waiting

I really have my heart set on Memphis and grad school.  And since God had allowed me to be accepted here, I thought it was a done deal.  See I had already talked with Him and asked Him to be clear last year and if it wasn't His will to slam the door.  And Memphis has been hard on so many levels.  And it has taken so long to finally get settled and to have a more regular schedule.  I finally really want to be here and to not leave.

And right now I have no clue where God is going to lead me.  I have no confidence that I understand.  I'm just a blind silly girl who is trying not to throw a temper tantrum as my toy is taken away.  I don't want to be this both/disturbed/upset/distraught.  But I am.  I really am.  God has already shown Himself innumerable times in my life so that I can have no doubt that He is in control of all situations, working His will and that His plan is good.  And I know and have already seen Him do things beyond my imagination.  

It's just so hard to give up these plans and dreams and to step out to where I can't see.  I guess I could never really see though.  Any insight that I have ever had has only been because God has revealed it and given it to me.  And then there is the feeling of shame if I have to go away because I didn't make it.  I never tried to hold grad school with any pride.  But being a failure feels shameful.  My crying stopped as I wrote the blue line and that's the heart of my distress.  I so very much like the illusion of control.  Except for that idol always fails me eventually.  There's a reason I turn my dreams over to God, He is much worthier and able to watch over them than I am.  Even if He says no, I choose to trust that He knows my heart much better than I do.  I no longer know that to pray for or want.  Much of me very much still longs for this path but the fearless part of me (that usually leaves me trembling later) wants to see God turn my life upside down and into something that I couldn't imagine.  Of course as I write that the majority of my mind is screaming in a panicked and fearful voice that I am crazy. 

 

I haven't lived very recklessly here.  I've been having trouble figuring out how.  I've played it safe with slowly joining in.  Since May I have been diving in head first into the shallow end.  I feel like I am revving my engine at the started line waiting to go.  I get excited when I hear about Christina's "Hawaii", with Jessica's wherever, with Kim's dancing, with Christine's adventures, and with Allyson's wedding.  And my heart is revving and wanting to go, but I am stuck in slow motion. I can imagine where this current path could take me and find it exciting.  But right now I feel like I am standing still.  And it bothers me, because maybe I am waiting for direction, but I think that I should still be active where I am.  It has been a struggle.  I've begun diving in and seeking God more.  Likely that it part of this lesson.

I don't know where I will be in two months.