yeah 5th rotation

So I did a facebook update to let any other stalkers know that I have a 5^th rotation set up.  Which at the very least means I get to spend this whole break here and not running around Memphis trying to piece something together.

 

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
 
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
 
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
 
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
 
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
 
Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

 

Lyrics from Superchick.

What an amazing promise.  And I am glad that God has provided me all of you beautiful sisters to encourage me and to stand with me and battle the lies of the enemy.

It's still raining

Earlier today I emailed Dr. Bina to ask him if there were any updates. There were:

Bina doesn't have the funds and neither does Dr. Miller.

(so crap, I am now in Decatur and needing to hunt down next round of rotations, not to mention that I was really excited about the thought of working with either professor)

So now I am begging two different people at St. Jude if they will take me for a 5th and 6th rotation.  Did I mention that I didn't really want to work at St. Jude and that I was looking forward to working at the Molecular Sciences Building?  Either are fine, just St. Jude is known for being more cut-throat.  I am also nervous because I don't know anything about the personalities of these professors that I am hoping to work with.  And that just makes me very nervous.

I sent out my emails at around 6pm Memphis time.  I got a response from one:  She was asking my department head what my grades were and if he knew why I was doing a 5th rotation, she had forwarded the email to me.  I hope that means she is interested.

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up with Dr. Bina.  It's just that he was so enthusiastic.  I should have known better.  I feel like I have been holding my breath for the past month and when I talked to Bina, I got some fresh air, and now the air has been knocked out of me again.

I am positive that my God has a purpose and a plan and I am positive that He is in control. But !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want a clue of what is going on!!!  I'm missing the lesson.

On Sunday, I officially became a member of the church that I have been attending.  I feel like I am finally getting settled and plugged in.  I've been talking with some of the people in charge of the college ministry about getting involved and helping out.  And I got excited about it.  But I don't feel like I can commit to anything until I know that I will have a lab and a job beyond July.  I want to move apartments and there is a deal going on right now at one I am interested in.  Again, I don't want to commit until I know that I will be here.  Part of me wonders if I should step out and make commitments on faith that I will still be here.  But I honestly no longer know what God is planning for me.  I thought it would be Memphis, but it's just as likely there were other lessons that He has been teaching me and now it's time to move on.  I don't want to move on.  I really really don't want to go.  I have been trying to have open hands and be willing to follow God and His will in all of this.  I just pray that He will prepare my way and my heart for whatever course He decides.  If it isn't Memphis than I pray that He prepares my heart for that too.

On Sunday, one of the men read me a verse and I can't remember it fully.  I've just been trying to look it up, but I don't remember the reference and I don't think he read NIV.  It was to the effect that God has brought you here at this time or knows where you are at and it is for His purpose.  Any clue?  I thought  it was New Testament.

As I was searching through Ephesians for it just now, I came across a different favorite promise that I will end with tonight.

Ephesians 3:20-21

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!

Amen.

if I give my dreams now to you, will you take them away forever or can I dream again? surrender

Lab update:

Met with Dr. Fitzpatrick on Thursday (lab #1 choice).  And got rejected.  She was  very nice in letting me know that I wasn't her pick.  And at the end asked if I was ok, she's a nice woman.  But the thing is, I was absolutely fine.  (I'm thinking I almost smiled at her.  I definitely realized I was pulling the encouraging everything's fine attitude TOWARDS her).  Because I had already had my freak out moment (just look a few blogs back).  Basically I knew that she wasn't going to pick me and I just wanted that waiting to be over so I could move to plan be.  But I didn't want to back out on her on the small chance that I was wrong, which I wasn't.

So that was Thursday, today was my last day in Dr. Bina's lab (lab #2 choice).  As I was sitting there talking with him about my data this week, I was assembly the courage to bring up lab choices.  In this last week, there had been some casual mention, a grant came in (money for lab work) and he wasn't sure who was going to work on the subject..how about me.  He knew that I was looking at Fitzpatrick's lab, but waiting to hear on that.  Another guy had already made this his first choice, so I knew that he was pretty much a shoe-in.  But Bina also mentioned that he wondered if he could take an additional new student (aka me since no one else has rotated).  I of course joked with concern in my voice about sharing a lab bench with two people (Bina's not an organized worker).  

So I am sitting there basically working up to a DTR, when he starts to ask me:

"still waiting to hear from Fitzpatrick?"

"no"

"going into her lab"

"no"

"are you interested in mine"

"yes"

And that was basically the DTR.  But it's actually still a wait game.  The other guy is definitely going into the same lab, so now Bina needs to look at his budget and varify his funding, as well as ask his head if it is an ok risk.

While, I am still waiting,  its a different waiting.  Because Bina really wants me in his lab because he thinks I am "smart, hard-working and focused."  Even things did go wrong with my experiments.  When talking with him, he asked about my plan B, if there was a third choice.  And I informed him that I would do another rotation. With?  That though I hadn't talked with him yet and didn't know his funding that I would like to rotate with Dr. Miller.  Who is on the same floor and collaborates a lot with Bina.  And Bina volunteered to talk with him.   The impression that I had leaving the meeting with Bina was that I had found an advocate in him.

The possibilities for labs are now:

Bina's lab

Miller's lab (via Bina's support)

Being funded and shared between Bina and Miller (which might be neat or complicated).

Or Bina will help me find another 5th rotation.

While I haven't really been stressed out about this for awhile,  this is the first time that I have felt relief and more certain about how things will work out.  And it feels nice to be wanted because I feel like a stupid freshman a lot this year and it's encouraging that my superiors feel otherwise(not sure who they are actually seeing, but oh well).  At this point, I'm rather thankful that Fitzpatrick said no and that I had enough warning to freak out and plan so that I sounded rather put together when I talked with Bina about my plans.  I think that I am more confident in God having a hand in guiding me to the right place than if I would have had my first pick.

And now I get to go home for a week or so, as I wait a lot of this out.

Proverbs 16:9  In his heart a [woman] plans [her] course, but the Lord determines [her] steps.

ps did I mention that a study I am planning on joining this summer is abiding in God?

Blogging in lab

So I am sitting in lab blogging and feel rather sneaky about it. Actually, I'm not avoiding work, I have an hour wait and I am bored. I'm not very good at entertaining myself on the internet, well only for so long.

So church update.
I enjoy the sermons and worship service at my church and have been wanting to get involved but kinda have cold feet and am not sure where to start. So my goals/plans have been to join a study school class and join a women's study over the summer(my current study is with another church and won't be meeting over the summer). But still was putting off actually walking into a sunday school class. It just seemed like such a big task and scary. And they are kinda divided by ages/categories. But where do I fit. I am a college graduate, yet still in school and still in the single category. So when I did the becoming a member class. There were a couple of young adults who were about my age and local. And one lady invited me to join her class. But that would be the next week and it was awkward timing...etc. So yesterday I was sitting by myself again in service (I was on time and proud of it!) and afterwards did the polite nod thing to my neighbor who was alone and somewhere near my age (aka between 20 and 28 because I am not good at telling ages). Anyways, he was friendly and started talking and I guess I was in a good mood to. One of the first questions he asked was if I usually sat alone, which meant I needed to explain that I was newish (I had no clue if he was, turns out he's a local returned). Anyways, he invited me to join his Sunday school class (which I suspected being the same one I had previously been invited to). So I bit the bullet and took him up on the offer (I figured that I wouldn't be brave enough to go on my own, let alone find the room somewhere in the church). And upon arriving again met some of the other youngs adults that I had previously been introduced to. For the first day the class seemed good. The two leader were probably around my parents age and they definitely seemed to have hearts for God.
So (said with nervousness) I'm going to keep going and force myself to be brave and get plugged in. Yeah for summertime?

Still waiting to hear from the lab I want. Good news...I saw the proof from plan B choice and he waved. Aka, he recognizes me...that's a good start! Also, don't think I would mind being in my second choice lab (plan A still).

update

As an update about my lab situation...I'm still waiting and don't know.  But I am prepared to do another rotation and am making my backup plans.

Yesterday I received some random encouragement from two 3rd years.  One girl is from the lab I rotated in that I like the people but not the research.  And she's just fun and encouraging to start with.  And both her and another 3rd year that I know encouraged me that doing a fifth rotation is not the end of the world and its better to do a fifth than to be stuck in a lab that you hate.

I'm also concerned about housing for the next year.  My lease is up in July, but to get out of it I have to provided a written statement by the end of June that I am leaving.  There had been plans to live with another girl, but I'm having second thoughts because I kinda enjoy living by myself.  And also, while the girl is fun, I wonder what I will morph into as I try to impress the "cool girl".  Which I have recently realized I have been doing.  Makes me miss a engineering school where cool had a different meaning.  So to not have my lease roll over for another month, I need to have a written statement that I am leaving by the end of June.  This girl that I am thinking of living with will be gone until the end of June.  And I'm not going to sign a big year lease until I am sure that I have a lab, because otherwise I get kicked out in August. So I'm kinda going to just let the living situation "slip" through my fingers.  I'm still of the opinion that if its important that you make it a priority.  And while in Memphis most places want you to move in, in a month, I haven't seriously talked with this girl for awhile.  Actually I haven't seen her outside of a group for at least over 2 weeks.  And that speaks to me that its just not that important.

So I feel like I am stuck in a perpetual wait mode.  But I've been there, done that before.  God has been faithful before and I am going to cling to the promise that He will be faithful even now.

It all depends...but once again...Amen

So here's an update on the rotation situation.  I still have no clue what lab I will end up in or who will reject me.  But today I talked with the head of the program about the possibility (probability in my mind) of doing a fifth rotation.  I really like this guy, I always find him encouraging.  So we talked about the possibilities and the do-ability of it.  But one of the things that he repeated at least twice is that I shouldn't just give up on the labs, or step aside nicely for someone else, that he thought I had just as much right.  He also said that he thought I was a good student.  I don't plan on just giving up and stepping aside.  I haven't mentioned to any other parties involved that I am organizing plan B.  But I am guessing that there was something in explanation that told him that I didn't think I was getting into my choice labs.  I mean, that was the reason I was there.  But it was a bit more than "oh it's just in case" more like "this is what I predict will happen."

So a couple of days ago, plan B was freaking me out.  Actually, last night plan B was freaking me out.  But now I'm not sure if it would be so bad.  If I got into either of my choice labs, that would be good.  I like them.  But I'm not absolutely in love with them.  And maybe a fifth rotation would be good.  But I'm not backing down from my currents choices.  (It's just that part of me is hoping that the doors really will be slammed so that I will have a good reason for  a fifth lab and plan B).

It makes me wonder if I am going numb and moving on because that's what I tend to do when I there is something that I want but can't have.  Or, if the Holy Spirit is trying to let me in on the plan.

Ephesians 3:20-21

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, acoording to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!   

Amen

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

Beautiful song.  I was told that Amen means it is so/so be it.  It just seems such a declaration of trust that God is in control and that we are willing for His will to be done.  I hope and pray that that will be my response that this song will be my response in every storm.

~Amen

Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now 
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
(2x’s)
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth

It all depends on how big you view God.

So I've been dwelling on the same idea all week.  Initially is was just reliving a memory and situation, but it has definitely become a dearer reminder and a promise.

Sometime last year, there was a Sunday lunch conversation.  Flick had brought a friend with her to church.  And he had comments about the Sunday school topic (lead by steven kirk).  

What was mentioned in sunday school was around the idea to live is Christ and to die is gain and that if someone were to threaten your life, would you die for you beliefs. 

Flick's friend basically thought that it would be selfish to be killed instead of saying whatever to live and serve God in other ways.  My argument (though actually very calm sounding) was that our lives are witnesses and we don't know who is watching or what will happen if we claim Christ.  And that while we may not know exactly what plans He has for our lives, all of our lives are meant to glorify God.

And I still believe that that is a true answer.  But there's more to it.  This comes from after doing a study on Ester and seeing God's hand in so many random things, even unbelievers.  So now my answer is bigger and even more black and white (no grays to hide in).  Even in a situation where the gunner is threatening to kill someone else unless you deny Christ, what is the correct answer-to proclaim Christ to the nations, to fear not, to know that God is with you, to not deny Christ.  It seems much scarier when you say the situation involves someone else's life than your own (which the previous lunch discussion had gone that way).  But the real answer is: how big do you view God?  Because if He is the God of the universe, sovereign over all creation, all knowing, and all powerful, than that means that there is NO situation that He does not have control over and a will in.  So if you believe that God is that big, then He has already told us how to act in all situations-to glorify Him, to trusts in Him, and to fear not.

So that's the big theoretical exciting thought in the earlier part of the week.

At the end of the week came application time.  No it did not involve any guns.  In fact, it involves something much smaller, yet bigger and scarier. 

In 1-2 weeks time, everyone will be picking their labs.  The two labs that I am interested in, I will be in direct competition with friends.  And I have known this about my first choice for awhile.  While I am glad that there is no hard feelings at all between us, it does make it hard because I think that I will feel bad about any outcome.  So I have talked with my first choice and learned that it will basically come down to grades.  And while I did well last semester, I think the other girl did better and I know that she is doing better in the class that we share this semester.  So there goes that lab and the same is likely true for the other lab.  (btw Kim this is where the slammed doors come in)  I get so disappointed and sad when my plans don't work out according to  how I think it should go.  Which is actually why I pray for slammed doors because I know that I hold on too long and don't pay enough attention.  So there is every chance that I will need a fifth rotation which will cut into the break that I was looking forward to.  And hopefully this fifth rotation is what I haven't found in the last four.  So that is plan B.  And Plan C, will either be change my career path to cancer and enzymes(which I just don't want to do) or go to that cancer lab and just finish out the next year and stop with my masters and try somewhere else.

And so you see, it's the same question and answer.  How do you deal with the panic and fear in this unknown situation?  It all depends on how big you view God.  Because if He is the sovereign all powerful creator of the universe, who has loved me so deeply to send Christ to pay my penalty that I might have a right relationship with Him, then He can lead me and provide even in this situation.  So there might be tears shed.  And my emotions are not yet at peace or calm.  But my mind and my soul and even my heart beyond my emotions know that God is in control.  God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that He should change His mind.  Does He speak and then  not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?

And then in my anxiousness He haunted my thoughts with an almost complete verse that I have finally looked up and found:

Romans 8:32

   He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all-how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?