So Isaiah 40-60ish are my comfort passages. And 40-42 just talks about God's might and how big He is and how insignificant the nations are compared to Him. And how fleeting my life is, like the grass that withers and the flowers that fall.
This is but a season. All seasons pass in their time. And all seasons are useful in their time.
My last year at Purdue was often lonely, especially that first semester. A lot of my dear friends had left campus and the rest were busy with new stages of their life. That was the best gpa of my college career, second only to my very first semester. Brilliant timing for grad school applications. And the next semester, I made even better use of my time. I invested it in some wonderful younger women. Because I was lonely, they got my best.
The week after my most recent "I DO NOT belong here!" episode, I got an email from Memphis mom. She was thanking me for encouraging her 16yr old daughter. I love her daughter, she is a truly awesome woman. She enjoys hanging out with us upper 20s. So yeah, she doesn't belong either, not in highschool anyways. I wish I could tell her that it gets better. Actually it does, just not always easier.
I've also realized that I have now been in lab long enough to know enough that I'm the person people come to with questions. This is most often the intern in the lab across the hall, but sometimes it is lab techs in the building, once in awhile its a professor. See, I'm not as important as my professor, nor am I as intimidating as Renee. So apparently I am approachable. Point being is that I am now in an advisor position(ish). Esp with this intern and comforting him with the fact that screwups definitely happen. He's a med student. He expressed the fact that he didn't know how we could deal with constant failure and disappointment. I have been chewing on that for awhile and that answer will probably show up in another blog.
But these last few examples were to illustrate that when I am off balance, lonely, and a freak show, God really makes use of me. When I'm lonely, I see others' loneliness better. When I'm not comfortable, I see the strays better and I care more. And when I'm broken, I listen more and I learn much more.
So at the end of the day, does my being a freak matter? Yes and no. In view of My God, His glory, His plan, and His will, no it does not matter. If the only way I can bring Him glory is to stick out like some freak attracting lightning in a storm, reminding people that there is another way, then I pray that I have the endurance to be odd for as long as He has use of me. The only reason that it matters is because my gracious God cares about the little things too. He sends me reminders and people to show me He cares and that this is not the end of the story and definitely not the complete story.
I could wear many masks and fit in many places. No one would ever need to know that I am something weird/different. I am a great chameleon, smart enough to guess what you want to see or not see. But one thing that I have learned, for all that I am and lack, I am best and like myself best when I am no one else.
