if I give my dreams now to you, will you take them away forever or can I dream again? surrender

Lab update:

Met with Dr. Fitzpatrick on Thursday (lab #1 choice).  And got rejected.  She was  very nice in letting me know that I wasn't her pick.  And at the end asked if I was ok, she's a nice woman.  But the thing is, I was absolutely fine.  (I'm thinking I almost smiled at her.  I definitely realized I was pulling the encouraging everything's fine attitude TOWARDS her).  Because I had already had my freak out moment (just look a few blogs back).  Basically I knew that she wasn't going to pick me and I just wanted that waiting to be over so I could move to plan be.  But I didn't want to back out on her on the small chance that I was wrong, which I wasn't.

So that was Thursday, today was my last day in Dr. Bina's lab (lab #2 choice).  As I was sitting there talking with him about my data this week, I was assembly the courage to bring up lab choices.  In this last week, there had been some casual mention, a grant came in (money for lab work) and he wasn't sure who was going to work on the subject..how about me.  He knew that I was looking at Fitzpatrick's lab, but waiting to hear on that.  Another guy had already made this his first choice, so I knew that he was pretty much a shoe-in.  But Bina also mentioned that he wondered if he could take an additional new student (aka me since no one else has rotated).  I of course joked with concern in my voice about sharing a lab bench with two people (Bina's not an organized worker).  

So I am sitting there basically working up to a DTR, when he starts to ask me:

"still waiting to hear from Fitzpatrick?"

"no"

"going into her lab"

"no"

"are you interested in mine"

"yes"

And that was basically the DTR.  But it's actually still a wait game.  The other guy is definitely going into the same lab, so now Bina needs to look at his budget and varify his funding, as well as ask his head if it is an ok risk.

While, I am still waiting,  its a different waiting.  Because Bina really wants me in his lab because he thinks I am "smart, hard-working and focused."  Even things did go wrong with my experiments.  When talking with him, he asked about my plan B, if there was a third choice.  And I informed him that I would do another rotation. With?  That though I hadn't talked with him yet and didn't know his funding that I would like to rotate with Dr. Miller.  Who is on the same floor and collaborates a lot with Bina.  And Bina volunteered to talk with him.   The impression that I had leaving the meeting with Bina was that I had found an advocate in him.

The possibilities for labs are now:

Bina's lab

Miller's lab (via Bina's support)

Being funded and shared between Bina and Miller (which might be neat or complicated).

Or Bina will help me find another 5th rotation.

While I haven't really been stressed out about this for awhile,  this is the first time that I have felt relief and more certain about how things will work out.  And it feels nice to be wanted because I feel like a stupid freshman a lot this year and it's encouraging that my superiors feel otherwise(not sure who they are actually seeing, but oh well).  At this point, I'm rather thankful that Fitzpatrick said no and that I had enough warning to freak out and plan so that I sounded rather put together when I talked with Bina about my plans.  I think that I am more confident in God having a hand in guiding me to the right place than if I would have had my first pick.

And now I get to go home for a week or so, as I wait a lot of this out.

Proverbs 16:9  In his heart a [woman] plans [her] course, but the Lord determines [her] steps.

ps did I mention that a study I am planning on joining this summer is abiding in God?