Because of disappointments and having no control, I have a lot anger and bitterness with God right now. Don't get me wrong, it's an ongoing conversation. I still know that He is good and in control. I even know that eventually I will have to get over these feelings. But its how I feel right now.
The songs that keep circling through my head is "what do I know of Holy" by Addison Road and a repeated phrase from a worship song "what can I say? what can I do? but offer this heart O God, completely to you."
On top of these feelings, there is also worry and some excitement and sadness thrown in. The thing that sticks out is that from the start, I have felt the move to Pittsburgh is where I should be going. The big decision is not what concerns (which is good since I had no say there), its the small details that worry me.
Psalm 139:5 "You hem me in-behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me."
Deut 31:8 "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
1 Peter 5:7 "Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you."
Phil 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
These are the promises that I am claiming. I have seen my Lord provide before despite my inability. And I know that if He is in it, He is able and willing to provide. Despite my anger and bitterness, my new question is "Ok Lord, what do you want to teach me." Knowing myself and my own history, it is likely a lesson on relying on Him and trusting He will provide.
So I am going to list my worries. I will try not to make it a grip session. But I want them listed, so that when my God provides I can to point to this as a reminder for me and for you.
Worries:
Money: The cost to move. The cost of down payment for an apartment. Finding an affordable apartment. Because I'm the roommate breaking the lease, I bear the responsibility of leaving 6 months early. I am hoping to find someone to take my place. Preferably someone who gets along with my roommate.
Transferring: All the paperwork, applications and interviews. Will they accept me? How much of my class work will be transferable? How much time will I lose for transferring. Will I be stuck in grad school for 6-12mo. longer, more than a year? Is transferring really the better option?
I am not so worried about, but recognize that these are potential future stressors:
Loneliness: I remember how lonely I was when I moved to Memphis. Both with missing dear people and with not being plugged in anywhere yet. I expect to fell disconnected for a good year. Though I do know that the Lord will provide.
Being the weird new student, who doesn't belong.
Housing: I really disliked my first apartment here. Because it was a cross country move, I was fooled by false advertising and not knowing the area. Most of me doubts that Pittsburgh will be worse than what I experienced here.
Logistics of moving.
Saying good byes to people, most of whom I won't see again because I have no built in reason for coming back here.
You know, my list is a lot shorter than what I thought it would be :) I'm sitting here trying to think of more and can't at the moment. Which makes me glad that I am writing them down. They are still big worries. But letting them overwhelm me just made them bigger.
At this point, the worst cases scenario that I can predict is having a significant chunk of debt. And never leaving grad school. Or not completing and Mastering out. I think I can survive either way.
So ok Lord, help me trust you to provide, however that may look.
No comments:
Post a Comment