The first thing that stuck out was an incident with my roommate. It was a busier weekend, with a long week ahead and that Sunday, I was just not in a good mood. The trash needed to go out and I kept promising myself that I would grab it as I went out the door, which I kept forgetting. Around lunch time, after realizing that my roomy had not gone to church, I asked her about when we were going to get a book for this other Bible study. I asked her, because the study is actually through her church and so should be easy for her to get and she had already said that it was fine. That Monday was to be the second study. And I tried to ask it in a questioning reminder way, but I fear that it came out as more of an accusation. And all of a sudden she was radiating unhappiness. Though there are often times that she is radiating unhappiness that has nothing to do with me, so my usual strategy is to just avoid her.
That was superbowl Sunday and I went to watch the game with people from my church. On the way, my conversation with God was that I was not in a good mood and that I was just tired and the hope that I would be able to enjoy my time with these people, which I did.
I got home, there was a note from my roommate on my door:
"Since I took the kitchen garbage out (apparently you couldn't tell it was full even though all your crap was shoved in the top)
Could you please take out the bathroom garbage.
Also I've been getting kind of annoyed w/ the cleaning lately so I think we should sit down and work out a chore list.
And since you're so worried about it, I'll get your Bible study book before work tomorrow.
Hope you had fun at your superbowl party and the dip turned out well."
So I shared all the background, so that before reading it, you could see that I wasn't without fault, but I certainly didn't feel completely at fault and felt rather attacked. I so wanted to write a scathing reply and defend myself. Especially about the books and about the chores. While, I do admit that I probably only do 75% of what she does, she is also the owner of the cats, who make much of the mess. Not to mention that I often feel like she doesn't actually notice what I do, so of course she's been feeling like she does it all.
But I didn't write that.
I wrote an apology about pressuring her about the books. Explaining that I meant it to be more of a reminder/question and not an accusation. And that in retrospect, it probably sounded like an accusations. That it wasn't her fault that I was anxious to be prepared. And that she didn't need to get it for me because I am a big girl and capable of getting it. And that I was sorry that she probably wouldn't see my note until she had already woken earlier to get the books.
I also apologized for the trash and explained that I had kept putting it off with the intention to get it later and forgetting it. And that though I realized that was a sorry excuse it was honest, and that I did not automatically assume that she would take out the trash every time.
And that was all I wrote. I didn't address the other points and I didn't defend myself. Though a little bit of me still feels hurt when I see the note (which I will probably trash tonight).
We actually had a snow day yesterday (which was such a restful blessing from God).
But things seemed to go back to normal. She told me that she had tried to get books, but the church was closed. And we never sat down to have the chore list conversation. I think it was Wednesday the she did get the books, because that was also the day that I went to get the plunger (which the thought of a plunger always reminds me of hilltop days). Note that I consider noticing the need and getting the plunger under the header of common chore. But I also realize that though I very much hate housework, I need to look at it as acts of service and love to my roommate, even if she never realizes it.
So the bow to tie the whole story together:
Proverb 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
1 comment:
This totally reminded me of a conflict I had with my roommate last summer. We miscommunicated who was going to take care of her cats while she was gone one weekend (isn't it funny that she had cats just like your roommate does?). She assumed I would do it while I assumed that I wasn't doing it and we both got really mad at each other the night before she was gonna leave, when all of the confusion came up. I had to take a deep breath and apologize for snapping at her; even though she never apologized for yelling at me, I am stil glad that I apologized. For once in my life I didn't let my tongue get the better of me.
Thanks for reminding me of that lesson and that verse, Dawn :) Despite my experience, I still think you responded a lot more nobly than I would've in that situation!
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