Somewhere over the rainbow

Do you ever have those moments when you are stepping between lives and you pause to wonder if they have all really existed?

It is during the holiday season that these different lives, different worlds seem to be juxtaposed most closely: Friday morning I am a hard working, nerdy biologist playing with cholera in Tennessee; Friday night, I am hanging out with BGR friend and fellow nerd in Louisville; Saturday I am reveling in fellowship and deep friendship that is so precious and truly in Christ (and in Indy); Sunday afternoon I am a "patient" daughter and enthusiastic card player at mom's side family get together in Ft Wayne; Sunday night I am the stray daughter returned for candle's and carols in Decatur.

There are moments that I look at my life in Tennessee with shock! Did I really move 10 hr south to the 2nd most dangerous metropolis? Do I really study cholera and enjoy playing with bacteria? And have I really so vastly established myself in only 18 months (though many seemed so long)? And if I ever fully gain my footing, what will it look like?

Such a strong part of me just longs to return to Purdue. The first home that I created for myself. It's always hard for me to objectively recommend it to others, because I feel in love with the people I met there, so I feel in love with Purdue. And when I think of all the semesters, summers, different classes, different housing, different roommates...each year seems like a lifetime worth of memories! So many little (and large) jewels that I treasure. Each year was so vastly unique from the others. How glad I am the I choose Purdue! And how thankful that God went before me and provided for me. There are times that I blink and wonder if it really was that great, if it really happened. I mean it was only four years of my twenty four. And so very many of them spent studying. It strikes me so forcefully that these short four years are huge in my mind. Maybe its because they are most recent and the old fades away, but I think it's because of how much I changed and grew. At the time, it seemed to happen so slowly, sometimes sweetly, sometimes painstakingly, but my life and my heart in Christ became more real and became more actions, and more passionate. And with that I learned what real love and fellowship looked like and felt like. And then to see these amazing friendships last beyond the halls and years of Purdue! That I never expected when I went off to college.

I struggle the most with returning to blood family and Decatur. How do I transition away from the place that they have held still for the person that I was and forge a new place for the person that I have become and that I honestly prefer to be. This was so hard the first few years that I came back. Falling into old habits, and becoming the person of old expectations. I don't feel like that now. But I also don't feel like I am fully seen. (Maybe by my sister and parents, but most definitely not by church or extended family). It's no wonder I get antsy here. I don't fit, not quite. It's like I'm a trapezoid and they only have room for a triangle. So at least it's not the mask that I used to wear. But I always ache for depth and beyond my sister and parents, there only seems to be surface waters.

There are days I that wonder if it's all a dream. Then some days, I am convinced that I am a chameleon with my own coat of many colors. Though, most days, I honestly don't process much more than the present. But then there are some days, moments of clarity, where I get just a glimpse of the tapestry that the Lord has been weaving throughout my life. The most recent seems the boldest and brightest over the faded background. But the dull background allows the contrast to shine so brightly. And though it is often overlooked, it's the beginning and foundation of the pattern that is being woven. I cannot wait until the pattern is complete and I can fully see it all!

Family Time

It's the day after Christmas and the evening after a get-together with my dad's side. And I am...hiding in my bedroom. I think that I am family dynamicked out.

I can't wait until Aubris moves out of the house and into her own. Maybe then I won't get caught in the cross-fires of everyone stepping on everyone else's toes. Maybe...There is nothing like hearing the complaints and hurts of both sides to make you want to duck and cover. And in addition to that, the usual stir craziness of everyone else having a purpose and a life here except for me. I have slept, ate, read two books (2-2inchers in 4 days), watched TV, and baked cookies. In addition to the Christmas get togethers. And yet what do I dream of...invasion of the body snatchers and cholera (literally).

There might be a Ft. Wayne get-together. I have offered up my house and Abby is willing to plan. Uh...giving up planning control. A good choice, I am sure, but not actually easy. Already I am wondering if there will be a big enough group, or an awkward small group. Who all is she inviting and in the end if it will really matter or just be good anyways. And then I am wondering if it will actually impede on planned family time. Which I will try to keep seperate.

Ugh, I get so annoyed at this point. I am stir crazy and ready to leave, because I have been waiting too long. And at this point, when my friends are available to do stuff and I am crazy, is when my family will finally, maybe be available. And then I feel guilty because they are a little too late and someone else has claimed my time. I don't know. We'll see what happens. I think I am ready to head back to Memphis, but will probably stay out the week.

I am so bored, sick of television and sitting around. I want to be available to catch whatever time is available with family, but they are all so tired from their normal days, that I feel guilty for even making suggestions. I hate being on hold.

late night

I just had a really awesome and great long conversation with my roommate.  We both talked about God and what He has been doing.  We talked about game plans for interacting with neighbors and developing friendship.  We talked about sneaking thank you food into a newly pregnant couple's house that we are dog sitting for.  And we just talked in general...there may have been some tears on both sides.  God is so good and gracious.

esp for Kim

So last night I get a text from a classmate, he wants a ride this morning.  No problem, he lives close by.  This morning, I get a call from him that he's in the backyard. I'm thinking that it's odd that he tells me he's in his backyard, but that I should probably hurry up and finish getting ready. Then I see him walk past my window...in MY backyard.  His wife had dropped him off.  The hilarious part to this story is that I am still getting ready.  I am putting on makeup and haven't yet decided what shirt to wear.  So I am actually ONLY wearing my bra.  Oh crap! I grab my night shirt to hold it up in front of me.  But no worries, he didn't look in or even pause.  And I quickly finish getting ready and leave the house.  No awkward turtle today, only a potentially mortifying moment,

I made a promise (Mr. Frodo) and I intend to keep it.

Matthew 5:6

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

I am claiming this verse, this promise.  Because I am so hungry and so thirsty that I know I will never be satisfied by this earth.  And I have no delusion that my own work will make me righteous (granted I still struggle not to see my worth because of my works) but I know that I am far from righteous.  This verse doesn't say that someday I will work my way to righteousness, it doesn't say that I might luck out and finally walk straight, it doesn't say that some day I will achieve righteousness.  It says that my hunger and thirst will be filled.  Suggesting that I will not be doing the filling.   And that leaves the promiser: God.  This is salvation, that He will fill my thirst for righteousness, regardless and despite my ability.

Some day, I will be righteous.  And that is how God will view me through Christ, the righteous One who took my sin.  

...He promises to fill up my thirst and hunger...no maybes, if, ands, or buts...that's a promise

Tide is in

I'm dealing with waves of loneliness.  I mean overall its nothing new, just a little louder this week.  Honestly, its something that rarely goes away.  It might be less or ignored, but its a constant companion.  Once in awhile I'll imagine a husband/family as a cure.  But I doubt that.  Because my loneliness is not truly cured by others, it must be my King that I long for.  Of course it is.  I want to be noticed or needed.  But I long to be seen and wanted.  And I know that He is the answer to that longing.  And I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  But again, I long for the day that all the blocks and barriers of this world fade away.

From Elisabeth Elliot

We may be earnestly desiring to be obedient and holy.  But we may be missing the fact that it is here, where we happen to be at this moment and not in another place or another time, that we may learn to love Him-here where is seems He is not at work, where His will seems obscure or frightening, where He is not doing what we expected Him to do, where He is most absent.  Here and nowhere else is the appointed place.  If faith does not go to work here, it will not go to work at all.

I think we picked up a stray

My roommate Danielle is a christian, but I don't think that she has the heart and drive towards evangelism that has been developed in us through Navs.  I say developed because I know at least for me it was already there and only grew.

We have two neighbors who share the other half of the duplex: Bobbi and Patrick.  Bobbi we kinda see and interact with, but he is often busy with other friends.  I am blogging so late because Patrick has been over hanging out with us.  He's a talker.  He's a theatre/film teacher.  Frankly, we questioned whether he is gay, but he has had girlfriends.  

Tonight Danielle mentioned that she had whatever going on at church tomorrow.  He asked where, and then she asked in return.  He's not a church goer and more than likely atheist.  Not a surprise.

But he seems lonely.  Especially tonight.  He is often the one who comes over and talks to us.  Tonight was the same.  I was actually baking in the kitchen when he came over.  So while this isn't the intentional double teaming that Kim and I enjoyed, I do wonder what God will be doing.  And I'm kinda excited and curious about it.  Because I know that it won't be just a witness to Patrick but also to Danielle.  Which makes me ever more afraid of having the right words to say.  But of course dear Watson, I don't need to fear, God is more than able to use me and the Spirit is more than able to speak through me, I just need to set me heart and mind in Christ.

new habit

This is a rather shallow blog.
But I've started running. I am almost done with week two and I have been "running" every week day. I don't like to mention it because I'm afraid that I won't have the follow through and someone will ask and I will have to admit defeat. And I say "running" because its much more of a jog and I am still working my way up to what I could proudly call a good run. The interesting thing, is that I am looking forward to the run, though I don't actually enjoy running. I do look forward to the day where most of the run will be fun. It's been good though because when I am running, I don't think about anything else. So I have to leave behind any other frustration or stress.
The reason I am running is to manage my weight. While I have done other exercises over the years and lifted weights and such, cardio has been lacking. And while you can lie to yourself about he amount of effort in other areas, running forces much more honesty. I am also running because I know that I used to be more capable. In highschool and middle school, I did soccer. While I was never the fastest or longest runner, I was better. I am still too young to be remembering when I was better. I can't help but feel that I will be more useful if healthier. While a huge part of me does hope that I will lose weight, the driving force is sick of the excuses of being less that what I am capable of.

Though I am far from it, my goal is to be able to run/jog 5 miles without stopping or pausing. Memphis is a good place to start because I won't have to worry about ice or snow come "winter," just a few extra layers.

will someone shut her up already!

will someone shut her up already!  That's what I feel like should be applied to me.  I've worried and talked and cried about the lab situation enough.  I'm bored of thinking about it and trying to explain to whoever is pitying me all the facts and feelings.  I know most of the advice and I know how I should feel.  And most of the time I'm pretty good, or just ignoring it.  I'm pretty good at departmentalizing things.  So I think I am doing pretty good.  And then I try to mention my concern to someone and break down all over again.

Enough already!  

One of the reasons that I took the jump and moved to Memphis was because it was kinda scary and I don't want to be afraid of anything.  If God is for us, who can be against us. And so we should need to fear nothing besides His wraith and judgment.  Which His grace  and mercy permits us not to live in fear of it.  Obviously, I still have fears.  BUT I DO NOT WANT THEM TO CONSUME MY LIFE OR MY THOUGHTS.  Maybe the door to school here will be closed.  Maybe research will be closed to me.  And that will be sad.  I will probably cry again from sorrow.  But I am done crying from fear of the unknown (at least on this subject).  If I stay, there will still be ssssooooooooo much unknown, just as much as if I have to leave.

I am done fearing rejection here.  And I want to be done having my identity tied up with my "success" (probably more work to do on that one).   I still long for a place where I belong and I need to remember that because I am an alien that I will never fully know that on this world (though I hope I get glimpses now and then).

waiting

I really have my heart set on Memphis and grad school.  And since God had allowed me to be accepted here, I thought it was a done deal.  See I had already talked with Him and asked Him to be clear last year and if it wasn't His will to slam the door.  And Memphis has been hard on so many levels.  And it has taken so long to finally get settled and to have a more regular schedule.  I finally really want to be here and to not leave.

And right now I have no clue where God is going to lead me.  I have no confidence that I understand.  I'm just a blind silly girl who is trying not to throw a temper tantrum as my toy is taken away.  I don't want to be this both/disturbed/upset/distraught.  But I am.  I really am.  God has already shown Himself innumerable times in my life so that I can have no doubt that He is in control of all situations, working His will and that His plan is good.  And I know and have already seen Him do things beyond my imagination.  

It's just so hard to give up these plans and dreams and to step out to where I can't see.  I guess I could never really see though.  Any insight that I have ever had has only been because God has revealed it and given it to me.  And then there is the feeling of shame if I have to go away because I didn't make it.  I never tried to hold grad school with any pride.  But being a failure feels shameful.  My crying stopped as I wrote the blue line and that's the heart of my distress.  I so very much like the illusion of control.  Except for that idol always fails me eventually.  There's a reason I turn my dreams over to God, He is much worthier and able to watch over them than I am.  Even if He says no, I choose to trust that He knows my heart much better than I do.  I no longer know that to pray for or want.  Much of me very much still longs for this path but the fearless part of me (that usually leaves me trembling later) wants to see God turn my life upside down and into something that I couldn't imagine.  Of course as I write that the majority of my mind is screaming in a panicked and fearful voice that I am crazy. 

 

I haven't lived very recklessly here.  I've been having trouble figuring out how.  I've played it safe with slowly joining in.  Since May I have been diving in head first into the shallow end.  I feel like I am revving my engine at the started line waiting to go.  I get excited when I hear about Christina's "Hawaii", with Jessica's wherever, with Kim's dancing, with Christine's adventures, and with Allyson's wedding.  And my heart is revving and wanting to go, but I am stuck in slow motion. I can imagine where this current path could take me and find it exciting.  But right now I feel like I am standing still.  And it bothers me, because maybe I am waiting for direction, but I think that I should still be active where I am.  It has been a struggle.  I've begun diving in and seeking God more.  Likely that it part of this lesson.

I don't know where I will be in two months. 

More complete update

Not everything is going as horrible as dress shopping.

My current lab is fine.  The people are friendly.  They have a tendency to go towards gossipy-ness-but most things are said light heartily and not spitefully.   I'm working with mice again.  And I'm always kinda surprised that I have no problem with that-I'm rather good about compartmentalizing.  Of course this is really where my morbid humor works well to protect me.  Last Friday I was watching mouth-to-mouse resuscitation. Ok there was no human mouth, but there was an oxygen tank.

This week has been long.  Monday I got in at 9am and left at 9pm, the other woman was actually finishing up until 10:30.  Lunch was at 4:30.  That's what tomorrow looks like too.  Though we are starting earlier and should be a little faster.  This is when I get ansy and want to have more control and planning so that we can be better organized and more efficient.  Today, I got off at 6pm. Again, it was a long experiment, but I think that we could have started earlier than we did.  I long to have more control over my own schedule.   Because frankly, on long days, I would rather arrive very early and get done at a regular time than go so very late.

Friday I am taking off to drive up for a wedding.

Despite the long week, the lab is pretty good.  The research they are doing is directed towards making vaccines for HIV and for para-influenza virus (PIV) that actually kills a good number of infants.  The PIV vaccine is actually in human testing.  It's in adults right now to see side effects, but the problem is that they can't really see if it is a good vaccine in humans without testing children.  Most adults have already experienced this virus and are now immune.  So by the time they get to infants, they will be confident that it is not harmful to humans, but they still will not be positive that it works until they get to un-infected infants.  And of course, here's the real problem, who wants to volunteer their healthy baby to test a vaccine that might offer protection.  But it's exciting, but it appears like a very easy and successful vaccine.

Dress shopping

So among all the other things going on, I am dress shopping for summer weddings.  I always forget exactly how much I hate it.  Usually I am smart enough t bring a friend.  I really just long to be seen as beautiful as I am, in all regards.  Obviously, it's not just the dress.  That's just the focus point of the accumulation of all similar feelings and self doubt and loathing.  Honestly,  I've actually given up the expectation that I will find one, I just keeping hoping.  More than likely I will find one that "works" but that I actually rather hate.  Been there, done that.  Another reason I can't wait until heaven.

yeah 5th rotation

So I did a facebook update to let any other stalkers know that I have a 5^th rotation set up.  Which at the very least means I get to spend this whole break here and not running around Memphis trying to piece something together.

 

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
 
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
 
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
 
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
 
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
 
Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

 

Lyrics from Superchick.

What an amazing promise.  And I am glad that God has provided me all of you beautiful sisters to encourage me and to stand with me and battle the lies of the enemy.

It's still raining

Earlier today I emailed Dr. Bina to ask him if there were any updates. There were:

Bina doesn't have the funds and neither does Dr. Miller.

(so crap, I am now in Decatur and needing to hunt down next round of rotations, not to mention that I was really excited about the thought of working with either professor)

So now I am begging two different people at St. Jude if they will take me for a 5th and 6th rotation.  Did I mention that I didn't really want to work at St. Jude and that I was looking forward to working at the Molecular Sciences Building?  Either are fine, just St. Jude is known for being more cut-throat.  I am also nervous because I don't know anything about the personalities of these professors that I am hoping to work with.  And that just makes me very nervous.

I sent out my emails at around 6pm Memphis time.  I got a response from one:  She was asking my department head what my grades were and if he knew why I was doing a 5th rotation, she had forwarded the email to me.  I hope that means she is interested.

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up with Dr. Bina.  It's just that he was so enthusiastic.  I should have known better.  I feel like I have been holding my breath for the past month and when I talked to Bina, I got some fresh air, and now the air has been knocked out of me again.

I am positive that my God has a purpose and a plan and I am positive that He is in control. But !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want a clue of what is going on!!!  I'm missing the lesson.

On Sunday, I officially became a member of the church that I have been attending.  I feel like I am finally getting settled and plugged in.  I've been talking with some of the people in charge of the college ministry about getting involved and helping out.  And I got excited about it.  But I don't feel like I can commit to anything until I know that I will have a lab and a job beyond July.  I want to move apartments and there is a deal going on right now at one I am interested in.  Again, I don't want to commit until I know that I will be here.  Part of me wonders if I should step out and make commitments on faith that I will still be here.  But I honestly no longer know what God is planning for me.  I thought it would be Memphis, but it's just as likely there were other lessons that He has been teaching me and now it's time to move on.  I don't want to move on.  I really really don't want to go.  I have been trying to have open hands and be willing to follow God and His will in all of this.  I just pray that He will prepare my way and my heart for whatever course He decides.  If it isn't Memphis than I pray that He prepares my heart for that too.

On Sunday, one of the men read me a verse and I can't remember it fully.  I've just been trying to look it up, but I don't remember the reference and I don't think he read NIV.  It was to the effect that God has brought you here at this time or knows where you are at and it is for His purpose.  Any clue?  I thought  it was New Testament.

As I was searching through Ephesians for it just now, I came across a different favorite promise that I will end with tonight.

Ephesians 3:20-21

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!

Amen.

if I give my dreams now to you, will you take them away forever or can I dream again? surrender

Lab update:

Met with Dr. Fitzpatrick on Thursday (lab #1 choice).  And got rejected.  She was  very nice in letting me know that I wasn't her pick.  And at the end asked if I was ok, she's a nice woman.  But the thing is, I was absolutely fine.  (I'm thinking I almost smiled at her.  I definitely realized I was pulling the encouraging everything's fine attitude TOWARDS her).  Because I had already had my freak out moment (just look a few blogs back).  Basically I knew that she wasn't going to pick me and I just wanted that waiting to be over so I could move to plan be.  But I didn't want to back out on her on the small chance that I was wrong, which I wasn't.

So that was Thursday, today was my last day in Dr. Bina's lab (lab #2 choice).  As I was sitting there talking with him about my data this week, I was assembly the courage to bring up lab choices.  In this last week, there had been some casual mention, a grant came in (money for lab work) and he wasn't sure who was going to work on the subject..how about me.  He knew that I was looking at Fitzpatrick's lab, but waiting to hear on that.  Another guy had already made this his first choice, so I knew that he was pretty much a shoe-in.  But Bina also mentioned that he wondered if he could take an additional new student (aka me since no one else has rotated).  I of course joked with concern in my voice about sharing a lab bench with two people (Bina's not an organized worker).  

So I am sitting there basically working up to a DTR, when he starts to ask me:

"still waiting to hear from Fitzpatrick?"

"no"

"going into her lab"

"no"

"are you interested in mine"

"yes"

And that was basically the DTR.  But it's actually still a wait game.  The other guy is definitely going into the same lab, so now Bina needs to look at his budget and varify his funding, as well as ask his head if it is an ok risk.

While, I am still waiting,  its a different waiting.  Because Bina really wants me in his lab because he thinks I am "smart, hard-working and focused."  Even things did go wrong with my experiments.  When talking with him, he asked about my plan B, if there was a third choice.  And I informed him that I would do another rotation. With?  That though I hadn't talked with him yet and didn't know his funding that I would like to rotate with Dr. Miller.  Who is on the same floor and collaborates a lot with Bina.  And Bina volunteered to talk with him.   The impression that I had leaving the meeting with Bina was that I had found an advocate in him.

The possibilities for labs are now:

Bina's lab

Miller's lab (via Bina's support)

Being funded and shared between Bina and Miller (which might be neat or complicated).

Or Bina will help me find another 5th rotation.

While I haven't really been stressed out about this for awhile,  this is the first time that I have felt relief and more certain about how things will work out.  And it feels nice to be wanted because I feel like a stupid freshman a lot this year and it's encouraging that my superiors feel otherwise(not sure who they are actually seeing, but oh well).  At this point, I'm rather thankful that Fitzpatrick said no and that I had enough warning to freak out and plan so that I sounded rather put together when I talked with Bina about my plans.  I think that I am more confident in God having a hand in guiding me to the right place than if I would have had my first pick.

And now I get to go home for a week or so, as I wait a lot of this out.

Proverbs 16:9  In his heart a [woman] plans [her] course, but the Lord determines [her] steps.

ps did I mention that a study I am planning on joining this summer is abiding in God?

Blogging in lab

So I am sitting in lab blogging and feel rather sneaky about it. Actually, I'm not avoiding work, I have an hour wait and I am bored. I'm not very good at entertaining myself on the internet, well only for so long.

So church update.
I enjoy the sermons and worship service at my church and have been wanting to get involved but kinda have cold feet and am not sure where to start. So my goals/plans have been to join a study school class and join a women's study over the summer(my current study is with another church and won't be meeting over the summer). But still was putting off actually walking into a sunday school class. It just seemed like such a big task and scary. And they are kinda divided by ages/categories. But where do I fit. I am a college graduate, yet still in school and still in the single category. So when I did the becoming a member class. There were a couple of young adults who were about my age and local. And one lady invited me to join her class. But that would be the next week and it was awkward timing...etc. So yesterday I was sitting by myself again in service (I was on time and proud of it!) and afterwards did the polite nod thing to my neighbor who was alone and somewhere near my age (aka between 20 and 28 because I am not good at telling ages). Anyways, he was friendly and started talking and I guess I was in a good mood to. One of the first questions he asked was if I usually sat alone, which meant I needed to explain that I was newish (I had no clue if he was, turns out he's a local returned). Anyways, he invited me to join his Sunday school class (which I suspected being the same one I had previously been invited to). So I bit the bullet and took him up on the offer (I figured that I wouldn't be brave enough to go on my own, let alone find the room somewhere in the church). And upon arriving again met some of the other youngs adults that I had previously been introduced to. For the first day the class seemed good. The two leader were probably around my parents age and they definitely seemed to have hearts for God.
So (said with nervousness) I'm going to keep going and force myself to be brave and get plugged in. Yeah for summertime?

Still waiting to hear from the lab I want. Good news...I saw the proof from plan B choice and he waved. Aka, he recognizes me...that's a good start! Also, don't think I would mind being in my second choice lab (plan A still).

update

As an update about my lab situation...I'm still waiting and don't know.  But I am prepared to do another rotation and am making my backup plans.

Yesterday I received some random encouragement from two 3rd years.  One girl is from the lab I rotated in that I like the people but not the research.  And she's just fun and encouraging to start with.  And both her and another 3rd year that I know encouraged me that doing a fifth rotation is not the end of the world and its better to do a fifth than to be stuck in a lab that you hate.

I'm also concerned about housing for the next year.  My lease is up in July, but to get out of it I have to provided a written statement by the end of June that I am leaving.  There had been plans to live with another girl, but I'm having second thoughts because I kinda enjoy living by myself.  And also, while the girl is fun, I wonder what I will morph into as I try to impress the "cool girl".  Which I have recently realized I have been doing.  Makes me miss a engineering school where cool had a different meaning.  So to not have my lease roll over for another month, I need to have a written statement that I am leaving by the end of June.  This girl that I am thinking of living with will be gone until the end of June.  And I'm not going to sign a big year lease until I am sure that I have a lab, because otherwise I get kicked out in August. So I'm kinda going to just let the living situation "slip" through my fingers.  I'm still of the opinion that if its important that you make it a priority.  And while in Memphis most places want you to move in, in a month, I haven't seriously talked with this girl for awhile.  Actually I haven't seen her outside of a group for at least over 2 weeks.  And that speaks to me that its just not that important.

So I feel like I am stuck in a perpetual wait mode.  But I've been there, done that before.  God has been faithful before and I am going to cling to the promise that He will be faithful even now.

It all depends...but once again...Amen

So here's an update on the rotation situation.  I still have no clue what lab I will end up in or who will reject me.  But today I talked with the head of the program about the possibility (probability in my mind) of doing a fifth rotation.  I really like this guy, I always find him encouraging.  So we talked about the possibilities and the do-ability of it.  But one of the things that he repeated at least twice is that I shouldn't just give up on the labs, or step aside nicely for someone else, that he thought I had just as much right.  He also said that he thought I was a good student.  I don't plan on just giving up and stepping aside.  I haven't mentioned to any other parties involved that I am organizing plan B.  But I am guessing that there was something in explanation that told him that I didn't think I was getting into my choice labs.  I mean, that was the reason I was there.  But it was a bit more than "oh it's just in case" more like "this is what I predict will happen."

So a couple of days ago, plan B was freaking me out.  Actually, last night plan B was freaking me out.  But now I'm not sure if it would be so bad.  If I got into either of my choice labs, that would be good.  I like them.  But I'm not absolutely in love with them.  And maybe a fifth rotation would be good.  But I'm not backing down from my currents choices.  (It's just that part of me is hoping that the doors really will be slammed so that I will have a good reason for  a fifth lab and plan B).

It makes me wonder if I am going numb and moving on because that's what I tend to do when I there is something that I want but can't have.  Or, if the Holy Spirit is trying to let me in on the plan.

Ephesians 3:20-21

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, acoording to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!   

Amen

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

Beautiful song.  I was told that Amen means it is so/so be it.  It just seems such a declaration of trust that God is in control and that we are willing for His will to be done.  I hope and pray that that will be my response that this song will be my response in every storm.

~Amen

Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now 
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
(2x’s)
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth

It all depends on how big you view God.

So I've been dwelling on the same idea all week.  Initially is was just reliving a memory and situation, but it has definitely become a dearer reminder and a promise.

Sometime last year, there was a Sunday lunch conversation.  Flick had brought a friend with her to church.  And he had comments about the Sunday school topic (lead by steven kirk).  

What was mentioned in sunday school was around the idea to live is Christ and to die is gain and that if someone were to threaten your life, would you die for you beliefs. 

Flick's friend basically thought that it would be selfish to be killed instead of saying whatever to live and serve God in other ways.  My argument (though actually very calm sounding) was that our lives are witnesses and we don't know who is watching or what will happen if we claim Christ.  And that while we may not know exactly what plans He has for our lives, all of our lives are meant to glorify God.

And I still believe that that is a true answer.  But there's more to it.  This comes from after doing a study on Ester and seeing God's hand in so many random things, even unbelievers.  So now my answer is bigger and even more black and white (no grays to hide in).  Even in a situation where the gunner is threatening to kill someone else unless you deny Christ, what is the correct answer-to proclaim Christ to the nations, to fear not, to know that God is with you, to not deny Christ.  It seems much scarier when you say the situation involves someone else's life than your own (which the previous lunch discussion had gone that way).  But the real answer is: how big do you view God?  Because if He is the God of the universe, sovereign over all creation, all knowing, and all powerful, than that means that there is NO situation that He does not have control over and a will in.  So if you believe that God is that big, then He has already told us how to act in all situations-to glorify Him, to trusts in Him, and to fear not.

So that's the big theoretical exciting thought in the earlier part of the week.

At the end of the week came application time.  No it did not involve any guns.  In fact, it involves something much smaller, yet bigger and scarier. 

In 1-2 weeks time, everyone will be picking their labs.  The two labs that I am interested in, I will be in direct competition with friends.  And I have known this about my first choice for awhile.  While I am glad that there is no hard feelings at all between us, it does make it hard because I think that I will feel bad about any outcome.  So I have talked with my first choice and learned that it will basically come down to grades.  And while I did well last semester, I think the other girl did better and I know that she is doing better in the class that we share this semester.  So there goes that lab and the same is likely true for the other lab.  (btw Kim this is where the slammed doors come in)  I get so disappointed and sad when my plans don't work out according to  how I think it should go.  Which is actually why I pray for slammed doors because I know that I hold on too long and don't pay enough attention.  So there is every chance that I will need a fifth rotation which will cut into the break that I was looking forward to.  And hopefully this fifth rotation is what I haven't found in the last four.  So that is plan B.  And Plan C, will either be change my career path to cancer and enzymes(which I just don't want to do) or go to that cancer lab and just finish out the next year and stop with my masters and try somewhere else.

And so you see, it's the same question and answer.  How do you deal with the panic and fear in this unknown situation?  It all depends on how big you view God.  Because if He is the sovereign all powerful creator of the universe, who has loved me so deeply to send Christ to pay my penalty that I might have a right relationship with Him, then He can lead me and provide even in this situation.  So there might be tears shed.  And my emotions are not yet at peace or calm.  But my mind and my soul and even my heart beyond my emotions know that God is in control.  God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind.  Does He speak and then  not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?

And then in my anxiousness He haunted my thoughts with an almost complete verse that I have finally looked up and found:

Romans 8:32

   He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all-how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?

My Jesus

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet would stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despised the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like my Jesus

~by Todd Agnew

I find myself in Memphis with an "upper class" crowd.  Mainly because of my education.  And it bothers me, a lot.  To begin with, I come from a small town and am family to many humble people.  I love having many friends from many backgrounds.  I think that there is so much to learn from one another that the body is just screwed up with we form clicks and don't listen to each other's wisdom.  And so this song strikes me every time.  Which Jesus am I following?  I know what I want the answer to be.  But if I represent Christ to the world, what do they see of my King?  

To be precious and honored in God's sight

It was sooo good to visit Purdue and the women who are my family.  I realized that the women I was most excited to see basically feel into two categories: my sophomore Bible study and my senior Bible study.   I really feel like the women from sophomore year are the girls I grew up with.  Which is probably an odd statement to those who don't know the whole story.  I mean after all, I turned 20 that year, no longer a teenager, how can I be growing up.  Regardless that we are always still growing.  But I feel that in college and with Navs I really grew up, grew in maturity and definitely with my walk with God.  I find myself post-college tending to adapt habits that were similar to high school, with timing and activities.  But my heart, attitude and thoughts are much different.  After talking with another classmate, I realize that my definition of cool, is very far from normal.   After all, I consider crazy nerdy Larry as cool.  Part of me wonders if that is what happens when you go to an engineering school.  But I am almost positive that it's really a testament of how God is changing my eye-sight.  I must admit that I still do judge people on sight and first impressions.  But I've learned that I am a bad judge and to remain silent until I actually know the person.  The real underlying reason I have for no longer trying to categorize people as cool or not is because I want to see as Christ sees.  And I want Him to break my heart for them.  I know many amazing dorks.  And I want to love the un-lovely, though I still have major issues struggling with my own prejudices.

I really enjoyed seeing the girls from my senior Bible study.  This was a joy that was unexpected.  Senior year, I lead the study by myself.  So much went "wrong."  I wasn't what I thought it should look like or what I expected.  I was suppose to be one of two leaders leading a freshman study that I thought would be around 7 or more girls.  I lead by myself.  I had one faithful freshman, one sophomore, and two juniors.  And God blessed me beyond my imagination.  I still smile at the fact that we were all kinda science (me biology, two animal science, one foods nutrition & dietetics, and a psychology-not really science, but close).  Of all the things we didn't have in common, that was one we did and an unexpected one.  And the second semester I remember making the choice to really pour myself into their lives.  This was a significant decision that happened around the women's retreat.  I was lonely because of all who had left me, and I knew that I would be leaving in months, and it is so hard to put effort to what you will soon say goodbye to.  But at the women's retreat, I remember thinking that these girls were awesome and I wanted to get to know them better.  Like most things in my life, I feel like a treasure things more than others.  So while I truly enjoyed these women, I doubted God had really used me to effect their lives.  ( I know, I know.  How very arrogant to doubt God's ability to use anyone.)

So it touched me so much that these women were excited to see me.  Not just accepting that I was there, but excited.  One of my juniors (now senior) introduced me to her father and described me as "one of the people who actually cared about her."  How important our weekly lunches were, which I enjoyed-its not like they were work.

I think at Purdue, Christ began the work of teaching me how to love people.  And not just my feeling of love, but the actions to show them.  I am often amazed in work world situations when colleagues seem to enjoy me and I hope that is because of Christ shining.  I think that I am going to have to learn again how to love recklessly and with complete abandonement.

I praise Christ that He has allowed me to see a glimpse of what He has used me for.  And to remind of the joy of giving my life for others.

Isa 43:4

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life.

To be or not to be in which lab

So my first year of grad school has involved classes and rotations.  There are four rotations of 6 weeks through four different labs.  It's basically a dating process, where you decide if you like the lab, the people, and the research and if they like you.  I really enjoyed my second lab completely, both the people and the research.  My third lab I liked the people and the research was fine, but it was away from the research topic that I am more interested in.  So I have wanted to go into the second lab.  So here is the catch.  Another of my classmates and friends also likes this lab and wants to go into it.  While there is nothing saying that both of us can't go into the lab, it's not a common thing, but because of money and other resources.  And we are both getting the impression from the Professor that we will be taken.  So it will likely come down to the Professor deciding which of us she wants or if she wants both of us.

So I am left wondering, it God is about to change the direction of my life again, or re-arrange it to something unexpected.  And if so, I'm okay with that.  I have concerns.  Of course, I always have concerns.  But I wanted direction and I have been relying on Him.  But this is me, sometimes I need a kick and slammed doors.   So I pray His will be done.  In my third rotation I can see there being more deep friendships and ministry possible.  So if I end up there I won't be heart broken, but a little confused.   Then again,  I am in grad school, confusion seems to be a part of everyday.

Caffeine

So I get to drink caffeine tomorrow.  And I very much look forward to a nice warm probably tea to drink.  I almost broke down tonight, but I didn't.  But it is still very disturbing to realize how many of my habits involve some sort of caffeine without thought.  I enjoy caffeinated drinks for themselves and not just the energy kick, so of course I will enjoy going back to them.  But I will try to pay more attention to my rates of consumption.

bye bye caffeine

So I have decided to give up caffeine completely this week.   One of the reasons is that I never like becoming too dependent on coffee or pop and I like to de-tox to bring my levels back down.  And lately I have been getting into a caffeine habit and I really don't want to be one of those adults who has to have coffee to wake up in the morning.  Though I have to tell you that I am really excited about my first caffeine buzz after this week is over, it should be great!

One of the things that has made me think about my caffeine intake and admit that it was high lately was talking to Sam.  She's mormon and they don't drink coffee or teas and are strict about a lot of intake basically to keep their body pure.  Through my experience with her, it seems like the worship the body as the temple.  So that is in the Bible to treat your body as a temple and to be in control of it.  But sometimes it seems like it is much more to Sam.  It seems like a task to mark off on your way to heaven.  I personally love that most adult Christians I know drink coffee.  While we should take care of these bodies as vessels for Christ's work, they are just that:  jars to hold us in.  And I think that we should be willing to expend this vessel for the glory of God and to not be so attached to the Amercanized perfection through the flesh.

Another interesting insight to Mormons.  The sect that Sam is believe that you are married for eternity.  So that widows don't remarry.  I can't help but wonder how they reconcile this with the old testament command of the kinsman redeemer marrying a widow without children, or how Jesus states that there is no marriage at the resurrection.  I haven't asked her this yet.  I hope to have an opportunity to do so.

Across the sea is the land for me where I long to be

So yesterday was the second weekend I went wedding dress shopping with Sam.  This time around Kelly and Danielle joined us.  It was fun.  We grabbed a ton of dresses and were then helping her in and out of them.  We had a system going.  Then at one point her boy called.  And she was trying to get into the dress while talking on the phone.  The rest of us are not positive what happened because we were putting a dress back in the bag (all of this going on in the same large dressing room).  All of the sudden the bride has fallen over into the pile of wedding dresses.  A sight worth remembering, even if its not a well told story.

So then us four plus Amy and Vanessa had dinner at Amy's.  I feel like I haven't seen most of these girls as often this semester because of different classes.  Last semester I became closer with Danielle, Sam, and Vanessa, who are all Cancer track, so I definitely don't have classes with them.  So I have started to notice lately that I felt like I hadn't seen them as much and was wondering if it was just me, or if it was classes.  Actually it turns out that they all have more time being taken up by boys.  Sam started dating in December, though he's long distance.  And Danielle and Vanessa are both casual dating boys here in Memphis, since this semester.  So I kinda feel out of the loop again.  

It reminds me of fall semester Senior year, where all of the sudden my social life took a dive because of people leaving or dating.  So most likely my grades will go up again.  This is also probably why my grades were higher in high school than in college, I didn't have much of a social life.  It actually saddens me, especially as I go into wedding season, and then apparently everyone around me is dating.  It's just that lately I feel rather not wanted and invisible.  (This is probably why I felt so needed when I helped Amy by giving her a shot on Saturday).  I hate feeling like the tag along that is tolerated.  And though I am here for grad school, overall I feel like I am without purpose here.  You know, God really blessed me freshman year by giving me Amy as a neighbor.  It's not as easy this time.  

This city very much needs Christ, and it seems so big and I need to make use of this time that I have and give it to God.  I am just getting frustrated because I can see where I need to be, but I am still not sure how to get there.  And I also laugh(with my odd humor) as I see how much I have changed.  My mood has sad/depressed/lonely tinges to it because I feel like I am stuck on hold and without purpose.  It amazes me how much God has become my heart and purpose that now when I am on pause, it tears me that I am not running.  Wow, that Holy Spirit really pushes.  So I am not sure where to go from here.  But please pray that I not become discouraged. 

April Fools!!

So today we played a prank on the PI of the lab I am currently in.  (PI=Primary Investigator aka the Professor who controls the lab and our life).  Fruz is a woman, probably in her early 40s.  She is typically fun and on the emotional side.

Miranda is the 3rd graduate student permanently in this lab who has been directing me and showing me the ropes.  Pooja, is the new lab tech.

So it is Miranda's idea to play a joke on Fruz.  One she actually played on her own family four years in a row.  Pooja and I eavedrops out side the door.  Miranda goes into Fruz's office to take to her.  Her eyes are wet and in a weepy voice she says that she needs to talk to Fruz.  Fruz in a concerned voice asks Miranda what's wrong.  "You know how I went and visited Joey for Valentine's day...I think I'm pregnant."  "What?"  And then we burst in with April Fools.  Fruz was very shocked.  And we laughed about it for the rest of the day.  Our other option was that we had caught the lab on fire...maybe next year.

Stacy

So for Tyler's Birthday, a group of us went out.  This comprised of a mixture of two groups (which 4 of us are a regular part of both).  One group is classmates, the other thursday night office watching Christian group.  Big Kevin is from the later and though we have face recognition, names are still not perfectly down.  But this time I had the advantage, and of course I put him on the spot and asked if he remembered mine.  Well, he took a shot at it and guessed Stacy and I corrected him and laughed at his choice (because I was recently wrong while guessing the name Stacy).  However, for fun he continued to call me Stacy for the rest of the night.  One main reason being that his southern accent truly brutalizes the name Dawn as he later demonstrated.  Now for the past two weeks, Big Kevin has been absent on Thursdays and I have been wondering if I was going to accumulate a new nickname.  This week, he was there and sardonically greeted me as Stacy.  Which I took in good measure.  However, later I actually responded to the name Stacy.  Though it wasn't really as bad as it seemed.  Often, when someone's name is called repeatedly, I will be the one to hear and pay attention and then help get the appropriate person's attention.   So this applied to Stacy being repeatedly called out in my general direction.

But for now, it's a fun inside joke.

Let's Get it on

So currently working with mice.  Doing research on breast cancer, so these mice are female with tumors growing in their mammary glands.  One set the cancer cells were injected into the glands.  The other set, the mice are genetically susceptible to developing cancer. 

So today we were injecting the treatment into the transgenic mice.  We put them to sleep so that they are easier to work with and so that it's also kinder to them.  We are about half way through and I hear some squeeking which draws my attention.  And it starts to become clear why one of the mice isn't developing any tumors.  I turn to the other lady and ask if she's sure that they are all female.  She claims they are, but we both start paying more attention.  It was then time to pick up this suspicious mouse.  And it was obvious that we had a Casanova in with our females.  

Anxious

I find myself very anxious tonight.  I am anxious about tests due Monday.  I am anxious about the new lab rotation that also starts Monday.  I wonder if I will have enough time and if I can hold it together.   I am anxious that I won't be prepared for my one exam.  I am very anxious that my next lab rotation will under an overdemanding professor.  I am anxious that I won't get the break that I was looking forward to.  Everything seems so big and out of my control.  So I am begging the God of the Universe who loved so tremendously to become man incarnate in the form of Jesus Christ and pay for my sin that our relationship might be right,  I am begging Him for peace.  I want to trust Him and His sovereignty that He gives me clear vision in decisions, that He has good lessons to teach me, that He truly is leading me and is in control, that He will help me control my attitude so that in all things I can glorify Him, that He is using me, that no matter what He is capable and willing to provide for me, even when it is not how I expect.  Lord I am begging you for energy to get through each day,  I have been so tired lately.  Lord, I do not want to expend energy and be distracted by things that are out of my control and by things that do not matter.  Help me to trust in all things, even in this.