prayer and petition

The last 6 or so weeks of my life have been a emotional roller coaster. In multiple areas of my life it has been reinforced how little control I have and in some how unimportant I am. Of course the reality check is that I never truly have any control. I just get the illusion of control now and then. It's funny how comforting an illusion can been. Though I should take comfort in the truth, that my God is always in control.

Because of disappointments and having no control, I have a lot anger and bitterness with God right now. Don't get me wrong, it's an ongoing conversation. I still know that He is good and in control. I even know that eventually I will have to get over these feelings. But its how I feel right now.

The songs that keep circling through my head is "what do I know of Holy" by Addison Road and a repeated phrase from a worship song "what can I say? what can I do? but offer this heart O God, completely to you."

On top of these feelings, there is also worry and some excitement and sadness thrown in. The thing that sticks out is that from the start, I have felt the move to Pittsburgh is where I should be going. The big decision is not what concerns (which is good since I had no say there), its the small details that worry me.

Psalm 139:5 "You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me."

Deut 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you."

Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

These are the promises that I am claiming. I have seen my Lord provide before despite my inability. And I know that if He is in it, He is able and willing to provide. Despite my anger and bitterness, my new question is "Ok Lord, what do you want to teach me." Knowing myself and my own history, it is likely a lesson on relying on Him and trusting He will provide.

So I am going to list my worries. I will try not to make it a grip session. But I want them listed, so that when my God provides I can to point to this as a reminder for me and for you.

Worries:

Money: The cost to move. The cost of down payment for an apartment. Finding an affordable apartment. Because I'm the roommate breaking the lease, I bear the responsibility of leaving 6 months early. I am hoping to find someone to take my place. Preferably someone who gets along with my roommate.

Transferring: All the paperwork, applications and interviews. Will they accept me? How much of my class work will be transferable? How much time will I lose for transferring. Will I be stuck in grad school for 6-12mo. longer, more than a year? Is transferring really the better option?

I am not so worried about, but recognize that these are potential future stressors:

Loneliness: I remember how lonely I was when I moved to Memphis. Both with missing dear people and with not being plugged in anywhere yet. I expect to fell disconnected for a good year. Though I do know that the Lord will provide.

Being the weird new student, who doesn't belong.

Housing: I really disliked my first apartment here. Because it was a cross country move, I was fooled by false advertising and not knowing the area. Most of me doubts that Pittsburgh will be worse than what I experienced here.

Logistics of moving.

Saying good byes to people, most of whom I won't see again because I have no built in reason for coming back here.

You know, my list is a lot shorter than what I thought it would be :) I'm sitting here trying to think of more and can't at the moment. Which makes me glad that I am writing them down. They are still big worries. But letting them overwhelm me just made them bigger.

At this point, the worst cases scenario that I can predict is having a significant chunk of debt. And never leaving grad school. Or not completing and Mastering out. I think I can survive either way.

So ok Lord, help me trust you to provide, however that may look.

girly hands

Conversation with Mr and Mrs Boss in reference to incoming new students that might join the lab.

Mrs Boss whispers "we want girls because they have better hands for some of the work we do" as she looks over her shoulder towards the male post-doc who isn't listening.

Mr Boss "that's not true...."

Mrs Boss "sure it is, for some of the cloning work we do"

Mr Boss (a little huffy) "that's why I've gotten so far is with my girly hands"

Mrs Boss (who is usually better at the cloning esp when Mr Boss can't get it, though he often does) "that's why I can do some of the stuff you have trouble with."

Me "like the mice"

Mrs Boss "yeah, you have trouble with that"

Me "Shawn had trouble with it to"

Mr Boss "well they take a special touch"

In my personal opinion all those skills are hands are better at are from years of developing domestic skills. Perhaps we should start teaching boys needle point and how to braid.

BTW

BTW...that was why you don't throw away older emails...at least not until the task is completed...if then.

departmental seminar

So today was present my research to the whole department day. Lovely powerpoint and all.

So what all could possibly go wrong:

Boss is teaching a class beforehand and may be late: check (though he did arrive on time)

Because Boss may be late, may need to ask another prof last minute to introduce me: actually I was just going to skip the intro

Who know if the laser point in the hall will work, but Boss is using his own

Humid frizzy day so no chance for good hair: check-it started raining two days ago

What to wear?: Fortunately I did all my laundry this weekend-apparently its been a very long time since I did it all.

Can't get in the room to set up early: check, though I arrive 30min early, a class beforehand was done, but still asking questions. They didn't clear out until 5min til after I had been standing inside the class for 10 minutes.

Reason we arrive early is because we are paranoid about something going wrong with the powerpoint. Ways we have prepared "just in case." All slides and animations were done on my PC at work and none on my Mac at home because I knew I would be presenting on a PC and things don't transfer well. Not only is my presentation saved on my thumb drive, but I also emailed it to myself. And I cannot tell you the numerous times I have gone through the slides making sure it all works right.

Things going wrong with powerpoint: check

First it didn't look like it would load at all, because this version had the older ppt version...in addition to the new one-so that was ok. But as soon as it loaded, it told me that it couldn't support all the features. So I immediately go through all my slides. Everything looks like its working...except, one complete slide is missing. Granted, this slide is a busy complicated slide, but it shows the data for a third of my research! I try one I emailed to myself, but it is still not loading. My boss comments that I am just going to have to describe my slide. THIS IS A PICTURE SLIDE!! I could tell you what is going on, but let me tell that I would have had a bored and skeptical audience. So I go back into my overflowing email inbox. I have been mocked before for not being better at deleting old mail. But today that meant that I had six version of my ppt mailed to myself over the last week as various stages of completion. So after opening a couple, I found one that showed my data. Though it was not as clean or pretty as I wanted, IT WAS THERE! And so I quickly clean up the mess and inserted it into my presentation.

And I had a really good presentation. I was actually the first to go of this season, when most often 3rd year go late in the year. And it was nice to hear my boss introduce me, which I hadn't thought about at all ahead of time. But considering that I really love any sort of praise...public verbal praise from the boss will bolster my spirit for awhile.

As for the presentation itself, I explained it well enough that my audience followed me and had good questions and interactions. And most questions I could answer, especially the ones that I should be able to answer. And I was actually complemented on doing a good job by both fellow students and faculty. Considering that I don't actually interact with a lot of people daily, let alone those saying good things about me...I had a good day, that I will probably store up for awhile.

random pandora saying it so much better than me

"Here's My Life" by Barlow Girls

Once again I said my goodbyes To those who I love most

My heart feels that familiar pain As I long for home

'Cause this road is hard When I feel so far

God I'm crying out tonight 'Cause I've given You my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more here's my life

On the day that You called my name All that I knew changed

I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same

Though the call is hard You are worth it all

God I'm crying out tonight 'Cause I've given You my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more

Even when the tears are falling When I find I fear the calling

You remind me Words You've spoken over my life

Promises I've yet to see You comfort me

God I'm crying out tonight 'Cause I've given You my life

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind

So once more, here's my life

Irony

I'm just going to avoid studying for a bit longer and talk about yesterday's irony.

I never wear open toed shoes to lab. Its just not good lab safety protocol. You have to worry about dropping chemicals and other objects and truthfully, I break glass a lot. So only on quick weekend trips to the lab do I even consider wearing open toed shoes. And mostly its for my own safety. Pretty sure that I could get away with a lot in my lab, because overall its casual. I give the other student across the hall a hard time for his sandals. But no one else comments. I see my boss wear sandals now and then, but then again he's the boss and has other bad habits. But sometime this month I saw Mrs boss wear sandals in lab. She's the one I real watch for appropriate lab habits. And I assume that she wasn't actually doing much benchwork (she actually makes good use of her lab coat).

So yesterday morning, I didn't want to wear close toed shoes. I knew I was doing no benchwork, only sitting at the computer all day and I really wanted to wear flipflops. So I did, being sure that it would be no problem. Within 15 minutes of arriving at lab, my boss tells me the safety inspector is coming...dun dun dunnnn...on Thursday (whew!). So we have to make sure things are labeled well and all of that. And that of course all of my work with cholera is done in the hood. A bit later as he pops in for something else (or something), he points out that my flip flops will be "illegal" Thursday. Pretty sure that was the actual word I used. I assured that that was the first time during the week that I had worn them. And he believed me and understood that it was because I knew I wasn't doing benchwork (I don't think he would have cared otherwise). But its one of the points of it being a problem having the students desks right beside the lab benches. Because I can't eat or drink at my desk either. Which I never do during the week either (unlike my boss).

But anyways...the irony of the day...the first time I ever wear open toed shoes to work, I have to worry about the safety inspector.

[I am being surrounded by cats, who apparently feel neglected b/c their owner has abandoned them...]

Purdue!

Originally the joke was going to be: You know you have been in the South to long when, you use to travel to Michigan to escape Indiana's August, and now I am traveling to Indiana to escape Tennesse's August.

However, it's now: You know you've been in the South too long when you can out-talked Allyson. (Danielle, she the Sunday afternoon talker). Yeah, so the beginning of coffee yesterday started with me doing the majority of talking, though she did take her turn in the end. Maybe it's not the south. Maybe its the caffeine or the excitement. Regardless of the cause, I kept up with Allyson in conversation yesterday. What's happening to me?

This morning finds me equally as talkative and equally as caffeinated. But I think I need to condense my weeks impressions before unleashing my yammering onto the world. Already this morning, I took over an hour to compose an email that was in response to two lines.

I've been getting my fill of people this week and have loved how the timing has worked out.

Saturday I drove up from Memphis, spent the night at Karen's house in Kokomo. I went to church w/ her and the family. After lunch I proceeded to Oxford and Elisa's. Traveling straight, I arrived when I originally expected. I spent the evening and night at Elisa's. And left her place at 10ish. I proceeded to lovely Purdue. Spent the afternoon sitting in the shade enjoying the breeze-beautiful day. At 4, I had coffee w/ Charlene (she asked if I still remembered Christine, which is highly amusing since I consider Christine as the connection that brought me into the closer circle of getting to know Charlene). Then I arrived at Courtney's right on time. I spent 2 nights at Courtney's coming and going. Which has been great and has also given me some quiet time, though no internet. Tuesday lunch, I got to meet up with my cousin Jodi, her husband and daughter. I had not seen Jodi in about 2 years and had never met her daughter. I was then suppose to have dinner w/ Munazzah, but I never heard from her, though I tried to call her a couple of times. I was worried that she had sent an email w/ time and place, but this morning, via email I found that her mother had had an accident and she had to take care of her. So things are find with her mother and I am relieved that I didn't stand her up. That also translated as a second dinner night with Courtney, which was again wonderful. Wednesday morning, I had coffee with Allyson, then lunch with Rebekah. Went back to Courtney's for nap time. Had a late dinner w/ Mindy and spent the night at Mindy's. This morning, I am sitting at Cafe Royal, enjoying a cup of tea and high speed internet. The plans of the rest of the week are: dinner tonight with Lora. I have a hotel room tonight for a better night's sleep. I travel again tomorrow and will probably have lunch with Sarah in Elkhart before having coffee with Jessica in the Fort. Friday evening, I will be home in Decatur for family time. Saturday is the parents' anniversary and Sunday is Dad's birthday. Sunday I will be driving back to Memphis.

Now imagine a verbose recap of the last couple of days.

Though I have culture shock days and lonely times in Memphis, I don't think I have ever regretted my choice. And as much as I love the time I am getting to spend this week, I realize before my trip that this can't be home anymore. Which has actually made my trip better. I think when I first planned it, I was looking for belonging or something to that effect. But as I left and drove up, I remembered why I left and appreciated the wisdom I had in moving on. As I talk with many of these women, they too are sometimes lonely and don't feel like they belong. It has been a great time of mutual encouragement. Of seeing how the Lord has previously provided and is providing. And a great time of iron sharpening iron. I needed and have immensely enjoyed this time. But for much different reasons than I originally planned it. Some people like big parties and being the center of a huge groups attention. One on one time is exceedingly precious to me. Especially since it often seems to take a bit longer for me to fully convey what has been going on in my life. I think it was the second late night with Courtney that she got a better picture of the guy I'm crushing on. Oh and I've been enjoying giving biology lessons. Last night I got to explain to Mindy about chemical bonds: ionic and covalent bonds, electrons and electron orbital shells, and some electronegativity. And no Kim, her eyes did not glaze over. I'm trying to decide if I want to admit that that conversation happened around midnight or later. I love my non-science friends who let me explain and are interested. Elisa has a good biology background and I explained more my research to her. Her reaction was that she understood and followed me, but that she was so glad that I was the one doing it and not her ;) Fair enough.