Expectancy

Have you ever had one of those moments when you really wanted to speak into someone's life and when you did, you realized that those words were equally for yourself and equally exciting?

Amanda is one of the ladies in my Philippians Bible study. She is the older sister of my becoming close friend Charlotte. And she is pregnant.

Because Amanda is diabetic, the doctors have been worried for her and plan to induce her early. That has been the plan pretty much from the beginning. Amanda is now about a month early, but the baby should be developed enough that they plan on taking her early both mommy and baby's health. And that should happen this week.

So what wasn't planned: they may need to do a C-section because the woman's body often cannot be induced this early in a pregnancy. So to you or me, that may not seem overly scary. But to a diabetic it potentially means up to a year to heal from that.

As Amanda told us this on Wednesday, you could just tell that she was angry and scared. Now the way that she told us of this involved a lot of gripping and complaining.

Did I mention that that week our passage covered Phil 2:14-15:

'Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe'

Our Bible study is set up where for the first 45 min, we talk in small groups and then all come together for about another 45min of being lectured and taught. And during the whole lecture, I was just praying that she would hear it and that it would ease her heart. And I could tell from watching her that her fear was still in full power. And I just wanted to say something to her.

Now I don't know Amanda well enough to be able to predict how she would respond to unsolicited remarks and was worried that I would get a response of "you don't know what you are talking about." But I spoke anyways.

I told her to be expectant of God. Be expectant that He is at work and will show His glory. That I didn't know if He would allow the inducement, or maybe make the healing faster, or just walk with her though a long healing process. But no matter what He would be there, faithful, and sovereign and by her side. And that though I don't know her specific fear, that I do know fear and that God is bigger and more capable.

I don't remember word for word what I said, and think that I have left out of changed the details. But that is the heart of it and what I have been thinking about since.

Be expectant! God has already proven that He is a mighty God. Through Jesus and even before, He has shown His love and compassion for us and His desire for a right relationship. He is faithful and makes promises. He is who He claims to be. So be expectant that He will be faithful to you, that He will show Himself in any situation. That you don't need the fear you feel, that He is in control. That maybe He will provide such that you will never face the thing you fear, or maybe He will walk behind, before, and beside you through the valley of the shadow. But He is in control and has your best interests in mind. And though you may still feel the fear, that you shouldn't let it control or distract you, but instead fix your eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith. Fear won't just leave because you tell it to or will it to. It only is removed if you replace it with something else. So even then, be expectant of seeing God's glory in work.

Sci fi

So it maybe no surprise to you that my nerdiness in science and biology is accompanied by an enjoyment of scifi. Though there is this disclaimer that not all science nerds like scifi (my roommate is an example of one who has no idea what she is missing out on).

There have been many times when talking with nav boys and other serious people that I respect that I have felt guilty about my love of scifi. This would be referring to those who only read non-fiction and overall educational material. And don't waste time on fluff.

[Though I will quality that good scifi is written as a reflection and critique of the human condition. But another thing that I always enjoy in books is reading about people and how they tick and think and work. Though the characters are of course fictional, the writers and their observations are not and so you learn to view others in a different way, with different possibilites. Not to mention that I love dreamers who can imagine the impossible, which in some cases become reality.]

So I feel guilty about "wasting" my time instead of reading better books or doing something else (this applies to shows and movies too). But recently, I learned something, rather precious to me. God can use this too. I am quickly become specialized and more of a nerd every day. I have no hobbies and though I used to be well rounded, I am much more cylindrical now. So small talk, which was never easy for me, has become harder. Cause I can talking about the cloning of the RND efflux pumps of Vibrio cholerae, along with the minimum inhibitory concentration, and the expression of the toxin coregulated pilis and cholera toxins while under different regulatory conditions. And I can talk about Christ and salvation and the work that He has already done for everyone and in my life, along with my favorite verses.

And though, I would actually enjoy talking about both, that's not really small talk. And that's not really a good way to start a conversation, especially with a non-believer without potentially scaring them off. But what I can bond over is scifi.

Almost everyday I eat lunch with Kelly. She is actually the one who outcompeted me for the other lab that I wanted it. We share a love of scifi and are actually both reading the same set of books (she's letting me borrow). The irony is that these books are about the only ones in my mom's collection that I never read growing up. And while these books don't make any reference of discussion towards God, there may be future ones that do. Or other opportunities. Or maybe just friendship that will lead to deeper discussions.

But I am so glad that Christ is able to use even this nerdy, sometimes distracting, interest to His glory.

Found it!!

Sometime back in September I lost my Bible. My favorite one that it so well worn and loved, and has duct tape holding it together. I wasn't sure where I lost it. The last I remembered was making sure that I grabbed it before heading off to church and then it wasn't with me in Sunday school. I didn't know if maybe it was in my car, or maybe it hadn't left my house, or if it was somewhere in the church. Well I searched my messy room (still wondering if maybe it had fallen behind something that I didn't move). And I repeatedly return to "rediscover you Bible." And as someone pointed out, it was pretty beat up, so no one was going to steal it.

And as I didn't find it, I pulled out my back up non-hard covered one that struggled to stay open and used it as I mourned the loss of my friend. But still now and then I would return to the rediscover your Bible shelf and look hopefully.

Yesterday, I attacked my room. I moved, I cleaned, I organized (though there is still much to do). But it wasn't until this morning that something made me look just one more time that I rediscovered my Bible!! And the best part was that when I showed it to people in Sunday school, they rejoiced with me and knew that I had been searching for it.

Humbleness take 2

So later that week, after the first Philippian study on humbleness. I get a lesson in lab. Actually that Thursday, I gave a really good Journal club presentation. And was told twice by my boss that "you did a good job." Considering that my love language is words of encouragement and that I always want to impress authority figures, I can probably live off that for a long time and am glad that my boss does give the occasional encouragement.

At the same time, I was getting confirmation data back. That should have shown me that the cloning I had been working on since December was accomplished and correct. But it wasn't correct something went wrong. I actually waited until the next day and for the next set of data to add to the story of figuring out what was going on. Part of me wanted the bigger picture, but most of me just wanted the successful day. So the next day, when it was time to talk about the problem. The conclusion was that I had mislabeled (or switched tubes, etc) and caused the problem. And again, you just want to start defending yourself and blame someone else. But logically, it's your project and you are most likely to be the problem. Not to mention that I respect these two (that would be my boss and his wife who is also in the lab). So I do what I usual do in the presence of authority figures who are intimidating me: I get quiet and respectful. I think the only thing I said (besides the agreeing with the steps I need to take to verify that there weren't other mistakes) was that "I'm not careless with labeling." And my boss's response was that this wouldn't be the last mistake that I make. And that that week he too had made a labeling error elsewhere. So of course I feel like crap and am very angry and disappointed with myself. But I can't help but thank God for the mentors that He has given me. This is the second time now that I have made fairly big mistakes that I really just want to sweep under the rug and pretend like they didn't happen. But I haven't been yelled at. Maybe chastised a little, but all with a lot of patience.

This last week at lab meeting the other student Josh got told that he thinks too much. That he shouldn't let all the planning distract him from his work. Now let me tell you why I find this ironically amusing. Because I have been chastised for letting my data accumulate and not looking at it and thinking about it.

In other words, he thinks too much and I think too little. We must really frustrate Mrs boss.

But I am learning (and analyzing data), and that's my prayer in all of this, that I would be humble and open to critics and being taught. Oh and that I never cry in front of any of these authority figures ( I doubt that they would make me want to cry, but rather I would beat myself up in front of them, and anger leading to tears...not even close yet).

Humbleness

The last two weeks in Bible study, we have been covering the earlier part of Philippians ch 2, which deals with humbleness. So of course, those were lessons that I was learning in other areas of my life.

The first thing that stuck out was an incident with my roommate. It was a busier weekend, with a long week ahead and that Sunday, I was just not in a good mood. The trash needed to go out and I kept promising myself that I would grab it as I went out the door, which I kept forgetting. Around lunch time, after realizing that my roomy had not gone to church, I asked her about when we were going to get a book for this other Bible study. I asked her, because the study is actually through her church and so should be easy for her to get and she had already said that it was fine. That Monday was to be the second study. And I tried to ask it in a questioning reminder way, but I fear that it came out as more of an accusation. And all of a sudden she was radiating unhappiness. Though there are often times that she is radiating unhappiness that has nothing to do with me, so my usual strategy is to just avoid her.

That was superbowl Sunday and I went to watch the game with people from my church. On the way, my conversation with God was that I was not in a good mood and that I was just tired and the hope that I would be able to enjoy my time with these people, which I did.

I got home, there was a note from my roommate on my door:

"Since I took the kitchen garbage out (apparently you couldn't tell it was full even though all your crap was shoved in the top)

Could you please take out the bathroom garbage.

Also I've been getting kind of annoyed w/ the cleaning lately so I think we should sit down and work out a chore list.

And since you're so worried about it, I'll get your Bible study book before work tomorrow.

Hope you had fun at your superbowl party and the dip turned out well."

So I shared all the background, so that before reading it, you could see that I wasn't without fault, but I certainly didn't feel completely at fault and felt rather attacked. I so wanted to write a scathing reply and defend myself. Especially about the books and about the chores. While, I do admit that I probably only do 75% of what she does, she is also the owner of the cats, who make much of the mess. Not to mention that I often feel like she doesn't actually notice what I do, so of course she's been feeling like she does it all.

But I didn't write that.

I wrote an apology about pressuring her about the books. Explaining that I meant it to be more of a reminder/question and not an accusation. And that in retrospect, it probably sounded like an accusations. That it wasn't her fault that I was anxious to be prepared. And that she didn't need to get it for me because I am a big girl and capable of getting it. And that I was sorry that she probably wouldn't see my note until she had already woken earlier to get the books.

I also apologized for the trash and explained that I had kept putting it off with the intention to get it later and forgetting it. And that though I realized that was a sorry excuse it was honest, and that I did not automatically assume that she would take out the trash every time.

And that was all I wrote. I didn't address the other points and I didn't defend myself. Though a little bit of me still feels hurt when I see the note (which I will probably trash tonight).

We actually had a snow day yesterday (which was such a restful blessing from God).

But things seemed to go back to normal. She told me that she had tried to get books, but the church was closed. And we never sat down to have the chore list conversation. I think it was Wednesday the she did get the books, because that was also the day that I went to get the plunger (which the thought of a plunger always reminds me of hilltop days). Note that I consider noticing the need and getting the plunger under the header of common chore. But I also realize that though I very much hate housework, I need to look at it as acts of service and love to my roommate, even if she never realizes it.

So the bow to tie the whole story together:

Proverb 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Catch up time

I hate blogging. After all the blog stalking I do of others, my words and experiences are just so insignificant. And then for the times that I do want to waste time and words, there isn't the time to do it justice. But because I want to hear others stories, I will participate and send mine out.

I am going to post a couple of blogs tonight (depending on time) that have been backed up. So their dates may not quite be in order.

something beautiful

Hey now, this is my desire

Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful

To touch me, I know that I'm in reach

'Cause I am down on my knees.

I'm waiting for something beautiful

Oh, something beautiful

Cuz I just want to be something beautiful