to the man i still dream of

I long for you.  I don't like to admit it.  And I don't want to deal with it.  I'm trying not to hope anymore because my dream seems too good and specific to ever be true.  So I am trying not to hope and trying not to dream, but I still search for you.  And the disappointment grows more bitter each time.  Love songs are so painful to hear, especially from a man's voice.  Would you sing with me?  Would you dance with me?  Would you find me beautiful and convince me of beauty that I don't see?  And what will you make of my personality and of my character?  And what of these passions?  Planted deep within my soul.  Will you share them and help them to grow?  

I don't want to want you.  I am tired of wanting you, of wanting anything besides Christ.  Can you understand that feeling?  Based off of frustration, pain, shame, sorrow and despair.  I'm tired of chasing things that will not satisfy.  And I know that only Christ can satisfy this heart.  So I wonder if you do exist.  And I wonder if you are real.  Or maybe, someday, this longing, these tears will cease.  I keep begging God for that day to be today.  But so far, He's said no.  Am I waiting for you?  Or just learning how to live without?