress authority figures, I can probably live off that for a long time and am glad that my boss does give the occasional encouragement.

At the same time, I was getting confirmation data back. That should have shown me that the cloning I had been working on since December was accomplished and correct. But it wasn't correct something went wrong. I actually waited until the next day and for the next set of data to add to the story of figuring out what was going on. Part of me wanted the bigger picture, but most of me just wanted the successful day. So the next day, when it was time to talk about the problem. The conclusion was that I had mislabeled (or switched tubes, etc) and caused the problem. And again, you just want to start defending yourself and blame someone else. But logically, it's your project and you are most likely to be the problem. Not to mention that I respect these two (that would be my boss and his wife who is also in the lab). So I do what I usual do in the presence of authority figures who are intimidating me: I get quiet and respectful. I think the only thing I said (besides the agreeing with the steps I need to take to verify that there weren't other mistakes) was that "I'm not careless with labeling." And my boss's response was that this wouldn't be the last mistake that I make. And that that week he too had made a labeling error elsewhere. So of course I feel like crap and am very angry and disappointed with myself. But I can't help but thank God for the mentors that He has given me. This is the second time now that I have made fairly big mistakes that I really just want to sweep under the rug and pretend like they didn't happen. But I haven't been yelled at. Maybe chastised a little, but all with a lot of patience.

This last week at lab meeting the other student Josh got told that he thinks too much. That he shouldn't let all the planning distract him from his work. Now let me tell you why I find this ironically amusing. Because I have been chastised for letting my data accumulate and not looking at it and thinking about it.

In other words, he thinks too much and I think too little. We must really frustrate Mrs boss.

But I am learning (and analyzing data), and that's my prayer in all of this, that I would be humble and open to critics and being taught. Oh and that I never cry in front of any of these authority figures ( I doubt that they would make me want to cry, but rather I would beat myself up in front of them, and anger leading to tears...not even close yet).

Humbleness

The last two weeks in Bible study, we have been covering the earlier part of Philippians ch 2, which deals with humbleness. So of course, those were lessons that I was learning in other areas of my life.

The first thing that stuck out was an incident with my roommate. It was a busier weekend, with a long week ahead and that Sunday, I was just not in a good mood. The trash needed to go out and I kept promising myself that I would grab it as I went out the door, which I kept forgetting. Around lunch time, after realizing that my roomy had not gone to church, I asked her about when we were going to get a book for this other Bible study. I asked her, because the study is actually through her church and so should be easy for her to get and she had already said that it was fine. That Monday was to be the second study. And I tried to ask it in a questioning reminder way, but I fear that it came out as more of an accusation. And all of a sudden she was radiating unhappiness. Though there are often times that she is radiating unhappiness that has nothing to do with me, so my usual strategy is to just avoid her.

That was superbowl Sunday and I went to watch the game with people from my church. On the way, my conversation with God was that I was not in a good mood and that I was just tired and the hope that I would be able to enjoy my time with these people, which I did.

I got home, there was a note from my roommate on my door:

"Since I took the kitchen garbage out (apparently you couldn't tell it was full even though all your crap was shoved in the top)

Could you please take out the bathroom garbage.

Also I've been getting kind of annoyed w/ the cleaning lately so I think we should sit down and work out a chore list.

And since you're so worried about it, I'll get your Bible study book before work tomorrow.

Hope you had fun at your superbowl party and the dip turned out well."

So I shared all the background, so that before reading it, you could see that I wasn't without fault, but I certainly didn't feel completely at fault and felt rather attacked. I so wanted to write a scathing reply and defend myself. Especially about the books and about the chores. While, I do admit that I probably only do 75% of what she does, she is also the owner of the cats, who make much of the mess. Not to mention that I often feel like she doesn't actually notice what I do, so of course she's been feeling like she does it all.

But I didn't write that.

I wrote an apology about pressuring her about the books. Explaining that I meant it to be more of a reminder/question and not an accusation. And that in retrospect, it probably sounded like an accusations. That it wasn't her fault that I was anxious to be prepared. And that she didn't need to get it for me because I am a big girl and capable of getting it. And that I was sorry that she probably wouldn't see my note until she had already woken earlier to get the books.

I also apologized for the trash and explained that I had kept putting it off with the intention to get it later and forgetting it. And that though I realized that was a sorry excuse it was honest, and that I did not automatically assume that she would take out the trash every time.

And that was all I wrote. I didn't address the other points and I didn't defend myself. Though a little bit of me still feels hurt when I see the note (which I will probably trash tonight).

We actually had a snow day yesterday (which was such a restful blessing from God).

But things seemed to go back to normal. She told me that she had tried to get books, but the church was closed. And we never sat down to have the chore list conversation. I think it was Wednesday the she did get the books, because that was also the day that I went to get the plunger (which the thought of a plunger always reminds me of hilltop days). Note that I consider noticing the need and getting the plunger under the header of common chore. But I also realize that though I very much hate housework, I need to look at it as acts of service and love to my roommate, even if she never realizes it.

So the bow to tie the whole story together:

Proverb 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Catch up time

I hate blogging. After all the blog stalking I do of others, my words and experiences are just so insignificant. And then for the times that I do want to waste time and words, there isn't the time to do it justice. But because I want to hear others stories, I will participate and send mine out.

I am going to post a couple of blogs tonight (depending on time) that have been backed up. So their dates may not quite be in order.

something beautiful

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees.

I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh, something beautiful

Cuz I just want to be something beautiful

Here comes Philippians

My church women's Bible study is doing Philippians this semester. We start tomorrow night. I'm excited! I have very fond memories of studying Philippians. And then I look closer at the book we are working out of and it is published by....NavPress!!!(My roommate totally did not get my excitement)

And then I started to do some thinking....I first did a Nav study of Philippians my second semester sophomore year of college. And it is now the second semester of my second year of grad school.

As to other things: I'm still stuck on the thought of how much pressure singles get to not be single. As if we are some sort of disease that needs to be cured. Granted most people will get married at some point in their life, but why does it always seem like an outside source is panicking or causing panic in our own personal affairs. At the same time I keep have the verse:

Romans 12:2 go through my head.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Any emptiness or unfulfillment that I may feel in my life will not be cured by a husband, job, or children, but by God alone and the mercy of His grace. If I get married some day, I want it by His plan and His timing and I want it to be a testament of His glory, not of how I played perfect hopscotch to someone else's drum.

So...the American dreamer?

So... what if I don't want to dream the American dream? What if I don't want to share in the aims and goals of this world? What if I dreamed a dream that they wouldn't even recognize, let alone cherish?

Now, I'm not actually saying that I am that much of a freak, a weirdo, or insane, but what if I were?

What if I didn't strive for the great job and wages? Or the lovely farmhouse with the white picket fence (with or without farm)? Or what about the beautiful family of 2.5 kids and a dog? Or the perfect dark handsome 6 ft husband?

What if I wasn't a success? as per social standards?

And why does it feel as though Christian and family circles are often the very ones maintaining those standards?

Now, it is very good for a church family to uphold and maintain standards and encourage each other in those standards. But those should be Biblical standards of godly living. Which I think should include the attitudes of a family/marriage and the stewardship of property or work.

But why do I feel like I would be seen as a sad failure at life by blood and church family if I ended up a childless spinster?

Marriage is good. Children are a blessing. But must I dream about them? I'm not saying that I don't or someday won't.

But I wonder, do I need to?

As a Christian, do I need to?

Do I really need to believe that my biological urges to procreate and spread my genetics to future generations is a measure of my success? Or to buy into the whisperings of my career driven need to climb the ladder and leave a lasting impression of my worth?

I mean really? Seriously?

What if I dreamt the truth? And believed the truth that my "success" and my "worth" is determined and has already been determined by my God, my King, my Glory. What if I truly strove for His Glory each and every day?

And what if that did interfere with the pursuit of the American dream?

What if I dreamed of God's glory, instead of my own?

Is that such a radical thought? Is it a valid thought?

So what if my American dream is different? What if my aims and goals in this world were something new?

And what if the dreams I cherish come true?

Exchanged their Glory

A long time favorite verse of mine is: Psalm 106:20

They exchanged their Glory for an image of a bull, which eats grass.

So in my quiet times a verse from Hosea also stuck out: Hosea 4:7

The more the priest increased, the more they sinned against me; they exchanged their Glory for something disgraceful.

This then lead to a blue letter Bible search and two more verses:

Jeremiah 2:11

Has a nation ever changed its gods? ( Yet they are not gods at all.) But my people have exchanged their Glory for worthless idols.

Romans 1:22-23

Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

I used to mock the Israelites for ever turning away from God. How ridiculous! I mean, they saw such amazing things! And then I stopped pointing my mocking finger at others and realized that this is my own sin as well. I have seen God be faithful and do amazing things. And I have seen Him be so tender and merciful. And yet..and yet, I get side tracked and distracted and exchanged the Glory of my King, the Glory of being justified, the Glory of being the daughter of the immortal, all-powerful, sovereign, omniscient God for what? a grade, a buck, someone's passing opinion of me, societal standards, elusive safety, dreams others claim I should have, a relationship, sleep, things that won't last but will absolutely fade away and most likely fail me as well.

Why does God even put up with us? And when will my heart fully learn that the better deal, the best deal is His Glory? Nothing else comes close to comparing.