Surrender

Just read a depressing article about the reality of lack of job prospects for future American scientists. And it makes sense.

The worst part is, I never expected to become a rich or famous scientist, I just really enjoy it. So I want it for the sake of the work. Otherwise it would be much easier to entertain the thought of taking my education and turning elsewhere.

So now I wonder what my Lord has in store for me. I am fully confident that He has led me here. I now wonder how He will shape my future. I wonder what I will have to let go of and what will be beyond my imagination. I know the things I dream of both the impossible and the more practical. Here again is something that I really have no control over. And once again, I am going to have to surrender it to my King. Oh I know fully well it is better this way. I just don't usually like not having the delusion of control.

Happy Anniversary

So I had a dream this morning that basically involved me being panicked. I didn't have a research project to get funding to convince someone to take me. I was desperate. But then my dream resolved happily because I was one of three people to be awarded a Magnum scholarship (which does not exist in the conscious world).

What a random dream! And definitely not something I am worried about right now. But that was almost exactly what I was worried about last year at this time. I just went back through my email. June 23rd, 2009, I received an email from Dr. Bina inviting me to join the lab if I was still interested.

So happy anniversary to me and to God's faithfulness and His faithful reminders.

The Shape of Things

A book I am reading tonight is written by a woman who taught literature in Tehran before and during the Islamic Republic of Iran. Only a generation of separation saw daughters enforced to observe strict customs that they mothers were free to ignore at their age. I think before that it was lost to me that things became drastically more restrictive and conservative. I think I had only imagined it and a refusal towards liberation, not a regression. But one line that echoes in my thoughts as I head to bed: "Was it any consolation, and did we even wish to remember, that what he did to us was what we allowed him to do?"

So here is a thought and a question for you. Are we any different?

The Western culture is most noted for the sexualization of women. Though many claim freedom, what is seen most in media is women as sex objects. Perhaps they are using that for their own gain, or being used. But they are still existing within the same set of rules and standards that others set for them.

I can't help but think back only a few centuries ago to the Victorian era and their elegant and gorgeous dresses. All the lace, bindings, and corsets that helped to create the perfect woman.

So who has determined the roles we must play and the garb we must wear. And when did we let someone else make that determination for us?

Are we any different?

Do we want to be different?

Can we be different?

And if so, what would different look like? With silent or ruckus rebellion would we rage?

Perhaps we would fall into emo or punk rock looks to show our rejection of conformity. Or maybe we will choose to be drab, forfeiting delightful colors to show that we don't need or want them. Or maybe like a certain so called Lady, we will throw all color and style into unexpected results to achieve shock and set new standards for others to try to emulate.

So the next question that should soon follow, how much do clothes and style really matter? Though perhaps, they should be means of expressing ourselves, they are more often means of hiding ourselves behind presentations of what is acceptable to see. They are just another mask that allow us to avoid the personality that moves within them.

Why do we work so hard to hide our own individual and ignore other individuals? There is such an expression of loneliness and longing for being known and loved in our world, yet we do everything possible to avoid true interactions. Our fear of pain and vulnerability are truly the cages that we wear. Though admittedly, some with much more reason than others.

But perfect love casts out fear.

Our Lord Jesus has shown us perfect love. Will we allow it to cast out fear? And if this is true, then what changes should and will follow? Shall we fall into the trap of perfecting our own image or piousness? Or shall we burn our masks and wear our true faces that our King will changing according to His goodness?

Who will we allow to define us? And what will we allow to shape us? Regardless if anyone is listening, and regardless if anyone cares, we have do a voice and we have a choice. Do we conform or risk standing alone?

What chains are you still eager to bear? And once you tire of them, as you most certainly will, will you be able to cast them aside? Or will you find that the bondage you willing kept and held, now holds and keeps you?

screen play

My roommate sniggered at me last night as I was reading a screenplay from a friend. She will probably claim there no snigger, nor any such thought or emotion approaching a snigger. But in my blog it is a snigger. Probably because I am reading this screenplay as though it is a book and making notes on it. I think it is good with much potential. But in addition to all of that, I wish I could write. I've been blog stalking CEBlake tonight, who again has a wonderfully written blog. Not to mention the masterpieces of Becker. And though there are others of my readers who I stalk as well, I don't feel like pointing out how much of my time I spend spying on others.

Now there are those who painstakingly read this blog, which once in awhile is of interest. But for one who loves books so very much, I know how little skill I have. Not to mention that the writing skills that I do have will like be lost as they are honed toward writing and producing scientific literature. Growing up, we are often told that we could be whatever we want. But in actuality there are things that you need skills for. So I will continue to consume large quantities of literature and cheer on those with actual skill and insight.

Frivolous movies

I had a conversation earlier this week about the Twilight movies and whether they are worth watching or not. And if they are good things for teenager girls to watch or not.

I actually do not have a very strong opinion on this. I have read all the books and will probably see all the movies. And while I think the first book is pretty good example for younger ladies, I'm not so sure about the other three books.

And though I feel that my roommate might gasp when I say this, "I could probably pass on seeing the movies." So why, you may ask, do I go? I enjoy social interaction of it.

Ok, so I'm a nerd. Small talk with me, isn't normal. It just isn't. First of all, I'm blunt and usually get bored with small talk, second of all, what do I have to talk about?

Example:

"So what do you do?"

"I'm a graduate student who gets paid a minimal amount of money to work on resistance nodulated family efflux pumps of vibrio cholera, the gram negative bacteria endemic in many developing countries that causes massive diarrhea that can lead to death. But don't worry, people only become infected after ingesting contaminated food or water."

awkward pause....

"That's interesting."

So I enjoy having something common to share. I noticed this the most last Christmas on my mom's side. This is a group of bull-headed germans of various interests and little small talk besides arguing over who remembers decades old memories the best, while playing Euchre of course. But last Christmas, over dinner, we talked books. Which actually should have been an obvious source of common interest, considering my grandmother's head-stone is in the shape of a book. But all of a sudden, I found myself talking with my decade older cousin and her two teenage step-daughters about Twilight. I always want to talk to the teenagers, but don't know where to start. So this was great. And it was something in common. Even though my dad may have been slightly mocking. I plan on keeping in mind the book worm conversations for the next get together.

I was reminded of this today when I was at the pool with two of my grad school girls. A black lady with her pack of kids had seen us reading our books and overheard us talking of our plans of seeing the upcoming Twilight movie and proceeded to talk to us about the books. It was so random, but I really enjoyed it. It seemed pretty obvious that her friends and family weren't interested in the books and we talked about a couple of other movies/books/tv shows too. But I enjoy having things to talk to strangers about. Well and to friends too, of course.