Friday, March 12, 2010

give me truth or shut up

Reading a book with several women. It's the celebration o discipleship. This last week was simplicity. I think the main point was "seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness."
One point was simplicity in speech. And lead to our discussion about lying and little white lies and so forth. One of the women is really nice and sweet and has a very pleasing personality and apparently tells little white lies all the time. To basically mollify or be polite. But I don't get it. I really don't. Maybe it is because I am both blunt and a northerner and they are southerners. But I don't get it. How is it more polite to lie to someone than to tell them the truth? Now, I'm not saying that I want everyone to come up to me and tell me how fat I am and that the humidity is definitely not doing anything for my hair. But I also don't want to be told that I look amazing if I don't. Cause most of the time, I know my real situation, so I know if you are lying, which just makes me suspicious of you and your character. And like I said, you don't have to say the negative thing to be honest. Silence is often a perfectly good alternative, though of course there are times to speak up. And though I love bluntness, I try to steer clear of brutal honesty.
One example of this pleasing person was a recipe for eggplant. Her mother in law had been spending a lot of time that week helping her prep for this recipe. Which the pleasing person really did not like. But when her mother in law asked, she said she enjoyed it. Her husband was shocked at her. But she didn't want to her this other persons feelings. (Now let's wonder at all the possible complications further down the road. Especially when mom in law makes this especially for her.) I think that it would have been perfectly ok and honest to state that you appreciate the effort and that though it is better than what you have had before that you still don't like eggplant. It just seems so obvious to me that you can state you dislike of eggplant without it being a reflection on the other person.

But I think I know what really gets to me about this. Honesty and integrity are so important and dear to me. I value them in the same place that I value faithfulness and view them all together. K-love had a quiz for finding your love language. Obviously my primary one is words of affirmation. . . So liars give fake love and ensue betrayal. So please be blunt and honest with me. Because then the real words of love actually have meaning.
Another thought is about actions. How does someone who hungers for words of affirmation deal with a world of liars? I almost always believe someone's actions over their words. So if you say that you love me/enjoy me/ want to spend time with me, yet there is never any actions to follow those words, then its obvious that the words were meaningless.

So don't be offended if you offer a compliment and I don't immediately throw one back, but be confident that when I do give one, it is because I want to say something nice/positive about you and not merely a form of etiquette.
And don't offer me words that have no actions to verify them. I may be fooled once, or even twice, but your words end up dead.
And please don't offer me useless flattery or beat around the bush. I long for actual communication. Let's be efficient and to the point so that our conversation can actually go somewhere meaningful, not just piled under lies and innuendos.

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